Two children, two different continents - how to make it work?

[thefoxandthewolf]

I am in an awful dilemma.

I am British. Husband is American. We have two children 14 and 11. I have an aging mother in the UK who needs help. We have spent the last year at school in UK, myself and both children, with husband's blessing and plan to sell inherited house and move over to UK too.

Now husband does not want to leave his job, does not want to sell house due to appraisal being too low and wants 4 more years to reach retirement and financial security. I have wanted to return to UK for at least 6 years due to not liking the society as a whole, including the schools.

Oldest child very happy to stay in UK and flatly refusing to return to USA. Younger child desperately wants to see Dad and old friends. Dad acting very distraught at not having children with him. Divorce has been threatened by me but I don't really want to break our family up. The marriage was fine when working together with the same plan in mind.

Can I send younger one back to live with Dad whilst I stay for 4 months in UK with older one? Then, older one boards (at horrific expense but is ok with the idea) and return to US to be with younger one?

I am distraught with the pain of separating either one from me. (It's harder to be away from the 11 year old as 14 yr old is already interested in independence naturally). What would you do?

I would post on the Living Overseas board as you’ll get more knowledgeable posters that way. Either way, I think I would stay in the UK with both children. It’s your DH who has changed the goalposts. Once they’re settled as teens over there, you’ll have American children. Do you want that? If you want to be in the UK, your DH’s wishes do not trump that. He can move if he wants you all to be together. It is very hard when you could easily make a life in one or the other, but given The Hague Convention, I’d be loathe for either child to go back.

PP has relevant advice regarding hague but given the ages and wishes of the children its less relevant. The 11yo wants to live in America which isn't unreasonable given they were settled there. The 14yo is old enough to make their own choice within reason. Personally I would hate to board my child but if the alternative is making one of them unhappy and facing divorce it might be the best option. If the 14yo will come back to the states every holiday and you can afford the travel and he's happy to do it, I would.

The choice is between an adult making a reasonable sacrifice for four years, by living in a country that isn't their top choice, or two siblings being split up and one of them going to boarding school. Why on earth aren't the adults stepping up?

Thinking ahead, you will end up having to pay international university fees for the older child ( if that's what they want for a next step) as living in the UK for schooling doesn't count as being normally resident if the main family residence is abroad. That's a lot of extra money on top of the boarding fees.