My sensitive girl is unhappy, and I don't know how to help her

[TheDaughterInLaw2024]

My daughter has just turned five. She is loving, and sweet, and has always been really sensitive. She is well behaved at school, and always loves to follow the rules. She has only just been able to start watching Disney films, as she finds the storylines too upsetting, she can watch them now but always gets really really upset at the sad bits. She is just super sensitive. But she's always been happy and content too.

Recently I've noticed a change in her. We had another baby 8 months ago, and she definitely started crying a lot more at that point, I figured though she was just adjusting, and getting used to what is a big change. One of her best friends has recently stopped going to school, and the other one has moved away, which is also a big change. I also feel like her teacher doesn't like her, I just get that impression, and she has gone from someone who used to idolise her last teacher, to someone who isn't so keen on school, and who never really says anything positive about her teacher. She also talks a lot about how other kids won't always play with her, and how one girl in particular keeps spitting at her.

So she is just upset and crying a lot. She gets super frustrated if we won't play games, exactly the way she wants us to. If we don't give her attention straight away, she just sobs. She is also terrified of getting things wrong, to the point she won't try new things because she is so scared of failure. She just doesn't seem that happy 😕.

What can I do to help her? I try to arrange playdates, but a lot of other parents aren't interested. I always talk about mistakes in a positive way, and how learning helps our brain grow etc. I want her to be my happy carefree little soul again 😭

She'll grow out of it. You can't reinforce the whole 'crying when we don't play games exactly how she wants to though', it'll become her go to response for getting her own way. And while you might be ok accommodating it at home with games, her friends in school won't; they just won't play with the girl who cries when she doesn't get what she wants.

My 8 year old is very sensitive. My 6 year old isn’t. With my 8 year old I am very aware of his feelings and look after him without pandering to him.

I was a very sensitive child (still can be sensitive as an adult) so I notice things in him that others wouldn’t. My husband is more like my 6 year old and has no understanding to the sensitivity.

it is a hard situation and it does make life harder for a sensitive character.

my son is very happy in general and does have friends at school. He does need his alone time and extra emotional care. Again without pandering.

Having his brother definitely helps him and they do balance each other slightly. Hopefully as your youngest gets older it will help your eldest in a similar way.

Firstly she is being bullied, so tackle that immediately. No one is happy being left out and spat at. So that is going to impact and could explain a lot.

She's had an intense period of change - school starting, departure of two friends and a new sibling - that's a lot to process.

Try to calm her life down a bit. She is only 5. The fear of failure is normal for humans. Very normal for kids to get a bit bossy and controlling when unhappy - your job is to model the opposite and say things like 'sure, we can play it your way if you like'. Bravery and confidence develop over time and are built on emotional security, thet can't be forced.

Stop watching upsetting films, many adults cry at Disney - they are intended to make people emotional. Watch things she likes and things she knows already. Let her choose the films.

Play comforting games, look for cooperative games not competitive games. Look for things where the aim is to build patterns - mandalas for example. Choose things with no fixed outcome - things that can be done and redone, then there's no risk and give her space to repeat (normal) and watch out for pressure from you to try/do more. Kapla planks are a good type of toy for this type of problem, but that's just an example of the type.

Comfort, repetition and safety will hopefully help her through this emotional time. Familiar food, places, music, toys, books, films - these are all comforts that people of all ages turn to when stressed.

And never tell her to grow up or be the big sister, that's too pressuring.

Edited to add: play dates sound an added stress for her potentially, so I wouldn't waste energy there.

I would do some good one to one time. Having a baby suddenly turn up is very hard on them. I had to do proper love bombing sessions with my eldest where it would be completely focused on her for 40 mins or so a few times a week.

I would also get your eldest to read to the baby to show how good she is doing at school. This helps the eldest feel very important and skillful and will help with the school issues too.

I agree about not encouraging the crying over games. My dd has a friend who still at 10 bursts into tears every time she doesn't get her way. She's such a brat around it! Tears are gone immediately once everyone agrees to do what she wants.

Do the school mix classes? If she's in with the spitter again maybe ask to switch to the other class.

I'd deal with school first. She's being bullied. What sort of a vile child spits? Your poor dd. Ask for a meeting with her teacher. Raise the issue with the school, ask what they intend to do about i. Ask to see their anti-bullying policy. Ask how your dd is getting on, otherwise. Does she seem happy at school? Her teacher spends a lot of time with her. Ask her opinion.

