Worried about DD in Y7

[WorriedAboutDD11]

Have name changed for this.
DD is 11 (summer born so not 12 until July) and in Y7, so at the end of her first year at secondary. And she’s really not enjoyed/enjoying it.
She’s always been quite shy and reserved but loved her primary school and had lots of friends. We have the 11+ here, & she passed & is at a grammar school. Her 2 closest friends didn’t pass and are at 2 different comps. She’s still in touch with them & sees them from time to time. She knew a handful of children going to the grammar but for whatever reason has struggled a bit this year. She has made friends but not good friends and I know she’s finding this hard as despite being shy, she’s quite sociable if that makes sense. She’s doing very well academically but has found the extra demands of secondary (eg lots more homework & pressure to be independent) quite tough, & is also quite negative about herself (eg, will say she’s okay at a certain subject but her teacher will say she’s doing really well).
We’ve suggested she stays & tries Y8, because they mix the classes up so she may well meet some new people, but have also said if she’s still unhappy then, we can & will look at other schools and would move area if necessary. She’s very keen we don’t talk to the school in the meantime as she doesn’t want them to know she’s not happy!
Does anyone have any advice? I hate seeing her struggle. Have tried to reassure her that none of this is her fault, & she is quite open with us, so that’s a positive, but I feel she’s slowly losing what confidence she had in herself.

Why is she really not enjoying it? It doesn't really feel like you've explained. Is she struggling with the transition or is it the totally wrong environment for her? If it's wrong do you think others would be better or is it just that she needs some help transitioning to high school?

It sounds like she needs to find her tribe. Has she been going to school clubs? What does she do out of school? She's not being bullied so she does need to learn that making friends can take time and being shy might make that harder.

I'm not sure why you think her saying she's 'doing ok' is a problem. Are you looking for her to say she is top of the class? It sounds a little like you have struggled to move past how things are at primary. Have you told her it's a competitive environment? Did you prep her she wouldn't be the best? Are you struggling with that? It sounds like she's quite quickly clocked on to how to answer these questions. I'm ok is probably a very sensible answer.

I'm not sure why you've jumped too moving schools or introduced this as an idea. I suspect this might have made this into more of a drama than needed. It might be that grammar school isn't for her but there also aren't any major issues.

I'd absolutely speak to school before moving her. You can tell them she is unhappy and she doesn't want you to speak to them and they will be very used to this. It sounds like she just needs some support to settle in, I'd look at giving them the chance to do that.

Not sure how to answer some of these questions, tbh.
Why is she not enjoying it? I think it’s a combination of things. Part of it is the transition from primary to secondary. Part of it is, as you say, the fact she’s not found her tribe yet.
She’s not keen on clubs and isn’t sporty or musical which doesn’t help. She does a couple of things outside school but that doesn’t help with friendships in school.
And no, definitely not looking for her to say she’s top of the class. But she consistently underestimates her capabilities.
As to why I’ve talked about moving schools, I want her to know that there are options beyond just gritting her teeth and being unhappy.

I think then it's helpful to separate what's the transition from primary to secondary and what's school specific. If she's not sporty or musical what does she like doing? If she's not clicked with her form group school clubs might give her another pool of friends. Clubs outside of school are a good thing because if they have friends there it helps when school is tough. Girls grammar schools will always be a high pressured environment so it's up to you on if she is resilient enough to deal with it. It's very tricky but realistically it sounds like she is moving like most y7s will from' I've done brilliantly' in primary to 'I've done ok' because I've realised lots of people are just as clever, if not more so than me. It's very hard. What are your other school options? Is there any reason you can see why things are going wrong for her socially?

Thank you for replying again.
I’m not sure (& neither is DD) how much is this particular school & how much is just transitioning from primary to secondary. That’s part of the problem in a way. If we knew it was this school, we could move her. If we knew it was more about the transition, we could work with the school to help her with it.
She’s very young for her age, which isn’t helping. Most of the girls in her class are into beauty products & stuff. She still wants to play imaginary games. Everything she likes doing, apart from that, is quite individual. So she loves reading & writing & running & swimming & cycling (but won’t do the latter 3 competitively as she hates competing!). She does have friends, through running & swimming, outside of school, which is good.

Hey im in a similar situ, my 11yo daughter is 12 in oct... she was amazing in primary she went to secondary with her best friend from primary but this friends kind of opened her wings and shes " very popular " my daughters changed so much over the last 3 months... ive had her at the gp 4x in this time as shes gone very anxious and depressed. Literally crys all the time. Won't eat and doesn't want to leave her room. Im 19 weeks pregnant and its took its toll on my mental health as she confessed to the GP that she has suicidal thoughts and feels most days she doesn't want to be here. Ive never felt my heart break so hard in my whole life hearing them words come out her mouth. She had another " episode " lastnight and literally sat sobbing on my knee squeezing me so tight telling me she wants to kill herself. She feels like she doesn't have many friends and the friends she does have at school if she comes away from her " best friend " they will all turn against her. This " best friend" has really changed since starting secondary school and she told me lastnight she feels like shes always there for everyone and no ones there for her ( outside of our home ) she feels so alone and sad, she doesn't feel happy anytime... im in touch with Cahms through referral and I have to take her to a drop in clinic with healthy minds on Thursday but right now ive spoke to my partner and we've agreed with her mental state currently im going to get the GP to do her a fit note for school so shes not going in now before they break up from the 6 weeks summer holidays. Hoping to see if counselling will help in anyway over the next 8 weeks before the start of the year and if she really cant face this school situation we'll discuss changing schools or home schooling.... ive said shes to cut all contact with this friend and shes coming off social media I feel it has such a negative impact on your children these days. Its so much to go through as a parent. Im sorry I cant offer any advice as i also feel like im drowning myself in this situation, just wanted to say your not alone and im here if you want a chat anytime x

Oh bless you, and your lovely DD. I’m so sorry she’s in this situation. It’s so hard watching them struggle, isn’t it? And seeing how much/quickly they can change from happy, sociable children to anxious and depressed. It sounds to me as though you’re doing exactly the right thing to take her out of school now, to give her some space before the summer. And it says alot that your DD feels safe enough to open up to you. You’re definitely doing something right there that she trusts you like that. I really hope that counselling helps and she feels better about it all come the start of the next school year. And I’m also here if you want to chat. Xx