Could you share your experience of anxiety in a 6/7 year old please?

[Butterpaneer]

Hi all, I just wondered whether anyone could explain to me how/what helped your child with anxiety?

D's is 6.5 and he's a gorgeous, loving and very clever boy. He's always struggled with emotional regulation (I think emotional intelligence has taken a back seat whilst his academic has excelled) and outbursts if he's upset - school find his behaviour more challenging than we do at home however. He is an only child who has a big loving family and who has not experienced any traumatic events or anything like arguments, violence etc.

This term has been really good at school and we're really proud of him - behaviour in terms of dysregulated behaviour have massively decreased and he is doing well. We (dh and I) meet regularly with school and we are happy with the support (Elsa, sensory circuits, pupil profile, provision of agreed clamdown areas etc) - they've also referred to camhs (awaiting camhs to do a classroom observation, they felt it may be anxiety, but also that dh and I already do all that they would recommend to support which is lovely to hear but not super useful), and CDC (super long wait, not actually convinced but happy to explore a ND route, if anything I think we would be looking at an ADHD picture rather than ASD and he won't meet EHCP criteria).

Prior to Christmas, and again in the last week or so, he has made comments about hating himself, just throw him in the bin as he is the worst, he just wants to be a good person, that we should give him away, sometimes coupled with a few hits to his own head with his hands, as a reaction to being reasonably told off/pulled up on behaviours.

Part of me thinks it's an automatic defense.to feeling criticised and that by doing so, people respond in a more positive way do he avoids the "trouble", but I also don't want to assume it's this when it's really a self esteem issue.

Dh and I both have anxiety and depression, though it's well managed and as I say, we try to parent in an emotionally aware way. The thought of my little boy feeling at all like I have when at my most anxious (more anxiety for me than depression) makes me so sad, it's such a burden for a little brain.

I suppose I just want to gauge what made a difference for your child with anxiety and what else I can do? We are looking to pay for someone to go into school to do some work on feelings, containment and emotional regulation. We will obviously continue to work with school and health on any suggestions. D's could not be more praised and built up by the whole family - he is adored. I am open with my feelings in an age appropriate way, as is dh. I've tried affirmations etc but D's doesn't particularly buy into them. We do do mindfulness etc sometimes. We don't blame him but do state when we are unhappy with a behaviour, we are clear that we always love him no matter what, and if we get it wrong, we say sorry. I'm just not sure what else I can do to help him.

Have you tried a worry monster?
One suggestion for negative automatic thoughts NATS is to write them on a post it note and swat them with a fly swatter! ( a suggestion from CAMHS)
The toys you can buy linked to Inside Out are good for work on feelings. You can get books too.

Surrounding him with reminders of happy times or things he’s really good at might help e.g. photo pockets to hang up in his room with happy family photos, favourite activities or characters.
There will be lots of books and stories about self esteem or positivity. School or the library will have suggestions.

The Five Point Scale is good for recognising and learning about emotional regulation.
If he is ND and very able it is quite typical to have high expectations for himself. He will no doubt dislike making mistakes or net getting full marks in a test etc ( no one size fits all of course)

A bed with a tent area underneath with a beanbag, lights favourite calming music and cuddlies might help as a safe/ calm space. A slanket, sleeping bag or weighted blanket might help.

Meant to add a link
There are a few in this series

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Youre-Star-Childs-Guide-Self-Esteem/dp/1786852357/ref=asc_df_1786852357?mcid=a4a4aaeb72aa3965a27c797bbb5eeaa7&th=1&psc=1&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697270414247&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=10999685223520070448&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9195089&hvtargid=pla-563680051431&psc=1&gad_source=1

Thanks @24Dogcuddlerill have a look.

I've spoken to camhs today and it turns out they have done an observation and for some reason I wasn't updated - they are going to do another too.

