11year old wants to be different but is hurt easy.

[HannahGr93]

I have 3 sons age 13,11 and 6 and I am really worried about my 11 year olds mental health.
My 13 and 6 year old are very very similar to each other and very like their dad.. into farming, rugby and love the outdoors. My 11 year old has never been a fan of any of the above which we have fully respected and quite literally bent over backwards to support him. He enjoys doing musical theatre and goes to scouts.

Over the last year it has become very apparent to both ourselves and the school that he has some neurodivergent traits- he struggles to manage his emotions and is socially developmentally delayed, struggles with basic day to day such as getting dressed correctly (clothes are always back to front, shoes on the right feet etc) and he struggles following instructions but he is very academically clever and intellectual. We have sought support for him but the CALMS team in my area are not taking on any new patients at present.

The last few months we have noticed massive changes in him emotionally and socially, he seems to be struggling to maintain friendships he’s had since nursery- he goes to a small rural school of 65 children. He generally gets on with everyone and everyone comments on how nice and friendly he is but he doesn’t see that and thinks everyone in the world is against him.. he also loves drama and will do anything to tell on someone for doing something wrong which I can see is provable why people are distancing themselves.

over Halloween he wanted to dress up as a character from a story he had written which involved ripped jeans, leather gloves and a big green pair of feathered wings.. we supported him to create this while also advises that he was older now, most of his class won’t dress up so some people might say things to him. We also ordered him a separate outfit to wear out trick or treating as he was going out in the town with a new friend who is older. On Halloween we got a message from the school to say there had been an incident and he had been upset as some people in the class had called him “gay” and a “femboy” but they had all been given in stern trouble for it and they also shared in there message that he had said to the teacher he wanted to start painting his nails but he was too scared to tell us.

We had a conversation about this and although we said we would support him- as we have done through everything we advised about how he feels like he doesn’t fit in and how upset it makes him when people comment on how he looks (he also has his ear pierced and he sometimes dyes his hair bright colours in the summer). And tried to highlight will the benefit outweigh the risk as such. He got quite upset and I don’t think he fully understood and he also shared that a girls from school had given him a bag of nail polish secretly. We agreed he could paint his nails at the weekends and see how he felt with them before wearing them to school etc. when looking through his phone he also has had multiple conversations with people from his classes, schools etc that he wants to do nails, make up, jewlery etc and we don’t support him.

I’m completely stuck on what to do now- as parents we feel we need to protect him as he isn’t emotionally aware enough to protect himself. I know if he starts wearing nail polish, make up and fancy jewlery to school etc people are going to say things, pass judgment which he is hyper sensitive too and he is going to be really hurt by it. But I don’t want him to feel we want him to be anything other than himself. He is going up to secondary school in August and he is the only child going from his current school so there is big transitions ahead for him.

AIBU to say we fully support him in whatever he wants to do when we are at home etc but when at school and especially going to his new school he doesn’t wear nail polish etc until he is older and more mature/ deal with conflict without getting hurt.

I just want what is best for him open to any feedback.

Have school suggested he be assessed for ASD etc? It would be better to be done before he gets to high school.
I’d suggest he’s more likely to find more people who like the same things as him at high school, it might just be the making of him.
Surely nail varnish and jewellery are against the rules at school?

Was he in school this week? I thought it was half term everywhere? Or were school contacting you in half term about things that happened before the break?

It sounds as though the unacceptable bullying re 'gay' and 'femboy' happened without him painting his nails etc, so it sounds like he is already a target regardless of this. I would be very wary of the idea that if only he doesn't paint his nails they won't say things like this.

I would be taking this back to school and asking more about how they're dealing with things there.

Thanks for your reply.
I’ve spoken to the school twice over the last year and we agreed he needs an assessment for ASD but cahms aren’t taking referrals unless he has significant mental health concerns alongside ND (we are in Scotland) l, I’ve also asked for support from school nurse but told by them that it’s cahms that need to support us. I am going to meet with the school this week to further discuss but feel it’ll be another dead end of support. School seem very relaxed on it all and in the message from the school his teacher actually said “he wants to start wearing nail varnish and I reassured him you would support this” so leaves me stuck.

Does he understand that actions have consequences? And while that may or may not be fair that is always going to be the case. So maybe come at this from the other end. What outcome does he want? To be accepted and have an easy life? To be “him” and be treated and viewed differently. And does he have the necessary resilience to deal with that. These are questions for him to
mull over and decide. Not you. And the answer now does not have to be the same answer for ever.
Also he needs to be told that saying you guys don’t support him when he isn’t being upfront with you is pretty poor behavior on his part.

Thanks for you reply.
We are in Scotland so schools are back.
His class is mainly full of rowdy football boys so he has been getting the comments when he started musical theatre etc last year. I will definitely speak to the school but I also know kids will be kids and can be so cruel.

Look at right to choose fror assessmemt. Has he had any other involvememt? Eg ed pysch or language and commuication team?

Does he know about gay people? That it’s OK to be a boy and wear make up?

