DD15 is struggling so much

[anna38anna]

We are in our third year of juggling EBSA. Reading posts on here this evening, they go to my heart and there are many who are dealing with much more severe situations than ours - but I just feel lost. I’m not sure what to do next to advocate best for my girl and help her get the best from life.

DD15 is in year 11, GCSEs this year. She’s under a psychiatrist for ADHD, anxiety and depression. She attended 60% of the school year last year. She takes methylphenidate for ADHD most days and responds well to this as a practical tool to help her focus in school. She takes Fluoxetine for depression and it’s really noticeable if she misses a day or two. She possibly could tolerate a higher dosage but I would prefer to help her manage her low mood through the additional measures of diet, fresh air, exercise (when she’s willing) rather than increasing meds. She also doesn’t like how it blocks her feelings.
She self harms and has had a few extreme incidents with alcohol, including one blue lights to hospital 2 years ago.

We are just 8 days into the school year and she’s managed to attend 4 days. The other days are horrible - lying in a dark room, silent, so low in mood, phone surfing to escape, no contact with friends. She was at school on Monday and it’s as though that one long day completely drained her battery and it’s taking her three or four days to recover.

School is sympathetic enough, and she has a statement with some awareness on the part of teachers that she gets anxious - but she’s missed 50% of days so far in September and no one has offered any help. At the same time they are obsessively measuring attendance and are planning to restrict her from sixth form next year on these grounds. She did GCSE modules in June and got AABB, she wants to resit the Bs. She’s academically capable and can probably get through on less than ideal attendance levels. She really wants to sit A levels and keep all her options open - yet if she’s so miserable in the school setting this year, should she really put herself through several more years?

Should school be willing to share the GCSE lesson plan by subject, or at least topics per month, so that we might work independently or with a tutor to stay on track and give her a chance of the A’s she wants?

Had anyone else got other tips to get your young people through exam years?

We’ve tried therapy and haven’t gotten any further than two sessions with several different people, I think when it starts to feel uncomfortable, she backs off. She has trauma from earlier childhood which she talks over with me but isn’t (yet) willing for professional help. This could be the biggest obstacle - or she could just be another of the many anxious teenage girls out there now. Glad of any support from others who are further down the road with this.

I hope your daughter realises that although school isn't working for her at this stage of her life, it doesn't mean she's a failure or there is something very wrong with her.
Anxiety disorders and panic present themselves to a huge amount of teenagers around this age, it's incredibly cruel and very misunderstood.
My youngest son was unable to attend school from age 13. I de registered him after absolutely exhausting all avenues. After a few months of de schooling, all pressure off, just concentrate on wellbeing he slowly learnt how to take his education into his own hands and taught himself. The college where he sat his exams was an independent one and very expensive, yet my son said as he walked to the exam hall he could see they used the very same study books he had been using from Amazon for literally under ten pounds. All of the information he needed, he found free online and passed every exam with excellent results. It can be done. This alone boosted his confidence, along with a part time job in a supermarket once he reached 16.
There are other options apart from a school education.
If this option is not for her maybe think about having a temporary interruption from education. It's not the end of the world.
Exams can be taken at any age, stage of life.
There are lots of things your daughter could look at, dog walking, baby sitting, asking if local animal shelters need a hand, charity shop, running errands for elderly or disabled neighbours, all valuable hands on experience. Just because the school environment doesn't suit her doesn't mean nothing else will.
Main thing now is to concentrate on diet, sleep and exercise.
Try and introduce new fun things into life.
And remember it's just a stage and stages come and go. Most teenagers find they can manage anxiety and panic better as they mature into late teens.
Tell your daughter to take notes of her healing journey because one day she will be able to help others who are in similar situation.
Good luck.

You mention your DD takes her ADHD medication most days and it is noticeable if she misses her Fluoxetine for a couple of days. For meds to be totally effective she needs to take them every day as prescribed. This inconsistency may well be exacerbating her anxiety levels and contributing to her difficulties. I know it’s difficult with a 15 year old but is there a way you can supervise and make sure she takes her meds every day ? If you can this will help stabilise her mood and might help you with your aim of getting her to engage in more exercise / fresh air etc.

I understand you would prefer to help her manage her mood through diet, exercise etc but in your shoes I would seriously consider upping the meds and making sure that she is taking them every day.

standard in person a levels are unlikely to be a good fit for her and frankly it sounds like the school and her are not a good fit.

GCSEs - school should be able to give you the topics being covered. Some courses aim to finish at Xmas (although usually slip) and others wind up teaching right up to the exams.

you haven’t mentioned how she is doing academically. In your shoes I would focus first on making sure she passes maths and English, and then after that on the GCSEs she wants to take to a level.

i also have a DD who dropped out of school due to ill health/MH and she was obsessive that she would not consider moving school/stopping studying etc until she had to because she wasn’t able to make it in.

She needs to try therapy, it takes a while to develop a bond but they know that and they won't push her to talk about anything till she's ready. I'd look into doing EMDR or DBT, you can do both at once, but I think staying with EMDR or brainspotting (I think harder to find those trained in it), should be your first steps. What sort of trauma is it, if you don't mind sharing?

I think you shouldn't be resistant to increasing her antidepressants dose, yes walking, going outside etc can help but they often help for when people who aren't mentally ill have dips in mood and they help to stabilise a person whose gotten better from mental illness. However when she's in the throws of it, the antidepressants are often the thing she needs to help her with isolation, going outside etc, they often get people to a place where they can do that. So I'd say increasing the dose is a good next step.

On the school, I'd call her head of year and/or DSL tomorrow (if they have a pastoral or MH lead, I'd go with them over DSL), it's so important you let school know how she is on those days she's not in and also ask them what they're going to do to help, ask them for a meeting perhaps to come with a plan so that everyone's on the same page.