13YO DD self harming

[Bangonthedoor]

This evening I noticed horizontal cuts on the underside of my daughters forearm. I only noticed as she was showing me something on her phone and her school blazer sleeve had ridden up. Yes, school blazer in the evening! She never takes it off until she showers then gets in pjs.

I asked her what it was, she said she’d fallen in a prickly bush when she was with her friends the day before. This is clearly not the case as she’s always in long sleeved tops and hoodies even in this weather so she should have been protected. Also cuts from falling in a bush could be expected to be on hands and potentially crossed and certainly not in a horizontal pattern.

She quickly finished the conversation and went to her room. I haven’t revisited because I quite simply don’t know how to approach this and would hate to react incorrectly and then potentially cause more distress.

i honestly have no idea why she would be doing this! Does this make me a terrible mum?! She doesn’t isolate herself, she has friends who seem great, we have lovely conversations and she’s always really open with me about everything! Me and my children have such a tight bond.

im thinking my first step would be to talk to pastoral at the school tomorrow for advice. I will of course revisit this with DD but I just need to know the right way to do it.

For context we are a single parent household, she is the eldest of my 3 daughters.

I’ve arranged for a friend to look after my younger two children next weekend for a few hours so we can have some time together as that’s a rare thing!

TIA

Please don’t think you are a terrible mum. I am a counsellor at a children’s charity and I promise you, it’s not that you are a terrible mum. Generally it’s understood that some young people self harm and it is usually a way of coping with feelings. It isn’t necessarily a gateway to more difficult feelings (for example suicidal ones) but taking away a coping mechanism (even a poor one) can leave a child in more distress. Their safety is important, because you love them and care about them, so safe self harm is something to address (use something clean, clean cuts, ask for help if she is worried about a cut). I know that seems counterproductive because you want her to stop, but at this juncture you want her to open up, not be more secretive, and talk to you. At some point in the future hopefully you can talk about stopping, and coping in other ways, but right now just talking and accepting and asking about her feelings might work better than some other approaches.

there is loads of great info on the Childline website, young minds, national self harm network and similar resources. I’m pretty sure there is info for parents, as well as for young people and who knows you might be able to look at it together.

Time together sounds great-and I’m sure you will go at this gently. I think if I were you I’d try and find out more generally and from her, and hold back from school at this stage, try and talk to her and see what she needs/wants/thinks might help and come to terms with it a bit yourself. You haven’t done anything wrong, you are a good mum (you wouldn’t be alert to signs and asking the questions if you were not a good mum) but it still takes time for you to get clued up and work out how you feel.

My DD was cutting her arms when she was 11/12. She was doing it in lessons and sort of gouging at them rather than slicing so the school noticed first. I would say the school handled it fairly well eventually but the first teacher to notice was not kind or sympathetic and that did not help. She stopped fairly quickly after she found she could take herself out of lessons to speak to the school nurse and they referred her for counselling sessions. I tried very hard not to make a big deal of it but offered her plenty of 1-1 opportunities to talk or tell me how her day was etc. I am also a single parent of 2 so that's not always easy. She's now a very settled and relaxed 14 year old and doing brilliantly at school. I think it was a coping mechanism that she used for a time and moved on from.

@Theoscargoesto

Such a helpful post 💐thank you

@beetr00 thank you.

Thank you so much for your responses. So today I sought advice from the pastoral team at the school I work at (I work at a different school to DD) and they gave me some really useful advice similar to what I’ve read on here.

So she asked me to straighten her hair this evening so I thought that’s a good time to talk to her as it’s usually our time and she doesn’t have to look at me! I basically said I know the scratches aren’t from a bush and she agreed which broke my heart. I let her know that im not saying what she’s doing is wrong or bad but she does need to talk to someone about it. I’ve said it doesn’t have to be me, it can be her Aunty, a trusted adult at school, the doctor, but it does need to be someone. She said ok. So I’ve said she can think on it for a few days and let me know on Sunday who she’d
like to talk to. For now I’ve said she needs to make sure she’s clean etc etc. I did say “can I ask what you’ve been using?” And she said no. So I’ve simply said ok but it needs to be clean etc.

if she still doesn’t come up with someone to talk to then I may call the school
or I may call a helpline for her. I think it surprised her that I mentioned it and I can hear her crying in her room as I type this.