Generally the observation mentions being fidgety, some sensory seeking/impulsive actions and a couple of social bits but nothing huge so I guess we will see what the next one brings... I've also got a review with his teacher coming up to see how he's progressing. He was his normal happy self this morning, it's so changeable

I forgot to mention, he has a reading corner in his room with a foam mat, pillows and such that's a nice safe space, and we have pictures up all over the place too (of him but also drawn by him) - he's very celebrated in the house!

My son would do and say things like this. He is ND. I don't know why it took so long for me to see it. But I didn't. He was assessed at age 10 when it was pretty apparent at that point.

I would like to suggest you really do push for an Autism assessment. It would be the NICE approved ADOS2 it's called.

You have an only child which can make it harder for you to see it. CAHMS I fear are often not doing what they should with this and will push back,fob off, and try get you off their books.

An observation is in no way whatsoever sufficient. Masking is also a thing. ADHD and autism very often come together.

Just knowing, well that in itself can change alot. You can understand why, your child can, they can read up on it, they can understand themselves better and in itself manage anxiety in that knowledge.

It doesn't matter if they are not EHCP worthy. Things can change very fast. The secondary school situation is a big shock for us and now EHCP isn't so alien for an academic child also.

@Wishyouwerehere50 thank you, we will absolutely accept any ADHD or ASD assessment - the referral to paediatrician is already done but it's a 3 year wait here currently which is part of the reason we've agreed now - so that if there is anything, we should have been seen or will soon be seen by the time ds starts middle school

How is your son doing now may I ask?

@Butterpaneer the waiting situation is tough. The NHS declined my request so I had to pay in the end. He was diagnosed Autistic and ADHD.

Now he knows, that itself is massive. Before, I was confused by things, we even had ' I want to die' a few times during lockdowns and it made no sense to me. Now it does, and we don't have anything like that anymore. I feel my stress and confusion about him was clearly felt by him and impacted how he was.

Now, he's pretty strong willed, confident and secure in knowing himself and why things might be as they are. He's also gravitated to others like him, that is huge. There are plenty hiding in plain sight like this in mainstream.

Having the diagnosis reports have been essential for secondary school. That has been the hardest part; the adjustment and school just expecting him to be the same as everyone else. It's a great transition for kids who learn differently.

It doesn't take too much from school to make life easier and support kids like this. The diagnosis reports have been invaluable to me in saying; here you go, please support and let us know how you will do that. And they listen when you do this.

So because of this, I'd say things, today, they're pretty ok.

My son is more towards what you call PDA which is a severe need for control and autonomy. That involves lots of arguing back. That's the struggle for me not him so much. 😆💐

DSD was diagnosed with anxiety at 6 and my DS was diagnosed with ADHD at 5. Purely based on our experience and what you’ve said here I would probably say his issues sound more like ND than anxiety.
What specific worries does he have?

@Wishyouwerehere50im sorry you had to fight so hard, what a lucky boy to have you fighting his corner!

@thatsfunnybecausehe doesn't like being alone anywhere in the house except his room or the kitchen (if he's playing or drawing)- he panics if he can't see you and wouldn't go upstairs by himself. He also doesn't like going to the toilet alone but we have managed to be in sight rather than in the room now.

He's fine going to bed by himself but does settle to sleep much faster if one of us is in the room

He has recently become very frightened of dogs after a friend's puppy jumped up at him (playfully)

Occasionally he will be panicked if he doesn't feel he can get out of somewhere (ie in the car or tangled in a cover

He can be very clingy with specific friends.

Otherwise it's the self esteem comments

Despite what I've said, we actually have very few issues at home - behaviour like they've seen at school is very rarely an issue, he does a hobby activity once a week where he has gone from needing me there and ear defenders to no defenders and happy to go by himself and participate for the house or so it lasts. He shows empathy, kindness, humour (he's a sarcastic little terror) and concentration. He met all his milestones on time, never had any issues with eating,.toileting or sleep. He's generally an excellent egg