Need professional to help with child’s anger

[Curlyjules]

My son is 9. Are there any professionals who can talk to him about his anger, where it comes from and how to deal with it? He is ok about 70% of the time but when he’s in a bad mood he has explosive rages where he shouts, slams doors, refuses to do anything and is generally very unpleasant. He’s been this way since he was about 3. No behaviour /anger problems reported at school - just at home, but I’m concerned that it’s been the same way for years and is not improving and that it will spiral as he gets older.

All I can find online is parenting tips to help him express his emotions, coping strategies etc. That’s all well and good - but what do you do when your child refuses to engage at all? He absolutely won’t talk, he absolutely won’t listen, and suggestions for expressing his anger another way seem to make him furious. We know the theories and strategies and we have tried them all - but nothing works!

I feel like I want a professional to talk to him because I can’t see what else his Dad and I can do.

Would he be open to play or art therapy?

I think he’s a bit old for play (unless something like a computer game!) and he absolutely hates art so would just refuse. 😕

Thanks though.

MindJam offer therapy through gaming. I've not used the service, but I've only heard good things about them. Would something outdoors suit him, perhaps look into care farms etc that offer therapeutic services.

It is really tricky when they're shut down to discussions. Have you noticed any pattern in triggers? Are you confident he's coping OK in school (e.g. could it possibly the course bottle effect?

I think this sounds like something I would like to try with him - thanks!

Yes, his Dad and I both think he struggles at school. He is not particularly academic. We are constantly told how hard he tries at school and he has progressed a lot - but he’s in a school of bright, probably quite high-achieving kids and his total unwillingness to engage with learning outside school has put him at a disadvantage we think. He’s struggling to keep up and we suspect it could be bottled up frustration/learning fatigue that ends up being directed at us. He reacts very negatively and angrily to any suggestion of hint of learning at home or elsewhere - even things like skateboard and swimming lessons. He HATES the idea of not doing things on his own terms. He also has a resentment of football because his friends like it and he doesn’t, so he feels left out, presumably.

I’m currently listening to the ebook - The Explosive Child - I’ve found some of it usual.
CBT is another, but expensive option.
I’ve just told to try play therapy.

Thank you! I don’t know why I didn’t think of looking for podcasts as I listen to them a lot. I’ll check it out!

I just realised I typed course bottle instead of coke bottle 🙈

I'm very conscious that I'm suggesting spending money again(!), but you could consider an Educational Psychologist assessment, to observe in school and carry out cognitive tests. It may just be an unfortunate peer group causing (what sounds like) low-confidence/self-esteem, but an EP assessment should help determine if he's got some difficulties with say working memory, adding to his learning fatigue.

All 4 of my DC are autistic, so my parenting experience is with ND kids. The difficulties with expressing himself and engaging may be worth exploring a bit further. It may be that he can't rather than won't, and the explosive anger is he doesn't understand why you don't understand how he feels.

My explosive DC is incredulous I can't read his mind, and I do awful things like suggest he does something I've seen him enjoy before. We have a stand-off every week about going to his cookery class, which he thoroughly enjoys when he's there.

But if your DS is agreeable to MindJam, it might be worth getting their feedback when he's had a few sessions, to see if they're observing anything that might indicate assessing for ASD etc

I would suggest speaking to the school to see if they can offer any additional support or point you in the direction of services that might be able to offer help. I would also reach out to your GP as they may also be able to do a referral to a local service.

My nearly 7 year old has anger issues which stem from a chronic medical condition he has and both the above have helped us, despite him masking at school and not showing any negative behaviour there

If school and GP can't help, see if there's anyone local to you in this list, they are specifically trained with children and anger is always something they can work with in therapy

https://childpsychotherapy.org.uk/find-child-psychotherapist-search

Thank you!

Thank you very much!

Thank you very much! Sounds like you have a lot on your hands!

The thing you said about resisting things even though you know they enjoy them when they are there really resonates.

From what I know, it is recommended that if children have massive anger outbursts after the age of 8, parents should seek support. I would talk to your GP about potential autism or ADHD assessments. Your son might be masking in school and that takes all his energy, so he explodes at home. Have you also had a look at Non-violent resistance (NVR) parenting strategies?

You mentioned that your DS has had this issue since he was 3. Have you tried taking them to a child behavioural specialist before? I think this might be your best option at this stage.

I’m not sure if this could particularly help, but instead of asking what’s going on or what the problem is, you might try to get the message across through storytelling. Tell them a story about how sharing what’s going on helped you before. Tell them that you are willing to listen and not to investigate. Some children feel hesitant to share their innermost feelings since they feel that they will get judged.

I think I'd probably try play therapy first. Psychotherapy is £££. I spent a grand, DD couldn't even engage and it was no help at all (it was virtual though - possibly in person would have gone better).

The thing with DD is, she doesn't actually know WHY she's angry (she just says we/the thing she's smashing have made her angry) so therapy of any kind is of little help.

We did find NVR counselling (for us) of some use.

Have you heard of PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance)? It's when someone cannot bring themselves to do something that is expected or asked of them. It can leave them feeling incredibly invalidated, confused, frustrated, angry etc. And the more you force, the more they feel the urge to resist.

It's common in children with autism but I believe its its own a separate condition.

Maybe researching how to support a child with PDA might help you better understand your son. You could even try searching it on mumsnet and seeing what comes up.