From a behavioural perspective can anyone relate to any of these things who have children with autism/ adhd or anything else that I might not be aware of.
Four children, other 3 completely fine and act accordingly for their age groups (12, 10 & 6) Child in question seems to be emotionally immature for her age, more what you’d expect from a child half her age. We see tantrums every day for most of the week, every week. Probably 5 out of 7 days or close to that if not more. Here are some situations which can get completely out of control, I’m talking screaming the house down, crying, slamming doors, jumping onto her bed and breaking it.
So for context, she’s absolutely great in school. No issues there, you wouldn’t actually believe it’s the same child. She has one best friend but her siblings have reported that she does play with others if she isn’t there so that is reassuring. If me or her dad do the school run she won’t speak to her peers around us, she is very quiet and reserved, however if her little sister, 3 years apart, is drawing any attention to them i.e. she is just playing with others kids so shouting/ generally being loud, the 8 year old is extremely embarrassed and asks either me or her dad for her to stop. This is the most you would get out of her at school. Bring this into a home setting and it’s a complete Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde scenario.
So at home the most ridiculous things set her off -
• Sister wants to the same snack as her this warrants complete meltdown
• Sister even looks at something that belongs to her - complete meltdown
• She thinks sister is staring at her (obviously she is looking at her too to know this and she isn’t necessarily even looking at her for an extended period of time) - meltdown
• If another child gets to do something she doesn’t (ie older child has just gone out to deliver some leaflets with dad because he will actually do it - 8 year old would just follow him around making it unproductive) - meltdown
• Dad leaves the house to go to shop - meltdown
• Bedtime routine is girls go for a wee and brush their teeth, if younger one does it first - meltdown
• If younger one is awake first in the mornings - meltdown
• Youngest got new drinks bottle for school from her nan because hers broke - meltdown (a few weeks after this she deliberately left it at school for a few days as to pretend she had lost it, but in this time she had all new school uniform which she was happy with and no one else got - no one else cared).
• If she thinks dad is angry for any reason she will ask him over and over again if he’s angry this could literally be 10-15 times in a row - dad rarely raises his voices and is very hands on with the kids and will always play with all of them, but 8 year old is always hanging around like she is starved of attention even though she gets more because she makes it that way, she follows him around like a lost dog. Even 6 year old doesn’t do this and hasn’t done this for as long as I’ve been in their lives (aged 3).
She always thinks the other kids get treated better, even though they all get treated the same and if anything 8 year old gets more attention good or bad because of behaviour. A few days ago she literally had to try and measure youngest’s milkshake against hers because it was in a different shaped glass and she thought she had more than her and therefore it wasn’t fair 🤦🏻♀️ she is very much obsessed with the 6 year old and often if dad is playing with both she will find a way to “fake” hurt herself to get more attention from dad and take it away from 6 year old. She can play nicely with 10 & 6 year old but the second 10 year old decides he has had enough she will say that her time has been wasted and that she could of done something else instead (even though she was enjoying herself at the time and they could of been playing for well over an hour).
Whilst having said meltdowns she will also say things like, she hates me and her dad. She doesn’t want to be here or she doesn’t want to live here. That she hates her life etc. But when she’s calmed down it’s like she can’t even remember saying it, she will often say she doesn’t want to go to her mums and if we ever say she can go live there instead that also causes a meltdown.
Without going into too much detail dad has kids full time and has done for years, they see mum every other weekend but I couldn’t tell you what the relationship is like and that’s if they don’t end up staying elsewhere anyway so it’s not stable from that side. I’m step mum and been around for 2.5 years, have great relationship with all the kids but we’re really struggling to know what’s best to do here. Dad had some sessions with mental health team who came into school and gave 8 year old a few coping mechanisms but when she’s in the midst of a meltdown she isn’t even listening to what you say, you can’t calm her down, she will rarely stay in her room and she’ll just follow dad around relentlessly asking why he’s angry. We have tried ignoring her, getting her to go to her room and calm down, trying to speak to her, nothing works. Given her age I feel like this isn’t normal anymore and any advice would really help. We’re putting in a referral to her GP next week but it’s difficult to really know what to ask for at this point. Some behaviours look like autism whilst others look like ADHD but I really don’t know enough about either. When 8 year old is good she is the sweetest thing but it doesn’t take much for her to fly off the handles.