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Original poster

PDA, autism , adhd or normal behaviour

33 replies

Goodrich8 · 12/10/2025 18:50

I am hoping someone can help me who has maybe had a child show similar behaviours. My nearly 4 year old son is usually happy, plays and speaks well, attends nursery and I have no development worries. He does however regularly do things that cause a serious meltdown for example he will ask for a drink he will be given the drink he will then say I don’t want the drink so I’ll put it down he will then ask for it again this goes on for ages with crying in between he will then cry and insist I stand exactly where I stood the first time he was offered the drink but this can last 30 minutes. We have recently been on holiday my dad was stood in the pool ready to play my son said I want to go in the pool with grandad so I said great jump in grandads waiting ready, he then said I don’t want to go in the pool again this then goes on and on and escalates it can last Upto an hour. He doesn’t just do this when he’s bored or when I’m asking him to get dressed this can be at times when he has our full attention. He asked to sit in a seat my mom was sat in so she moved again he said he then doesn’t want to sit there he wants to sit somewhere else so again we all moved and again this escalated. He is very sensitive, he eats well, sleeps okay, he is occasionally funny about labels in clothes but not often, school have no concerns and he can go days without a meltdown, he also seems to only really behave like this with me , slightly with his dad.
Today we went to a friends for lunch he cried as someone else went to the toilet first he then asked the other person to hold the door then he refused to go to the toilet so they left the door he then cried they held the door again as he asked, he refused again this again last 30 minutes I understand the causes are small but the meltdowns last for so long, we try distraction and this works but then it’s like he remembers and goes back to demanding someone to hold the door etc. he does seem to flap a bit and pull at his clothes when he’s having these meltdowns but doesn’t any other time. He also does this when we are home on our own so I don’t think it’s the social aspect of the situation -
if anyone has any advice on how we are best trying to deal with this behaviour I would really appreciate it. Would he be able to control autism / PDA for a couple of weeks or would it be more constant? I really don’t know how best to deal with it and it’s now getting really draining, embarassing in public and upsetting for us all :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodrich8 · 12/10/2025 20:31

BertieBotts · 12/10/2025 20:23

In this scenario you just need to stop trying to fix it with logic because he's not in a logical place - his emotions have taken over and he is stuck in them.

You could either engage in some kind of emotion coaching (e.g. like the How To Talk books) where you validate the feeling and then encourage him to take deep breaths etc or just make sympathetic noises, but stop focusing on what the "problem" is because it probably doesn't matter, he is just a bit tired/thirsty/overwrought because he is 4 and his emotions have developed faster than his ability to self-regulate them, which is totally fine and he will get there. With this approach I would also take some time outside of the upset moment to talk about feelings and how we all feel sad or angry or tired or jealous or frustrated (etc) sometimes and it's normal and OK to feel that way and it doesn't last forever, and maybe look at some things you can do when you feel like your feelings are getting too big like breathing exercises - there are some fun ones for kids, like balloon breathing or blowing out pretend birthday candles.

Or you could give him some space - talking less is often a good idea when a child is stuck in this kind of thing. Trust that he will, after some time, find that the feeling passes and he can fix the problem himself. Go about your day and every so often you can remind him "I'm here when you're ready" or "The drink is on the table when you want it" but basically stop engaging because it is just giving attention to the behaviour, and he is not dying of dehydration nor is his leg broken and unable to take him to the table. He's OK - while this may feel unsympathetic, it doesn't have to be. You can still have sympathy for his feeling while understanding ultimately it doesn't help to rescue them from every bad feeling ever.

Or what helps sometimes is to diffuse with humour - e.g. repeat his request "You want ME to get you the drink? I just sat dowwwwwn! I could not possibly. Nah. I'm too tired. My arms won't stretch. Hggggggggnnnngngh. Nope. Sorry. Wait where was that Mr. Tickle arms button again? I will try that. Hold on one sec." More performance of pretending to reach the drink.

If you feel that "nothing helps" then I would guess that you are over-empathising, acting as though him feeling bad is an emergency/problem and trying to make him feel better by following his requests and looking for the "right" answer, and that won't work because he is not being logical. He just feels all blah and rubbish and he wants you to know that he feels blah and rubbish. And it's OK for him to feel that way and he will also not feel that way forever.

If you feel anxious about trying the middle approach, try setting a stopwatch on your phone (without him seeing) and see how long it actually takes him to calm down. I would bet that it is actually less than 5 minutes, yet you are feeling every second drag on as though the whole thing is 20+ minutes.

