Daughter is lonely and wants another sibling

[NicG79]

Hi all, I’m looking for advice to help my daughter. She’s 10.5 and has an older brother of 15. She’s desperate for another sibling, which isn’t going to happen. She’s so upset about it that she’s struggling to sleep at nights. She describes herself as lonely which makes me so sad for her. She doesn’t go to school locally so doesn’t have the option at the moment to easily go round to friends houses without it being organised in advance. She wants to have the option for company of her own age without having to decide in advance when and when. I’m looking into activities to make friends locally, but any advice on how to speak to her about this “lonely” feeling that also I think it being driven by lack of company of people her own age in her own house? Thanks in advance!

Can you get her involved in some local groups where she can make local friends?

At age 10, I think she's overestimating how spontaneous meet ups would be, though, so her expectations will still need to be managed.

Get her a kitten, or send her to brownies or something so she can make friends there.

well she obiv doesn't want a baby sibling as the age gap would be huge, and she already has a sibling where the age gap is 4 years.

does she think you could adopt a 10 year old girl for her ?

adoption is a huge process and not one to be under taken lightly

what she really wants is more ' playmates ' so as suggested brownies / local groups

and soon she will be at secondary school and the chances of more friendships will increase - unless she is already in a school that takes her through to 18.

I don’t know the answer. It’s important not to dismiss it but point out we all feel lonely at times and it is good to check in with yourself. Loneliness is a feeling that we can have even in a house full of people and it is more common now than ever. Everyone on their phones etc and not connected. But the feeling of loneliness could also be being a bit down or nervous or bored.

We are animal people and the kids have dogs that seem to prefer them eg one likes eldest and goes to them always and another is more linked to another dog. If you get a pet remember they bond with the person and you can’t always force this. Eg my ex brought the dog and felt he should always go to him but he came to me and stayed with me as I fed him, walked him and loved him but my ex felt this was some slight to him. So an animal is a big consideration- for money, time etc but a pet could be a possibility to look at might give her a focus and responsibility so could volunteering with younger kids.

I do wonder if this is self confidence issue and that comes from inside.

Check her multivitamin levels and vitamin D could be a good call.

My eldest was very lonely and didn’t find her tribe until she was 15/16 and she has few friends but she does now. My eldest is ASC which presents differently in girls as well. She was diagnosed with ASC very bright academically, she eventually got good friends through Horseriding, drama and crafting. Socially she didn’t feel that she fitted in - this was and is in part her ASC. I have to say having horses and dogs helped her enormously but it’s a lot of work.

I read a book called freedom from loneliness by Jennifer page - really useful and I highly recommend it as a read for you and her. She states that 78% of us feel lonely at times. Well worth a read.

This is so sad. I have no solution for you, but my heart aches for your little girl

At 10yo a baby sibling is not going to fix that AT ALL so tell her she’s unrealistic there. Take her to local groups to make friends, brownie’s, dance classes, art classes, pony riding, whatever suits her interests so she will have friends who genuinely share her interests.

Does she do any clubs or activities locally? The previous suggestion of brownies is good, DD does guides & does quite a few extra trips or activities each year with them it keeps her busier than just the weekly meeting. She could then try meeting up with someone during the holidays to do badges together.
or try different sports locally?

Do you think that a pet could help? I’m assuming that you live somewhere she could do walks and stuff like that for company.

Understandably she doesn’t have a realistic view of what younger siblings are like. They don’t necessarily want constant cuddles and playing and there’s the obvious possibility that they could prefer the 15yo over her which would be extra sad for her.

Get her involved in local groups.

New baby won’t fix this.

do you have pets? If not consider getting one. Preferably a low maintenance one.

What are the plans for secondary school? When she's a bit older, will she be able to walk or get a bus to meet up with school friends, or will they still all be at a distance?

Is there a way for her to make local friends? Will she go to a local secondary? I have a 10 year old (very nearly 11) who is going to secondary in September and in the last week she has probably had 4-5 spontaneous meet ups with different friends, just popping to the shops, park, going out on their bikes etc.

I don’t think a sibling will solve the loneliness but I think it’s important children have opportunity to see their friends.

This. You need to find her some local groups and get her involved in them

A baby could potentially make her feel even more lonely, there will be less one to one time with you If there was a baby on the scene..... and realistically, you'd have a 12 year old and a 2 year old... their not gonna play together

My dd is 10 and she was so excited for my sister to have her baby. Dd is thoroughly disappointed, having a baby around is not what she envisioned at all and she is no where near as interested in the baby as she thought she would be

A baby sibling wouldn't help her have friends though would it? A baby isn't a doll. Your attention would be taken by the baby and the age gap would be too big for them to have a meaningful relationship for many years. It's pretty ridiculous for her to say that really.

Just sign her up for a bunch of hobby groups she expresses interest in. And make sure she can have playdates fairly spontaneously, within reason.

Is she able to travel on public transport alone to her mates houses? Maybe try and get her used to doing that? Or travelling with a friend to yours or their house from school?

When she goes to secondary school things will change a lot. And she'll be able to 'hang out' randomly after school and have more freedom.

Don't have a sibling cos of what she says. I did. It was disastrous. They never got on.

Also your 10 year old will have less company if you are looking after a baby

I think some of it is her age. For some reason at that age I used to cry in bed imagining there was a gaping hole in my chest. God knows why when I had everything a child could ask for! I think it’s the start of a longing for independence and adventure. The pre-teen feelings basically.

Id definitely see about local clubs etc. are there no kids on the street/ local park?