I feel your pain. DS has had periods of low mood since he was 11. Mostly he recovered and we put it down to low mood. Then right in the middle of the pandemic he had a more serious episode of suicidal thoughts and even wrote a suicide note. It seemed to be a draught version and we reacted rapidly but had no where to turn to. School were supportive but since he refused help we just had to watch and wait.
Our GP was useless, suggested an app they can interact with but no offer of a face to face since everything was closed down at the time. I know that he went out on one occasion with intent but fortunately a friend phoned him and he talked it through.
He is a highly intelligent young man who has worked out his own coping strategies and I thought he had come through it. He’s now 21 and at uni. I recently became suspicious that all was not well and to cut a long story short he has started to spiral down again. He’s failed to attend or engage with his course this term, but admitted that he’s struggling on Monday. I immediately contacted the Wellbeing team who had a quick chat with him.
But I am very worried. He is the typical laid back bombproof young man that no one would expect to have mental health issues. The last four years have been horrendous for us as a family. DH and I have gone through life threatening health problems and DS has lost his beloved grandfather and we recently lost my DSis fairly suddenly. Throughout all this mayhem DS has been OK but I feel that he’s now only just started to process it all and as a result it’s hitting hard.
We protect them as much as we can but looking for a label or root cause is only one aspect of dealing with the problems they are going through. DS and I have talked about the why, but as he very succinctly put it, giving it a name does not fix it. There is no quick solution and DS, having gone through several periods of low mood/depression is now able to identify it himself. He also now knows that it isn’t permanent or the end. He has accepted that he is struggling and has already started to put into action a plan. For him exercise and sport boosts his happy chemicals, he has also started to address the insomnia.
At the moment he’s not interested in formal support but knows it’s there. As for his course, at the moment he doesn’t want to drop out but also can’t face the prospect of retaking the year. Maybe once his mind is in a better place this might be more acceptable but at the moment I am not putting any pressure on him.
DS’s biggest problem is that he refuses to use his life experience to date as an excuse. Only the staff at school knew what he was going through and because outwardly he was coping really well he was pretty much left to cope.
I don’t believe he has an underlying mental health problem but has just experienced more life changing events than the majority of young people experience in a very short period of time. Just one event would have been enough to tip some over the edge so it sort of makes me optimistic that he will cope eventually. But I am concerned at the moment since I believe he would benefit from a course of antidepressants but since it’s a struggle to get him to take a paracetamol for a headache ( he just doesn’t see the need to medicate) we may have a battle ahead.
My advice to the op is to give support, listen without offering solutions ( something that is quite difficult). Offer to arrange for help or therapy but don’t be surprised if they refuse. Getting a diagnosis is a double edged sword on the one hand it can lead to treatment but if there is no label forthcoming it can be confusing and difficult for them in their early teens.
We often underestimate how they react to life in general and with the advent of social media and the internet they have far more access to disinformation about pretty much everything. In the past they would have asked us about “stuff”, now they resort to the World Wide Web and it can’t be good.