Wait until your dd asks to see a particular Disney film. There is plenty of material out there that isn't sad. Disney is not obligatory

Otherwise, just make sure she gets a fair amount of your attention or her dad's attention. That you do at least one thing she likes every weekend. Plan it ahead of time so she has something to look forward to.

And just keep reassuring her. Calm and consistent.

You’ve already gotten lots of good advise. Just to add a bit on the Disney movies - if you look on Common Sense Media’s website, a lot of them are not suggested until at least five years of age. Eg Frozen is 5+. Some kids may handle this content okay younger but at the same time it’s developmentally normal for children to be scared or upset by the content in a lot of this stuff. Just save it until she’s older.

For a child of only five, they either have reasons or have not been taught the right behaviour.

Being spat on is just vile OP! I think you really need to speak to the school about that.

I'm wondering about ASD OP, not just because she's very sensitive and struggling a bit socially and a perfectionist, but also because of her rigid thinking around games and playing the way she thinks they should be. Of course it may not be, she's only five and it might just be her age - but that's what I thought about ds too who was then later diagnosed at 10. I remember not being able to read him the stories about the naughty trucks in Thomas the Tank Engine because he'd be upset that they were naughty and got into trouble. It might just be worth bearing in mind as she gets older.

It's also worth considering when some people seem to be implying that she's just being a brat - I think you need to handle it fairly but sensitively. DS as a young adult still feels a sense of being a failure if he doesn't win at certain things - I think it might be part of rejection sensitive dysphoria. I would recommend reading up on rejection sensitive dysphoria as well.

I have a sensitive 7 year old who still watches cbeebies mostly 🤣 Agree with liaising with the school. My DD can often say “x doesn’t like me” when x has generally been a good friend but she has fixed on one thing. So we do some “reframing” with her to help her see things in a more balanced way. I use a lot of the strategies in verycloakanddaggers excellent post above. The key for my DD is having a routine where she knows she will get time to download her feelings to us 1:1, often when we are colouring or doing a puzzle etc at the same time. You could also think of some things she used to enjoy for example my DD used to love to revisit her preschool dance classes (they were aged up to 6 so she could still go). Remember some of these attributes will be strengths as she grows up. Provided she also has 1:1 time with us my dd is a wonderful older sibling and an empathetic friend as she gets older.

Just to add also that at that age we used books to help her name her feelings a lot. “The girl who never made mistakes” was a favourite and also the Tom Percival big bright feelings books and audiobooks are great. Dd has returned to “a horse called now” a lot this year too it is very comforting.

I agree spitting is vile....

But as an infant teacher I am always getting told that Johnny has spat. My normal response is 'Did he spit, or was he just talking in a sploshy way?". It is, almost invariably, the latter. Young children often spit when they talk. I would suspect that the spitter is actually a sploshy talker.

It might be good to encourage another set of friends? Maybe rainbows or squirrels or a sports club? Then at least she will have some other people to connect with even if school friends are not working out at a later time.

@TheDaughterInLaw2024

This looks like a useful resource

My daughter is very sensitive and has had times in her life where she hasn't been super happy. Some of this is growing up (you're not likely to get a sunny, happy preschool child back again, things change as they grow), some sound like bullying (I'd get to the bottom of that), some sounds like things to work on (the crying if things aren't going her way needs to be addressed) and some things are just a lot of changes happening in a very short amount of time.

I'd step away from the Disney films to be honest - even if she's coping at the time she might not be handling it well afterwards. My daughter couldn't do Disney at that age. We stuck with Octonauts and Doc McStuffins and those sorts of things. And a lot of baking shows (which we still like - she's 12 now)

Make sure you're spending a decent amount of 1:1 time together without the baby - am sure you are already aware of this, but it can be really hard to actually do it. Little amounts of focussed time is better than endless distracted time.

What does she like? My daughter is a dancer so we always encouraged her to explore that. She did ballet and tap at that age (although didn't love the noise of tap so didn't do that for long) and now does dance most days in the week. It's a great outlet for her (my daughter also has selective mutism so talking is difficult). Maybe brownies or art or gymnastics or anything really. Something that is different from her usual group of classmates. My daughter never makes friends at activities but she likes learning new things and loves to dance so it's a nice break from her usual life.