I stayed very calm throughout the conversation and we ended with talking about the red arrows which we both saw fly over our village today.

DD used to pace up and down the house constantly which the school had told me was a stress response and anxiety. It was only the other day I thought she hadn’t done it in ages but it seems this is why.

that sounds quite positive for you both now it's in the open @Bangonthedoor

You've taken a very responsible approach.

Such a difficult and heartbreaking issue but wishing you both all the very best going forward. 🌻

I wish my mum had been like you when I was your DD's age. I think you're fabulous!

Can I suggest a red felt tip pen? Sounds random, but a therapist suggested this to me when I was in my 30s. Instead of harming, use a pen. This is what stopped me when I'd started about the age of 12 until then. That and ye olde elastic band to snap on the wrist.

You're doing great!

@Bangonthedoor i think you are amazing. What a lovely update. Best wishes to you and your DD.

Golly op that sounds so tough. You are dealing with it brilliantly. Hugs to you and your DD.

Thanks everyone for your support. So she came home from dads house today and we had another chat about who she’d like to talk to and it seems to be her ace tutor at school. I have no direct contact for her so I’m going to gave to go through pastoral first.

She had a t-shirt on but two hair scrunchies over her arm to hide.

i noticed on Friday she had x3 elastic bands on her wrist which is an alternative and safer kind of self harm. I think she must have either googled it or someone has told her because that can’t have come from nowhere.

I’m just trying to tread so carefully, I really don’t want her to close up.

I know it is hard to be a mum in this situation, and you feel that you want to do something, anything, to help and to support. I know too that your DD is only 13.

Please remember that being there and starting conversations and not judging is a massive massive thing for anyone to receive. I know it feels like nothing and not enough, but it really is huge. If your DD can take responsibility for this herself, and with you standing with her and cheering her on, talk to her teacher, that would be brilliant. If you can help to empower her, that’s an excellent outcome.

I was your daughter and you are doing better than my mother did!
My mum felt it made her a bad mother but then banned me from talking to people at school about it because she didn't want them to think she was a bad mother.

It's not on you. It's a young girl trying to figure out life and emotions and how you cope. She's come across a method that "works" for her even if just for the moment. The next steps would be about finding safe people for her to talk to, exploring what has led her to self harm and what is the self harm fulfilling for her. Once you can understand the why and then what it's doing you can then work on therapeutic support for managing that situation in a less harmful way and understand the role self harm is playing safer alternatives can found whilst she and you work on the underlying reason.

I'm bipolar but wasn't diagnosed until my mid 20s. I started experiencing depression and anxiety at about 8, the high moods didn't come until later. I really struggled with the pain of depression and that's where the self harm came in. I'm a perfectionist and struggling with feeling out of control. I struggle with having needs that are beyond what I can manage on my own and find it difficult to reach out for support I embody my "strong and independent" persona sometimes too much. It has taken a lot of therapy to unpick it all and at 13 I really had no adequate answers for why I self harmed or why I felt the need. I started at 13 but was 18 before it came to light and others were aware of it.

One thing to watch out for is the transfer for harming methods. I self harmed from 13 to 19 but at other times also had an eating disorder and issues with alcohol especially when trying to avoid being noticed and some of the other methods were easier to go under the radar. I'd focus on increasing the use of other less destructive methods, for reaching out before needing to harm but also find a balance so that she doesn't fear you finding out about subsequent self harm. Instead foster an environment where it's ok to have a debrief and work on what could have been done differently both from your daughters perspective but also her support network - what were the blockers on making a different decision?

This is so heartbreaking. Well done OP. You sound like the most lovely Mum. Hugs to you x x