Public toilet phobia

[HealthAnxious3]

Hi sorry if I’m posting this in the wrong place, this section seemed to most appropriate.

For as long as I can remember my son has had a big phobia of public toilets due to a mixture of cleanliness (or lack thereof in public toilets) and privacy which seems to be the biggest issue. I do understand his worry, especially in boys toilets there is obviously less privacy, however it has gotten so bad that he will avoid eating and drinking at school entirely, which has me worried sick that he goes 6+ hours not drinking especially when it summer. I’m at a bit of a loss about what to do to help him. I also worry in the long term it’s doing damage to his kidneys, bowels and bladder. I’ve spoken to the school, and they’ve offered him the nurses’ toilet which is a single and out of the way, however my DS has said he doesn’t want special treatment and that even people knowing makes h not want to at all. He is diagnosed with ASD (high functioning). I’m at a loss and so worried for him, does anyone have any advice?

Age?

Pay for the poor child to have therapy to work this through for goodness sake.

Just turned 12

@TourangaLeila I have in the past yeah

I think it’s quite understandable. School toilets are not a great place. The school have offered a really good alternative.

If he doesn’t want special treatment then what does he want? I agree that counselling is probably a good place to start.

You have “in the past yeah” pursued therapy for your child?

I’m not sure, it’s a frustrating thing for him of being stuck between not wanting any attention given to him because of his ASD but also obviously not being able to go which will affect his health. I used to put money on his account for lunch at school but found out he never used any of it. Then we settled on packed lunches but again he would avoid eating or drinking as much as possible. Support teachers keep an eye out for him, but again he has an embarrassment about it.

Yes. We went private and tried CBT, but he didn’t like talking to non-family about it and struggles to express his feelings

Are you absolutely sure mainstream school is for him?

None of my NT children would use the school toilets. They seemed to manage fine waiting until they got home and have no damage as adults. However they used to drink during the day, which is the aspect I'd fine worrying.

But if they really needed it, they’d have gone?

and they wouldn’t go for a wee once during the day despite drinking?

Apparently not. They only drank at meal times so probably could hold it. I thought it was worrying but they said lots of kids did it because the toilets were disgusting. But they were drinking.

Goodness…. I don’t imagine they had many after school clubs! My two often stay for sports and matches and if they hadn’t gone for a wee any point from 8am until when they got back to circa 6.30, they’d be doubled over!

also… in hot weather I would be worried about only having a drink at lunchtime

If the toilets are bad, you need to complain

See besides his phobia, he fits in really well at school and has a small close group of friends. He doesn’t struggle with the academic side of things, or the social. He does have autism, but it’s not severe. It’s mainly just the toileting issue and trying to find how I can get him to drink and eat something so he’s not going thirsty and starving. He is quite skinny as is.

I'm 61 and feel exactly the same and always have done. I have always held it in until I get home. I remember as a child, I very very rarely went to the school toilets or public toilets. I definitely have a bit of a phobia,
I have never had bladder or kidney problems though, infact I have really good bladder control I can still hold it in for a really long time.
I don't think it's going to do him any harm.

Most male toilets are disgusting, not just in schools. When they told my husband he said he completely understood.

I struggle to go 3 hours without having a wee especially in the summer when I’m drinking more. I pay attention to the mornings and he doesn’t even go the bathroom before leaving sometimes, I don’t know how he does it. I have had a look into the phobia called paruresis (but he also couldn’t poo in public). And solutions range from CBT to exposure therapy. We have tried CBT, maybe it’s just finding the best match therapist-wise. I prefer being private tan going down the NHS route because of the wait list. I’m a single parent and don’t have tons if money

Not drinking
Not eating
Not toileting

OP this is quite critical and I think you need to pursue therapy again. He’s 12, you can tell him that it’s a non negotiable otherwise you’ll be reconsidering whether it is safe for him to attend school. That should galvanise him to agree to therapy!

My grandchildren tell me that they don't go to the toilets in school either and wait til they get home, but they do have drinks and food too. they just have good bladders.

I have a public toilet phobia, I always have, I just avoid them.

I agree, I am trying to be a bit tougher and more active with helping him overcome, otherwise he’ll just spend more time suffering

I never used the toilet in my 5yrs at secondary school. They were disgusting. I'm in my 30s and I'm okay. I ate and drank as normal though, but this was before the trend of everyone carrying a water bottle so it was just a can of juice at lunch. I can see why this worries you op, but he'll be okay. Assure him if he really needs to go he can use the nurses room anytime.