A couple of things:

he also loves drama and will do anything to tell on someone for doing something wrong which I can see is provable why people are distancing themselves.

Conformance to rules can be an ASD thing so he may be doing it for this not to create 'drama'. With secondary I'd be giving clear guidance on when to speak up and when not to. (eg Is it impacting him, is it 'unsafe' )

With the clothes, nail varnish etc, and possible ASD I would be very concerned he may get swept into the whole 'trans' stuff so i would be talking about how there are lots of ways to be a boy, dropping in names/info of people who don't conform to stereotypes but know which sex they are, and also being very careful on internet access.

With secondary school I'd hope they have strongish rules on uniform that exclude nail varnish just to avoid the issue for now. But also as needed talk him through what others might say and how he could react maybe?

It must be difficult.

Most schools ban make up and jewelry. Some have rules about nail polish.

if you think he is ND I’d be very wary of going down the “people will bully you if you are different” line as while it is true it won’t help if he is ND.

secondaries can be a place for people to find their tribe more.

While I understand why you have taken the line you have, I'm not sure preempting bullying and warning him about what others will think and say is the right approach here. It sounds like he already has a pretty clear self identity that he is set to pursue, so all he is hearing when you say this is that there's something wrong, that people will think he's weird. Hence leading down the path of thinking no one likes him even when they do.

I think you need to simply be clear that you think he is wonderful and you will absolutely support him against any bastard who thinks otherwise. For example with the nail varnish, I think your response should have been "brilliant, what colour would you like?" then you deal with the consequences when they happen. FWIW where I live (urban city) no child would have batted an eyelid anyway. Unfortunately a big part of this is about where you live.

It's tough for a boy from what sounds like a very conventional, sporty, rural family to be so different, he is going to need you to be strong, not start worrying on his behalf or advising him it would be better to hide who he is.

Sounds like a family members son same family dynamic too. They had a very challenging few years with him early teens but now at 16 nearly 17 he’s more comfortable in his skin is a lovely lad with a devoted female friendship group.

Will he be going to a bigger school in September? To be honest, if one of my dc was struggling like this I’d move house so he wasn’t at such a small school. I’m a primary school teacher, it’s not out there for boys to wear nail varnish where I live.

It sounds like he needs ‘more’. I used to purposefully take my own dc to major cities at weekends and a week in London very summer so they could see ‘more’ and not think that everyone looked and behaved the same.

I agree with Wally, he has to decide what he wants. Loads of dc are different from the mainstream but people, are going to notice and say something. That’s a part of it all really. One of mine is very conformist and the other is so very the opposite. She’s always been like that, she just thinks in a really different way. She’s eighteen now and at university using her differences for good!

No advice but just wanted to say he sound great. I bet he'll end up a theatre costume designer or something creative like that 😁

I agree with @Beedeeoh, I think you back him to the hilt and find some counselling for him so he can discuss his emotions and learn some regulation techniques, in what he feels is a non judgemental environment. He can be whoever the fuck he wants to be and you all love him unconditionally, that will help him to love himself and not give a damn about the bullies. Teach him not to be ashamed and it will be easier. It sounds like he’ll get picked on anyway so give him some armour. I understand your hesitancy by the way but I think making him proud to be different, as much as I loathe the phrase, is the way to go.

I’m going to be honest. On the scale of child mental ill health, he’s very, very low level. CAMHS will be dealing with DCs who have tried to kill themselves or who have been sexually abused or exploited. Into criminality. Your DS - who sounds fantastic by the way - doesn’t sound mentally ill, he’s quirky and different. By sending him to CAMHS, you’re telling him that being different is not OK and that he is mentally ill.

I agree with your approach as to telling him to wind it in at school. That’s a life lesson isn’t it? Sometimes we all have to conform a little if we want to make our way through life.

Your DS will meet his people in due course. Until then, you can help him build his resilience. But if he’s good academically and involved in things like scouts and drama then it sounds like he’s already doing quite well? I’m sure he will prosper in future years.

I know you have noticed some traits that suggest he is neurodivergent, but the majority of what you describe is a creative child in quite a conformist environment. Even the part where you say most 11 year olds in his class no longer dress up for Halloween seems odd to me from the environment I’m in, where that’s not the case and kids that age are excited to see creative costumes.

None of the ways he wants to express himself seem especially extreme and, unfortunately, I think the context makes it feel more of a problem than it would be in a more diverse urban environment. It’s sad to hear that he’s been called names. Of course the kids saying these things are the ones who should change and although it’s hard to navigate these things and I understand you want to protect him, maybe a deeper sense from you that he is completely fine the way he is would help?

As pp said, visiting more diverse cultural environments is a good thought. It sounds like he’s friends with the girls, so he’s not isolated, which is positive. Would his dad or brothers consider popping on some nail polish too for fun and not treating this as a huge deal. It might give him confidence and make him feel less isolated if this isn’t treated as a huge worrying transgression but just a little shared fun creative thing that’s totally OK. As has been mentioned it’s unlikely this will be allowed in secondary school so not worth worrying too much about that at this stage.