11 year old son hates his life

[Rollergirl79]

What do you do when your 11 year old child expresses that he doesn't like his life?
We are a family of 5, husband and I have been together 20 years, all three children are his. We have a stable family life, not loads of money but enough to get by with a few small treats here and there.
DS has recently been given a phone in prep for him moving up to secondary school in September. I went to send him a funny picture on WhatsApp today and saw that his status said "I don't like my life". Honestly I just burst in to tears and it knocked me for six. He whinges here and there about not being allowed to do certain things that his other friends get to do but overall I would say he's a very lucky little boy with a family who love and care for him. Obviously I'm gutted that he feels this way and I know its probably just the usual pre teen thing of him feeling hard done by but how do I move forward from this? Part of me is also mortified that his friends will also have seen his status and then the parents at school will know how he feels.

Any issues at school? What sort of things is he not allowed to do that friends are? Any external signs of low mood or anxiety? What are his home and social relationships like? His self esteem?
Its hard for parents when a child expresses things like this as you start to second guess everything you do.

Everything at school is good, he enjoys learning and he has a nice friendship group. He seems popular and well liked by his peers and teachers so there doesn't seem to be any issues there. His friends are however allowed a bit more freedom than he is and often go to the park alone after school/at weekends. This isn't something we are comfortable with as the park is not nearby and if I'm honest I'm just over anxious about him getting abducted or knocked over by a car. I know this is a me issue but I just can't get myself to be comfortable with it and he looks young for his age which unfortunately doesn't help his case. I'm just gutted that he feels this way, I've tried so hard to be a good mum and to feel I'm not meeting his needs is horrible.

I'm just over anxious about him getting abducted or knocked over by a car. I know this is a me issue but I just can't get myself to be comfortable with it and he looks young for his age which unfortunately doesn't help his case.

But when he goes to secondary in September, he'll presumably be travelling to and fro on his own. You will have to let go then. And he'll be wanting to do things with his friends after school and at weekends. This summer would seem to be a good time to start building up to that. Can he catch a bus independently to go to different destinations, for example?

As to saying he doesn't like his life, is that any more than pre-teen existential angst? Are teenagers actually supposed to like their lives? What do his friends have for their statuses?

Sorry to hear this. I recommend reading the book The Anxious Generation which explains the mental health crisis in youth today. The book recommends children be allowed out alone from approx age 8, like they always used to, and that outdoor unsupervised play with peers in the local neighbourhood is absolutely vital for their development, confidence and happiness. He addresses your fears so I think you would really benefit from reading it. There is also a lot of information about screen and mobile phone use, which again would be helpful to you.

I'm sorry OP, I can understand seeing that was really tough.

Hopefully he just did it in a moment without overthinking it.

The main thing I would encourage for young people today is not having too much time privately on the Internet. So if he is on his phone or playing x box etc online he is ideally downstairs with the family but if not at least with his door open. Pop in now and then and see what he is doing. Make sure he knows you will check his phone/WhatsApps regularly.

We still look at my son's phone every now and then and he's 15. Over the years we have asked him to leave WhatsApp chats if they are toxic, messaged other parents to give them the heads up about what is happening online (so we can be on the same page) and let him use us as his out "my mum has checked my phone and said she will talk to the school if ....." Online can be tricky and I think kids need to know parents will step in if they need to.

My son loved hanging around the park at times. I shared the same worries as you but he sometimes went. Could you drop your son off and pick him up after an hour or two. I felt the more time my son spent hanging around the more likely they were to go wandering/get into trouble so I didn't encourage it. We got through by keeping him busy mostly. Scouts/sports/music. I appreciate there can be a cost to these but if he has things on he isn't able to dwell on going to the park.

Can he invite some mates over for tea and a movie /play computer or similar to give him something to enjoy with his mates?

Thank you so much for all the kind replies. In regards to giving him more freedom I suppose I've just been holding out for as long as I can really because of course come September he'll be having a lot more independence and responsibility as he will be having to navigate his way to and from school.
I worry so much about my children's mental health and to see that status really hit me hard because if he feels like that now then I worry about the future.

My child says they hate their life often

In response to some little thing I've not let her have her way on

Same age as yours

Is this really something to be getting in a state about? Or is it something like I've just said?

Hi OP, I have teen sons and honestly I think you may be reading too much into this. It sounds to me like a bit of pre teen angst rather than anything really serious. Maybe he was trying to be funny?

I do agree with @HonoriaBulstrode about giving him a bit more freedom. 11yo is a good age to start letting him go to the park with his friends.

Talk to him there is a lot about you in this threads and you anxiety but not an awful lot about him other than it all seems ok.

the year 6 to 7 transition is tough - year 6 is spent doing SATs and then that is over and you move on

is he worried about that, does he want and need more freedom (and your anxiety is not a reason not to give him sensible incremental freedoms to build up to being an adult)

this next stage of parenting isn’t about you it’s about him and getting him through it

I have a 12yo and this is something he might say to try and sound cool. Might be a silly catchphrase, nothing more sinister than that. But I'd definitely talk to him to make sure. But be lighthearted about it to start off with. I'd relax a bit about letting him go to the park alone, but hold off on all social media if you can.

My daughter has same with her 11 yr old son when he comes home from his dads he turns on her, says her house is embarrassing, that he can’t even have his friends over, rubs into her rave how much ‘’fun’ he has at his dads (even though just a few weeks ago he hadn’t been there for over a month cos he hated it there!) the step mum is narcissistic and he usually hates her cos she’s so nasty, but the last week she’s had him on her own and has been baking and doing an overload of fun stuff, so he comes home and raves about it, calls my daughter boring. He comes home so angry my daughter is worried he will injure his little sister. She rang me crying cos he wants to stay permanently with his dad now and she is really upset because she actually thinks it’s the best thing at the moment to keep his sister safe and to save my daughter from being so bullied by him. How can we prevent the step mum from alienating him from his mum? As that’s what seems to be happening

Can you ask him “why?”, or try to explore it with him, in a supportive way. I would try to explore it and try empathise or atleast help him understand what he is saying is important. It could be he is trying to communicate something else. Is it only after a particular time of day?