Advice for my 11yo daughter struggling with anxiety & confidence

[JANICEMAM]

Hi everyone,
I’m looking for some advice about my 11-year-old daughter. She’s always been quite shy, but lately her anxiety has really been getting in the way — especially with school. She gets very nervous in the mornings and sometimes feels sick at the thought of going in. She worries about what other kids think of her and has very little confidence in herself, even though she’s such a lovely, kind girl.

I’ve tried talking to her teachers, and they’re supportive, but I still feel like I’m not sure how best to help her build her confidence and feel more comfortable. Has anyone been through something similar with their child? What helped?

So sorry she’s going through this. Is she in Y6 or Y7 and is there any ND? Have you seen the GP yet about her anxiety? And do you do anything like guided meditation with her? There will be ones suitable for her age in YouTube.

CBT can be very effective for anxiety. Look up therapy in your area

What are her clubs or hobbies? What does she do, in or outside school, that she knows she's good at?

Swimming, dance, stagecoach, karate? Drawing?, gaming? Scrabble?

Having a social activity where there is no pressure to succeed but she enjoys, will do wonders for her confidence.

DBT can also be very effective.

Is she y7? Has there been a big change since starting secondary school? Does she do any clubs/lunchtime stuff in school? Some kids really struggle with the social aspect of breaks when there is no structured activity and they don’t have a group to hang out with. What does she do outside of school? Is there anything she is good at or enjoys? People dismiss it with shy, anxious, girls, but cadets is absolutely brilliant for confidence building and friendships - getting left out just isn’t a “thing”.

Wow thank you, im new to mumsnet im so pleased ive joined,
She loves drawing & arts and crafts & shes obsessed with Titanic, she writes her own Titanic stories shes really good!
Yeah shes in yr7 started secondary school in September & shes the smallest in her whole year, I think that has alot to do with her confidence aswell,
What is cbt and dbt?
Thank you guys I really appreciate you all 🙏

If you click here it tells you about DBT.

And this link tells you about CBT

She does sound lovely and im sorry that she’s struggling.

I don’t know if any of these books would help?

I agree with the advice about a hobby outside of school, preferably mixing with different people to who is at school. It will give her life a whole different dimension and take the pressure off the school social dynamics and hopefully help build her confidence.

Thank you so much this will really help 🙏🤗🤞xx

Thank you so much this will really help 🙏🤗🤞xx

See if school have access to a mental health support team, it’s school based low intensity cbt informed support.

There is a great book called helping your child with fears and worries by Cathy creswell, she’s on the upper age for it, but it’s a really helpful read for parents to think about how you support it.

You could think about thought challenging with her. I’d choose a time when it’s calm and unlressured and really think about what is worrying her, what’s her anxious thought in the morning, how does it make her feel and what is she expecting to happen. Once she’s established what she is worried will happen she can start to challenge that thought, where is her evidence for it, can she see the situation in a more positive way and come up with a more balanced thought?

breathing techniques, visualisation and grounding techniques will also be helpful.

Actually that's a brilliant idea, im currently doing the wim hoff method, dunno if you've heard of it? I do breathwork every morning & a ice bath but my daughter thinks im crazy but its helped me massively since I lost both my parents 3yrs ago, ive suffered severe anxiety and depression since I found my sons dad hanging from our stairs in 2008 I hit rock bottom then 5 yrs later found my sister dead when I was 4 months pregnant with my daughter in 2014 & I didnt think id ever recover but since I started practicing wim hoff in June this year I feel amazing, so I'll try and get my daughter to do breathing exercises like me see if it helps, I doubt she'll try the cold baths & showers though 🙈 xx

Full ice baths might be a bit extreme, but filling a sink with cold water and sticking her face in it could be helpful https://blog.ochsner.org/articles/mammalian-dive-reflex-a-cool-way-to-reduce-stress-anxiety-and-panic-attacks/

Absolutely loads of secondary school children especially year 7s don't actively look forward to going to school. A lot of parents go with the fake it till you make it advice. I got my children to spend some time looking in a mirror and working out what a confident face looks like compared to eyes down avoiding eye contact. Ds2 is ND so this was really important for him. We encouraged him to have a slight smile on his face to look approachable.

Your DD needs to be congratulated on going to school every day despite feeling anxious because she is winning. It is a massive adjustment for all children going to secondary. Primary they had 1 or 2 teachers if there was a job share, one classroom and usually the same 29 other children in there with them. It was familiar because they have been there since they were 4. Secondary is massive, different classrooms, a school to navigate round, planners, homework, a different school run. These are things she can acknowledge she is dealing with so tell her how amazing that is.

