I can't send him back to school

[Orangesandlemons82]

My son is 13, under a psychiatrist and on medication for ADHD, Autism, Social Anxiety Disorder, GAD and OCD. He is going into Year 9 and will be starting the GCSE options he has chosen. Academically he is very able, which I think clouds the schools judgement at times.
In Year 7 he was bullied to the point he became suicidal. We have now found out that these bullies are in every class he is taking next year, and he is in classes with none of his friends.
Things have already fallen apart in the last term and he was only feeling able to go in for a few of the core lessons during the last month. Despite emailing and contacting school every day they provided no support.
We have sessions with a psychologist starting soon, but I can't send him back into school like this. I have applied for EHCP assessment and have a meeting with the Deputy Headteacher, but this is 2 days after he is due back at school. My son is very aware of his attendance and is stressed about not going, but equally can't face the bullies again with no friends in his classes. He is often quite a closed book which worries me, and I don't want him to experience wanting to die again. What the hell do I do?!

I’m sorry to hear your son is going through this. From personal experience the trauma of the bullies was lasting and seeing them all the time was hugely detrimental. The school were also not helpful at all.
In hindsight moving schools would have been the best thing. Is this an option?
you can apply for the ehcp with out waiting for the school.

I really feel for you. Re attendance, shelve ANY concerns about that right now. Attendance is an issue for the school, not the child, so please please don’t give it another thought.

Secondly I’d tell your son he doesn’t have to go back unless he wants to. Take all the pressure off him as much as you can. You can ask your GP for a medical sign off if he gets particular about the details.

Thirdly re EHCP have you applied to the LA or simply asked the school?

Id start looking at other settings asap, for ASD and also have a good read about EOTAS.

Sending you both a massive virtual hug. This WILL get better and as soon as you make the decision that he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to, life will be immeasurably calmer.

I have started the EHCP application and uploaded all the medical evidence and reports. I think his confidence is so eroded now that he doesn't feel able to change schools as he does at least have friends where he is, although none of them are in his classes next year. Although maybe the medication increase and psychology sessions will help him get to a place where he feels able to consider this.

Is online school an option?

Have the LA accepted the application? Keep an eye on the dates of everything as they are supposed to work to a strict timetable.

I think moving schools is probably your best option here getting him strong enough

there are very good online school options (though unless you can get LA agreement they do cost) but that might be a stop gap

You don’t need to talk about changing schools to him at this point. If he’s very “rulesy” then a letter from your GP giving permission may help him relax a bit.

A family member had similar struggles and is now doing Minerva online school.
the difference is incredible for the whole family and the child is so much happier
they are Asd diagnosed and the school seems like a great fit
I’m so sorry for you and your ds .

Is it possible to ask the school to put him in classes with his friends and not the bullies?
Why are they putting him in classes with his bullies if there’s another option?

Can you bring forward your appointment with the school by any chance?

Two of my girls both struggled in year 9/10. Cutting long stories short, they both ended up out of school completely while they waited for EHCPs, and they are now in a special school for children with adverse educational experiences.

Sometimes it gets to the point where you literally harm them by sending them to school.

Email the school. There will be some staff answering emails at some point between now and when students restart.

When did you request an EHCNA? Is the LA sticking to the timescales?

If DS is unable to attend school, you can request alternative provision. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use to request s19 provision from the LA.

If the school didn’t deal with the bullying, did you complain?

It might be worth sending him and seeing how it goes. Kids can mature a bit once they get to year 10, especially if he is academic and in the higher sets. Missing education in year 10 could be detrimental and the longer he is out of it the more anxiety there will be about returning.

There is also a Facebook group you can join for advice. Not fine in school

Also as helpful as posters are in saying oh just send him to school they mature please don’t.

Thanks for everyone's support and thoughts. There are a couple of InSet days before they go back in so I will phone the school then. My son's Consultant is writing a letter to school so I should also have that available then.
I think our preferred option would be that he is just moved into the other population so his path doesn't cross with the kids who made him suicidal, but ultimately I think he probably needs to be in a unit for children with ASD etc.
The EHCP decisions are running on time and according to the application a decision to assess will be made by 22nd September, however if it ends up going to mediation, tribunal etc we are looking at a long period of time as there is a backlog for that.
I will definitely look at EOTAS and online school - thank you.
I think what bothers my son is that in the last month he had an exacerbation of OCD symptoms. I contacted the school every day expressing my concern, requesting a meeting and asking for a reduced timetable and they always emailed back saying they would call me but never did. So I only sent him in for English, Maths and Science as that was what he found manageable. His tutor told him that the part time timetable wasn't approved and he had to be in all day. He was really upset as is such a rule follower, but there was no way he could have managed a full day, and actually did really well to manage what he did.
I then emailed the Deputy Head which is why I have a meeting with him in September.