A couple of content creators I like who have helped me with the over-empathising issue and helped me see how to help a very deeply feeling child through big emotions without getting lost in them are Janet Lansbury - her website is very searchable, so if you google Janet Lansbury 4yo emotions or something like that, you usually hit on a helpful article. And theteachermomma on instagram has some excellent posts recently too.

If this is happening once every couple of weeks, I don't think you have anything to worry about in terms of neurodivergence, but if the techniques for ND kids help, then use them!

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Thank you so much I think you have hit the nail on the head I think deep down I’ve known that’s what’s needed but in the past when I’ve tried the it’s there when your ready tactic I’ve felt it’s really made it worse. Perhaps I need to be more consistent with it and not chose to play into it sometimes kind of thing.
I have tried the being funny idea but love the one you’ve suggested will defo try that out - thank you
can I ask if when you say it’s there when your ready thing he then just says mom mom mom mom do I just keep replying while repeating your drink is there when you want it ? If I ignore him he just repeats my name until I say yes then he asks for his drink 😅it’s like going round in circles.
I will defo search the pages you have suggested and thank you for taking the time to give such useful advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodrich8 · 12/10/2025 20:33

Goodrich8 · 12/10/2025 20:31

Thank you so much I think you have hit the nail on the head I think deep down I’ve known that’s what’s needed but in the past when I’ve tried the it’s there when your ready tactic I’ve felt it’s really made it worse. Perhaps I need to be more consistent with it and not chose to play into it sometimes kind of thing.
I have tried the being funny idea but love the one you’ve suggested will defo try that out - thank you
can I ask if when you say it’s there when your ready thing he then just says mom mom mom mom do I just keep replying while repeating your drink is there when you want it ? If I ignore him he just repeats my name until I say yes then he asks for his drink 😅it’s like going round in circles.
I will defo search the pages you have suggested and thank you for taking the time to give such useful advice

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We have tried the counting method but he just tells me to stop 😑

OP posts:
AnonSugar · 12/10/2025 20:38

I wouldn’t be worried about incidents like this several weeks apart.

my 6 year old can do this 5+ times a day. She’s currently undiagnosed.

BertieBotts · 12/10/2025 21:20

No, don't reply, don't say yes, just turn your attention to something else. If you want to you can explicitly say "I'm going to put this washing away, I'll come and check on you in a couple of minutes." or even just "I'm going to give you a moment to calm down, I'm here when you're ready." But you don't need to say anything if you don't want to.

You do have to consciously try to tune it out or bite your tongue, which is why the timer can help, as it can remind you that it's not an emergency and nor is it abandoning him, if he's upset for a few minutes. The few minutes feels like hours if you are panicking and getting stuck in his feelings yourself.

Jo14357 · 12/10/2025 21:20

This lady is the OCD expert on Facebook and has lots of videos/advice.

PDA, autism , adhd or normal behaviour
mamagogo1 · 12/10/2025 21:24

Obviously these are only opinions and you should monitor and seek professional advice in the future if things don’t settle but my advice to reduce the tantrums is partly to avoid giving him opportunity, state you are doing x rather than leeway. Children do need boundaries. The behaviour of testing what they can get away with is common up to 4 or so, but by then it should start to ease

Arran2024 · 12/10/2025 21:47

Goodrich8 · 12/10/2025 20:03

We have tried offering a cuddle he refuses, and then goes back to whatever the issue was, tried distraction this occasionally works then he remembers and goes back to the issue

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I don't think you can necessarily expect anything you do to work, at least not straight away. And so much of it is not what you say but the way you say it, the body language etc.

It's about being flexible and really paying attention to what is going on under neath. You might simply agree with him and leave him to come down out of wherever he has gotten himself to for example.

For us, it was more about helping my daughter to feel safe. This took years. In the meantime each incident was us practicing getting it right.

GazeboLantern · 12/10/2025 22:06

I agree with a lot of what’s been said here. As parents we don’t want our dc to be distressed, but at the same time we must recognise that it’s not possible to go through life never being distressed. We do our dc no favours by over-empathising and always trying to make everything OK. It’s OK to sometimes be distressed. It’s an emotion to process, just as joy is an emotion to process.

On a practical note, have you tried a different cup? Ds generally ate better off small plates and drank better from small cups. Although I knew he was hungry and would eat much more, I’d give him 1 fish finger, 8 chips and a small spoonfull of peas, and offer more when he’d nearly finished. I wonder whether a large amount was daunting. I’ve since learned about hunger affecting emotional regulation.

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