11 year old having screaming fit over change

[SilverDoublet]

My 11 year old boy has not been good with change for the past few years. His life in general has been very stable, with me as a stay at home parent. He is the eldest of 4.

Tonight I told him we were getting our driveway done and they will start tomorrow. It's currently a scraggly lawn with stepping stones through it and a bit of tarmac that's falling apart for the car. I was at my wits' end with all the dirt and muck being dragged into the house every day so booked in to get a new gravel driveway done. All the grass and plants bar the hedges at the edge will be taken away and we will get space for 2 cars instead of 1. When I mentioned it to the kids, the younger 3 were fine but 11 year old went crazy, screaming, crying, said he loves the grass and will want to die if it's taken away. He literally never mentioned it ever before and spends zero time out there. The screaming went on for over an hour, culminating in him screaming while lying outside in the dark on this patch of mucky grass.

He says he hates change, and thinks our house should never change. He listed all the 'awful' changes we've made to the house, getting the house painted inside, getting carpet upstairs, moving bedrooms. Neighbour got a large tree removed last week too.

Is this normal? What should I do, just do nothing ever to our house? Could he be autistic? Nothing has ever been mentioned from school, he's an excellent student and has friends.

No it's not normal and of course you have to do things to the house
How is he with changes to routine? Does he mind having to throw away clothes that don't fit or toys he doesn't okay with anymore?

You know this is not normal.
What happens when changes happen in other ways or other places?
At school?
When routines have to change etc?

It's not normal no but I'd be tempted to just let him scream himself out to be honest.

Moving fowards, tell him how things are gonna be and if he screams just let him scream it out. He'll exhaust himself eventually.

Being 'slow approach' is hard-wired and very consistent over someone's life. It is often comorbid with ASD but not always.

Are there any other concerns which point to ASD? Anything you've noticed.

My DS did things like this. We didn’t realise he had ADHD. Now we know he does all those behaviours make sense.

sobbing because we were buying a new computer and he would miss the old one including floods of tears in the shop

meltdown over a bush being removed from the garden and wanting time to say goodbye to it

thay sort of thing

Difficulty in dealing with transitions is a very common trait in neurodiversity.
As you say, your son has evidenced this behaviour "for the past few years"

It really is time you asked for an assessment for him. Loads of information here, please research as much as you can, he needs help and support.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs_chat

My daughter is on the waitlist for an autism assessment but cahms put me on a parent group for autistic children who struggle with change and it was pretty surreal to be surrounded by people experiencing exactly what our life is like.

my child melts down when she gets new shoes (she’s on her 3rd pair of the same exact trainers), when we got new carpet, she took a series of photos of her broken backpack last night before we could throw it away…. It’s constant. It is however just one thing on a very long list of challenges she has so it’s worth considering if this is part of a pattern

Of course he could be autistic. Most schools don't care how a child is if they're behaving in school.

I'm wondering if it might just be that hormones are kicking in, he is 11 and half. I've noticed he has had one or two little spots on his face. He can be quite explosive lately with his younger siblings. Might it be that rather than being on the spectrum?

How do you get them put on an assessment list? Its hard to know if he has much of a problem with change as everything has been much the same here for the last 7 year as I've been at home with them. But now my youngest has started school and I'm going back to work, we are getting a childminder, we will be deciding on secondary schools in September and also looking at a house move. So maybe it's too much change too quickly for him.

OP…you know this is not normal behaviour - and your average NT 11 year old wouldn’t scream for hours about upgrades to a broken, unusable driveway! You said in your initial post that he’s been like this for years…so not hormones (which would have to be really extreme anyway to provoke these kinds of outbursts!)

I teach 11 year olds and fully understand what hormones can do, I have 34 of them all day long! I’ve never witnessed any of them screaming for hours at a time over something so simple. I highly suspect a neurodivergence is at play here.

This sounds very familiar…my daughter is autistic. I agree you should get him assessed.

We went to the GP and they sent us to CAHMS. had a pre assessment meeting and was sent on for a full assessment - waiting a year now but have put some accommodations in place at school and I went to a support group I was referred to for a couple of months.

I know you said you teach 11 year olds and they wouldn't react like that. The thing is, he would never react like that in school. At school he is a star pupil, academically excellent and has got glowing reports at every parent teacher meeting for his manners and engagement with the class since he was 5. He's literally only like this with me, not even with his dad... So does this still point to neuro divergence?

Look up ‘masking’ and see if it sounds familiar. My daughter has never ever ever been difficult for anyone else. She can’t actually be difficult anywhere where she isn’t 100% comfortable. So just at home.

I agree with this. Most 11 years would have zero interest or curiosity about boring household stuff, far much more interested in what the latest fab is/what their friends are doing etc etc.

It sounds like they are highly anxious and this could be because they are ND.

And yes, Google ‘masking’ he’s coming up to the age where it can really fall apart for masking ND children.