It sounds hard OP. I would ring the school asap as you say. It would be better to have the classes adjusted before he returns if possible. Be a pain if you need to be!
Best of luck to you both.

Try and find out if there is a unit for students who can’t attend mainstream for medical reasons. You can get a child into one of these for mental health conditions as well as physical. Dd is in one. Her mainstream school applied and had a supporting letter from camhs.

I would move schools urgently to get him away from the bullies then assess other options from there. What other schools are there near you? What does he want?

There is no way in hell i would be sending my precious child back to that irresponsible pack of wolves. Home ed an option? He needs new positive experiences. Your poor son.

Shocking lack of support from the school. Really sorry. It sounds intolerable for your DS and not safe for him.

My DD currently under CAMHS psychiatric care and they have said do not think about school until she is more stable. She is starting year 11, so GCSEs.

CAMHS is setting up a meeting between them, us and the school at start of term to discuss her attendance. Difference is that the school have been brilliantly supportive.

I agree with you and all PP saying focus on his health now, school later. He is miles away from GCSEs and plenty of time to catch up.

I would also think you can be really, really strong with the school now. They have been extremely poor and put your son at risk.

Good luck, OP. I know how frightening it is to have such an unwell child. Look after yourself, too.

Absolutely push for him to change his population so he is with his friends. This will be no skin of the School’s nose, but they may still resist it at first. You need to set out very clearly that there is a serious mental health risk for him to be with the bullies day in and day out at school.

It’s really hard to have these firm conversations, but do not take no for an answer.

The school sounds dreadful. My DD’s comprehensive has a whole SEN unit and special stream for those pupils who won’t manage a full set of GCSEs, with built-in time every day to “decompress” in the SEN unit doing non-academic activities.

however… timetabling GCSE classes is a horrible nightmare. Making changes at this stage may be impossible, my dd school is actually still working on the timetable for y10 as there have been last-minute requests for options changes at the end of summer term from quite a lot of pupils.

Big hugs! My DD16 masked until she was 13 and her life crumbled. She couldn’t go to school saying she couldn’t keep herself safe so
we emailed school donuts all in writing that her mental health was so bad she wasn’t able to be safe. We were lucky that CAMHS were good for her, I’ve heard they’re crap for most, but they basically told me her bucket had been filling for many years and now it was spilling out, so was having an existential crisis. I was ‘lucky’ because I kept on at school to offer her an education she could cope with, it’s their job to do this, so don’t deregister him, put the onus back on them. She ended up missing half of year 8 and gradually built up in year 9 to 3 face to face lessons at home, 2.5 hours each, art, maths and English, then did online double science 40 mins a day, she’s just passed all
these GCSEs this week with 6,6,5,4 and 4 so all what we’d call C’s and Bs! She’s got an EHCP in place now for college so all excited for that now!
it doesn’t end there! My DS13 is starting year 9, had a diagnosis of ADHD and ASD in May, but been on that diagnosis pathway since year 5. He has a lot of days off, has bullying and every single
time I email the school and write in detail what the bullies have done and ask for meetings to get some support. I am always polite, but firm, it probably helps that my title is Dr (hate to say it but it usually garners a bit of respect and a firm but fair argument / no
nonsense calling out of crap means they tend to help. He’s getting TA support, languages are now off his timetablw
so he has time to do his work in the learning hub where it’s often quieter. He struggles with noise and can wig-out a bit so is often taken to safe places to continue his worksheets etc. unlike my DD he likes being with his friends in school, sometimes hea
tio overwhelmwd to
go into school aoma
quuck email stating mental
healrh issues and overwhelmed helps. They often let him start later so he avoids to busy entrance to
achool and leaves earlier towards the end of half te when he’s knackered … not ideal but school can help support you just need to be pushy but polite and find thwm
its their responsibility so how can they support your child. Don’t take no for an answer

@WifeOfAGemini that's what I'm worried about. I know what a nightmare timetabling is. I can imagine the school saying he has to stay where he is, but that they will have a zero tolerance approach to bullying towards my son. However the damage and trauma has already been done, he can't be near these kids. His mental health is so fragile now. The medication has definitely helped and I really hope psychological input will have an added benefit.
I think the problem is he is so compliant, follows rules and really academically able so the school don't see how bad things have got, particularly over the last few weeks of term. With the right support he can definitely succeed, but the environment needs to be right first and I can't send him back when he is set up to fail.

@chunkybear I am so sorry you have also been through this. This is great advice though, I won't deregister him, I need to make it their problem and get the right support for him.

If DS was unable to attend full time in the summer term, did you request alternative provision? Ultimately it is the LA’s responsibility to ensure DC unable to attend school still receive a suitable full-time education.