4 year old daughter breaking my heart

[Mumneedshelpxx]

Hi mums, I hope everyone is well. I’m posting to hopefully seek some advice.

I have BG twins (4YO) and a little girl who will be 2 next month.

for the past 6/8 weeks my girl twin has been absolutely breaking my heart, I’ve tried every approach I can with her, and I’ve just had to drop her to her dads to stay for a few nights as I genuinely can’t cope with her anymore and it’s really hurting me.

she’s just been horrible all the time, constantly shouting and screaming at me, bangs doors, hits her little sister etc. she’s been waking 4 times per night minimum SCREAMING hysterically things like ‘put my water on the floor’ when she literally had picked it up to drink it and just had to move her arm.

Today was just the last straw when a friend came up with her daughter (same age) and she comes up numerous times per week, and my daughter can be nasty to her with words, but today just started kicking her legs and wouldn’t stop, for NO reason!

my heart is so broke, I’ve been making an effort for 1 on 1 time with her, I’ve been buying her little treats when she’s good but it only ever lasts 5 Minutes before she starts being horrible again.

ive also noticed little things like if she gets a spot of water on her, she’ll SCREAM my clothes are wet and she’ll demand more clothes while locking doors and radiators. She asks for 5 kisses, tuck me in and ‘make my bed’ every night she’s in bed, and calls me back multiple times to do it again.

the worst part it, when her dad or my mum take her she’s an absolute angel.

can someone please tell me if this is a phase or its worth ringing HV/doctor?

Honestly it sounds like an attention thing, it must be really full on having 2 4 year old’s and a 2 year old and I think naturally when you have a toddler they do take up more of your time & attention because they require more supervision, more hands on care etc. The result is that she has to compete for your attention and it really doesn’t matter whether it’s good or bad attention, it’s all just attention to her.

It might be a phase or it could be something more like she is Neurodiverse. I would speak to your doctor about it and see what they say. Sending hugs, it sounds really hard.

It might be worth looking into Neurodiversity. ND kids have a hard time processing the sensory world, and/or they are sensory seeking. Both their external world and their internal body can struggle with feelings and it can all kind of just build up. About age 4 or 5, they start to understand social demands, expectations, which just adds to the mix of feelings and triggers a fight or flight response. They don't understand it, so they try to command control to alleviate the anxiety often taking it out on the person they feel safest with. If she's good for grandparents and dad, she could be masking, or she could just generally feel more secure as she isn't competing with the other siblings. She might be worse when she comes back from being them as she's been working hard to be 'good'. The best thing you can do is try not to take it personally, try to give her some time even if it's a little game like thumb wars or high five when she's in a good mood or between activities to keep her feeling safe and connected. It sounds like she's lashing out through anxiety of loss of control and that might be more than just the immediately obvious things, like the friend or the water bottle, it likely things she's not even conscious of...and it will.of course get better as she grows

Is she just starting school?
Could she be worried/stressed about change?

This sounds really tough, and I totally get it can be hard not to take it all personally.
I find the advice on the ‘Bratbusters parenting podcast’ really helpful and reassuring.