4 year old struggling to settle & crying "I want to go home" in sleep 😭

[Elliejayes]

My little one turned 4 in August and so has just started reception in school. He's normally a very happy, friendly but sometimes shy little boy. But makes lots of friends and adjusts to everything fairly easily.

He's just started school and has been there a week and is really struggling. He won't take about school, he's mute about it. So we just settle for a thumbs, thumbs in the middle or thumbs down. And he always does thumbs down. He doesn't seem himself. And tonight he was crying in his sleep "I want to go home, I want to go home" so I said "you are home darling" and he said "I just don't like school". I know he was half asleep but it's broken my heart. Please help ...I just don't know what to do and the thought of it bothering him to cause him anxiety is so stressful

I would definitely speak to the teacher. They need to make a big effort to build a relationship with him. That’s the only thing that helped my child suffering in the same way. It was actually mainly the TA as she had the time. Though the teacher was great as well. They didn’t know how much she was struggling until I explained. I’d also started sending something from home. A tiny teddy for his bag, a bracelet if yours, your scarf, anything that he can use as a transition object.

Oh dear. Did he have a settling in period before starting? Could you speak to the teacher and TA’s and find out what the day is like for him. Do you think he’s getting bullied? Did he go to nursery beforehand and move with children he knows?
I would be onto school asap and I would say he is having bad dreams. I would also think about a different school depending on how they respond.

Why not pull him out of school and start him when he's just turned 5?

Can you defer him for a year? Just turned four and struggling with it so much, that would be my first thought. Poor little thing. 😢

He’s so young 😞 I will never understand why we do this in the UK. I’m an ex primary teacher (home ed mum now) and I cannot fathom it. They’re babies still.

It must break your heart. I have no advice but to say make sure you advocate for your child and follow your instincts always. maybe try to defer?

Can you take him out and defer? My daughter was born at the very end of August and I deferred her, so that she started school having just turned 5 rather than having only just turned 4. (It’s not a loophole or anything, it’s a clear process that anyone in England with a summer-born child has the right to do). The difference in her development and confidence during that ‘extra’ year at home (and nursery) was very marked. They are so very little still, at just turned 4. I hope you manage to find a solution.

Definitely tell the teacher. My little girl had some anxious times and still has wobbles she's 7 now. In the morning before we left for school we used to draw a heart in Sharpie on her hand /arm. We called it our hug so she knew if she needed a hug she used to kiss or touch the heart. Be careful with personal items and these can cause issues with getting lost, broken or stolen. A photo is a good one though. He can pop it in his drawer. Your heart must be aching,mine was. But best to stay positive and neutral while listening to them. That way they can be reassured it's ok to feel a bit scared. Kids are great at picking up our emotions and bouncing off them!

Apologies for dodgy grammar currently juggling newborn baby and cluster feeding!

Apologies this got longer than I’d intended!!

First… Ask for an urgent meeting with the teacher and the SENCO to discuss your concerns and ask them what they can do to help him feel more comfortable.
Transition toys are great and my son, now in year 2, still takes his but I’ve noticed it’s still in the same part of his bag where I left it last week.. which is a good sign as he hasn’t needed it… teachers usually support this but make them aware and keep the toy one that can be discreet and not something other kids will want to play with (think small teddy over a car for example).

Things that have helped my son are:
Me making him a very basic list of what’s going to happen that day which usually looks like 1. Wake up and go to the toilet, 2. Have breakfast 3. Do reading 4. Get dressed 5. Go to school 6. Do phonics 7.Have lunch 8. Play 9. Come home .. etc etc.. for my son it was important to know that lunch was there and wouldn’t be forgotten… and that we wouldn’t forgot to pick him up. This really helped him to know what his day looked like and to know that there was a plan and we knew what he would be doing etc. I would write these on a little bit of notepaper and always start at the beginning so we could tick some things off together.. he then took it to school so the teacher or TA could do the same. I’d never see the paper again so I don’t think the teachers did but it helped him feel better about the transition between home and school and back again.

Ask the school to do a ‘now and next’ board with him to help him know what is happening through his day.

if he won’t speak to you directly about what’s bothering him then at bedtime try speaking to one of his favourite toys or teddies and use wondering language.. as if you’re chatting with teddy about him and wondering if Teddy knows what’s wrong etc.. ie “Hello teddy.. I’m so glad you’re here to make XXX feel safe and snuggly as he goes to sleep tonight.. I’ve been wondering if maybe XXX is feeling a bit worried at school… maybe he’s a bit unsure about what the teachers want him to do or is just missing being at home with mummy/daddy… yes, you’re right teddy, it is such a big step.. yes.. I’m so proud of him too… uh huh… yes, mmm.. yes.. well I do miss him when he’s not here but I know he’s going to do well at school…” etc…
I know it sounds a bit much but it worked unbelievably well with our son who struggles to communicate. They don’t have to say anything but they can hear you and often our son would start nodding or saying no as we said things to teddy.. it’s like it gives them space and takes the pressure off them being able to articulate their feelings. He may not know what he’s feeling.. so you help by wondering aloud.

please do speak with the teacher/SENCO though… they’d rather put plans in place to help than leave him floundering.

Awww thank you so much guys! We're 3 weeks in and whilst he doesn't love school, hes no where near as anxious. And the more we've talked about it he just says "I just love being at home mum. Id just rather be at home with you and daddy". 💔 Breaks my heart bless him. But we talk about how we get together at the end of the day and get whole weekends together. He's just a sensitive soul...and I'm an over worrier!!!! I just wanted to share to say thank you and To give some hope to anyone else who's little one struggles early on ♥️♥️