Anxiety and school refusal

[LucilleBoil177]

My 14 year old daughter has always been great at going to school and we've never really had any bother, until around six months ago. She was in year 9 (about to go into year 10) and suddenly she started saying she just couldn't go in, and didn't want to. When asked why, she has said she's terrified of being bullied (I really don't think that she is being bullied, and she has a lovely group of friends - it seems to just be the fear of it happening), and that she is really worried as her belly rumbles too loudly. She's absolutely mortified by this, it might sound silly to adults but when it happens she's terrified someone will hear it in class.
Before school broke up there were many mornings when she didn't go in, just wouldn't, and I had to call the school and tell them I'd get her in when I could, which I did do after having a chat with her. But she was missing a lot of lessons. We're aware she's going into GCSE years now and honestly, I am absolutely dreading September.
She was seeing a therapist who was trained in CBT but it was not a success, and the therapist couldn't get her to open up at all. We're about to start with a different therapist, who won't be doing CBT so I'm hopeful this might help.
She has always been a bit tricky, but never enough to seek a diagnosis. She wouldn't breastfeed as a baby, then weaning was a nightmare, she has anxieties around food. She was the sort of toddler where I'd always have to plan three steps ahead to get her to do what I wanted. She's the sort to wear winter boots in summer and no coat in winter. I suspect there's a bit of ODD going on, among other things but again, nothing extreme enough to seek a diagnosis.
I'm just absolutely exhausted with all the worry. I feel as though she's plunging into anxiety and I don't know what to do to help, or what to say. I do my best. I'm hoping too that the new therapist will help.
As for the belly rumbling we've tried cutting out gluten and then dairy but it hasn't helped, and I suspect it's linked to anxiety.
Any words of wisdom or help would be much appreciated. Please be kind. Thanks if you've got this far.

I'd speak to the school to see what other support can be put in place. Do any youth services in your area do 1-1 mentoring that could also take place in school to help her start to rebuild her confidence there?

Does she have a mobile phone and if so have you been through it with a fine tooth comb to check there's not a valid reason for her fearing bullying? Does she have any goals for the future or career plans? Any subjects she enjoys?

Has the school been able to adjust her timetable? Could you go private for an asd/ other form of nd assessment or could the school push for this? Often girls are not diagnosed until much later as they mask differently to boys. Is an EWO involved and have they made any suggestions?

I think you're going to need to strike a balance between being supportive and putting supports in place for her, but not just making it easy for her to stay at home either as you're right this is a crucial year

When she doesn't go in to school and stays at home what does she do all day? Are you at home with her? Are there any consequences to her missing school? If bullying is the only worry then there's no reason why she couldn't be getting work from school to take home and send in so she's still following along to an extent. The less she does and the more she misses the larger the gap will get and the more anxiety she will feel returning so I would absolutely be asking the teachers for work for her to complete at home.

Thanks for your reply. Yes I have spoken to school and they have been very supportive about it. They've talked about different measures they will put in place in the new school year.
She has never missed a full day of school, as I mentioned before I've always called school when she's refused to go in, then chatted with her for a bit before talking her into going in. I don't want to (and haven't so far) slip into missing whole days, because I don't want her to think that's an option.

What new measures will the school be putting in place? Perhaps go to the GP look into anti anxiety meds but as needed rather than regular dose. If that helps her get into school and then the school make sure she has a calm and good experience over time she may not need them. What modality of therapy is she going to be trying? Also how many sessions with the therapist is it, if it's NHS. Hoping it not only 6.

Start the EHCP application.

This sounds like undiagnosed ND ( bitter experience)

Shes peak age for burnout. Sounds like it’s already happening.