I agree with you challenging her thoughts but also she needs to question her thoughts too. Definitely get her involved in some hobbies or clubs outside of school to build friendships there. Also any clubs in school whether over lunch or after school where she can find friends who like the same things she does. Ds2 was in an after school club for 5 years and they really looked after the younger ones when they were in the higher years ie years 10 and 11. Really helped bolster their self esteem.

Keep school informed too. Sometimes they are good at pairing up children for friendships.

As another PP had said - have you considered neurodivergence? My DC2 started becoming very anxious at around d that age and we eventually (after finishing school) discovered they were dyslexic and autistic and also have ADHD. Didn't realise about any of this until university.

The worrying about what friends think - that is typical ADHD (rejection sensitivity dysohoria) and the obsession with the Titanic could be an autistic special interest. Lots of anxiety comes as part of the package with ND. Obviously I could be barking up completely the wrong tree.

DC2's school threw me off the ND scent. Tbe school gave DC2 a load of screener questionnaires for various types of ND and they all came out normal, so don't trust the school's screeners.

Wow @JANICEMAM That is such a lot to go through. Well done for doing positive things to help yourself each day

Ive ordered a few books to help with my Daughters anxiety about school etc, we're just reading one now its really good 👌

One thing which I’m not sure has been mentioned yet is that if she is 11, really she needs to consent to the assessment.

Do you talk about ND in a positive way with her and in front of her?

Sorry what's ND?

Neurodivergence (autism, adhd, dyslexia, dyspraxia)

I'd not jump to that (ND) straight away - plenty of teen girls feel awkward and unsure of themselves, par for the course with hormones. Just do the books and keep and eye on her, encourage clubs in and out of school. Revisit how she is feeling in a few months.

Your daughter is lucky that her mum is looking out for her. Start with the basics OP.

Dumb phone instead of smart phone. The more online activity the more likely to develop anxiety, depression, OCD, cyber bullying, body image issues, eating disorder, reduced sleep and quality poor attention and focus.

At 11 when hormones rage for most girls, adding a smart phone to the mix can be the undoing for some. If a smart phone is absolutely necessary to not be left out from friendship group arrangements lock it down and only allow 20 min of basic messaging apps. Absolutely no social media as there is a strong association with SM at such a young age and all of the above. Limit or cut out online games and apps.

Does she get 9-11 hours quality sleep?

Is she eating a healthy varied diet?

Additional Vitamin D is recommended

Is she doing any sports? Does she have any interest or hobbies that don't involve how stylish she looks? Sports is amazing and there is something that suits everyone.

Does she have friends? Even 1 close friend at school can make all the difference. Encourage her to join school clubs. Encourage her to do her best academically, which can boost her confidence.

Being a pre-teen in secondary school is not for the faint hearted, hair rising for us mums. She will get through it. Have you taken her to the doctor to have her checked about her height? If all is normal, she will grow soon enough and that in itself will give her a new lease of confidence.

Be careful what books you get her. The What to do when you worry too much on the almighty girl blog is absolute rubbish, we have it and I threw it in the recycling as didn't want some poor unsuspecting person to pick it up from the charity shop. I felt it would do more harm than good.

You could try doing this together.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Good-Vibes-Gratitude-Journal-Mindfulness/dp/1677148721/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2G0H8TJ49O0E6&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.XlKQywQ9tXDsluRjnQ9jNq4AC4l-aqcxIVe1dOHhAajs7Bm1ll0oUXe5HFWW_F54XNGFaHvZFPaOZLzbWWoRSpb8MQC1icapvCB1ksXoZyf_BuoQhU9zHbZIjWH9jEeoDFcVBbh6JVAaV86LRktF2QYCUP1xNXTnhBxicJBG8NKYwzT8Q97CqSFdfyz0EdUuHhYTaZXPHuCtQWWt3UukIhWXC3L3GkImmVcmyeKkmG8.m_O-r8be_vo2DAYcSXnx4rCcowAHDTzCWTG18rIw68s&dib_tag=se&keywords=gratitude+journal+for+teenagers&qid=1761041578&sprefix=gratitude+journal+for+teenagers%2Caps%2C84&sr=8-4

Get yourself a gratitude journal too, sit together and aim to complete a page a day and chat about it. If non of this helps a few sessions with a recommended counsellor might help. But again be careful who you choose. You know your child best and there are a lot of charlatans out there.

My son is exactly the same but he’s struggling further with emotional and outbursts and stuff but one thing that helped my son was he joined the chess club for afternoons :) he loves going there