School refusal age 10

[Disney101101]

Hello, I am hoping to get some advice, I’m at my wits end and really don’t no what to do. My daughter is 10 and in year 5, she has always loved school and never been an issue getting her in, since year 5 it has been a struggle but now she will not go atall, I have tried all things I can, to start with I would punish her with no internet or tv if she didn’t go so some days I would get her in for a couple of hours then it started to not work, she has written notes about wanting to die rather than go back to school and has become really withdrawn and stopped wanting to do any of her normal things she enjoys, I’ve stopped with punishments now as it’s clearly more than just a stroppy child, the school have reffered her for adhd/asd now but I’m just at a loss on what to do, the school have said it’s important she goes in every day if not I will be in trouble but her mental health is really declining and she’s so distressed every morning and every night thinking about the next morning, has anyone else been there with a child so young and if so what did you do? I just want my happy girl back again 😢

Theres obviously more going on than potentially adhd/asd if she’s suddenly gone from loving school to hating it and wanting to die.
Why does she say she doesn’t want to go? Does she have friends? Has anything happened at home?

She can’t give a propper reason, she just says she’s hates everything about school, she has got dyslexia so work has been really hard this year but apart from that nothing else has changed, her friends are lovely and really missing her, she speaks to them every day on the phone, nothing at home has changed, this is why we are all so puzzled to why she has gone like this. The school have tried speaking to her but the only answer she gives is she hates everything about school but won’t go into it on why, her school have been amazing trying to support her but now we’re at a stand still and don’t no how to go further

https://m.facebook.com/NotFineInSchoolPublicPage/

Take a look at Not Fine in School and perhaps join their closed support group for families.

OP sounds like something more going on here than potential adhd. Have you checked social media? Is be worried about what she is watching. A 9/10 year old shouldn’t be talking about dying. Take a look.

If this has started in year 5 I’d say it’s likely that it’s all the pressure. I’m a primary school teacher and can tell you that the pressure and the level of work really ramps up in year 5. It’s when talk of SATs starts and they start to drill them. Have you asked her about this? Is the school very academic by any chance?

I second the suggestion for the Not Fine In School website/social media. Dr Naomi Fishee talks about school refusal with such insight. I recommend you look at her work.

Talk to your school immediately about them assessing your Daughter for EBSA (Emotionally Based School Avoidance). The school should then liaise with staff from the Local Authority most notably Educational Psychologists to assist your Daughter going back to school.

They will likely ask her to evidence her struggles by pointing to a map of the school and her timetable highlighting the things and areas that give her anxiety. The likelihood is that they will put her on a reduced timetable to build your Daughter back up gradually.

This is a huge epidemic and you and your Daughter are not alone.

Agree with PP that finding the reason behind this will be the key to helping her. My daughter also started refusing school in year 5 and it got really bad in year 7. It’s taken me a long time to really get to the bottom of it (and I’m still not sure I fully understand). It seems to be a mixture of sensory issues, i.e. the noise, being touched or jostled by other people, a fear of crowds, anxiety about demands on her (a sort of low level PDA) and some rejection sensitivity around “making mistakes”. Obviously she couldn’t articulate any of that age 9. It may be a long road ahead so join every support group you can along the way (I hate FB in general but the support groups there have been great). We also asked the GP for help and although they couldn’t do much themselves they did refer to the Child and Young People’s Mental Health service who put us on a course about children and anxiety which also helped. As did talking to the other course parents about how autism and anxiety interlink.

Thank you all so much for your reply’s, so sorry I haven’t replied to anyone it’s been a crazy past few weeks and haven’t had a chance to check on here, I will look into all of the places people have suggested. She seems to have got worse this week, she keeps writing notes and saying she wants to die, she won’t go out anywhere without major panic attacks, even today she had planned all week to go to her best friends and just as we were about to leave she freaked out ran in her room and says she just wants to die. It’s heart breaking to see and I don’t no what to do. I thought it was just school but now it’s everywhere she won’t go. Her best friend is not in her school and she has known her whole life they do everything together including holidays so seeing her is usually her favirote thing and now even that has stopped. Nothing at home has changed recently, she has no social media no access to internet safari on her phone, she has kids YouTube only and kids Netflix and Disney plus so I no she’s not seen anything anywhere or spoken to anyone. I just feel at a loss, it’s as if she is having a mental breakdown but at 10 how is that even a thing. I’ve spoken to cahms and all they said was to speak to a few differnt organisations and see if they can help and they think I should consider home schooling! But to me that’s basically giving up and letting her stay at home 24/7 which doesn’t seem right to me. I will be calling them Monday and let them no it’s getting worse and it’s now taking its toll on her entire life. I feel so broken today and I’m now so scared with all the threats of killing herself 😢 she won’t talk to anyone, even the teachers at school she keeps her head down and won’t look at them when they ask her how she feels or why she won’t go to school but when they distract her and play a game or activity she seems happy again. Sorry for such a long message I’m just in a bit of a state at the moment and feel completely stuck.

I’m so sorry. Kids YouTube can still bring up things that no child should see or hear. I would consider she has seen something that is staying with her and is causing this, for it to be such a sudden change there has to be a trigger somewhere. Go onto her devices and look at the search history as far back as it allows. Disney Plus has lots of adult programmes on there, as does Netflix. I would assume she has seen something. If you take away her devices what does she do/how does she react? Children’s channels etc are not safe, not unless an adult is there watching everything or vetting it individually first. There is no way she is talking about wanting to die without an outside influence somewhere, you need to find out where that has come from. I hope you get to the bottom of it quickly!

As another has said about their DC, a referral by GP to mental health services is an important part of this. Even if this isn't a purely MH issue, they often have more weight with schools

Ring in each day and say she is unable to attend due to anxiety and mental health issues. Don't use the word 'refusal'. Email class teacher - ask if they have noticed anything, write down your concerns to them. Contact school senco and ask for meeting - send copies of your daughter's notes that she has written as evidence. Follow up all conversations with an email. Stress that your 10 year old has been saying she wants to die. Contact GP and see if they can refer to CAMHs. School should be able to refer also to Early Help Hub. Also check the school policy's and find out what they should be doing in terms of help.

We are about 2 years down the line from your starting point. My daughter broke down in year 5 and has not been able to attend at all this year. We have had delays, gas lighting and general not believing us from school. Triggers for our daughter have been puberty and her best friend left the school. She is waiting for an autism assessment and we believe she had been holding everything in for some time. Mine is a flight risk as well, she has already absconded from school and ran away from home in the middle of the night.

It is very stressful. Keep posting for help and look at the Facebook group recommended. Don't let anyone try to blame you or your daughter. Hugs xx

Hi OP I know this is an old thread but we’re exactly where your daughter was - year 5, not even 10, says she wants to die.
compounded by emetaphobia she has not been in school this month.

i pray things are easier for you both now and there’s some light at the end of the tunnel.

My DC was older when she stopped being able to attend school regularly, maybe because she was in year 5 in COVID, a few years later she is now home educated because I felt there was no other choice. This is such a difficult and stressful situation, like others I recommend Not Fine In School on Facebook and Dr Naomi Fisher’s webinars.
I also wanted to comment to moanafan that I absolutely wanted to die at the same age though I might not have voiced it and it wasn’t school related, but obviously had no social media/ YouTube/ internet access in the early 90s, so it is possible for OP’s DD to feel so distressed without having seen something upsetting online.