Family court uk has destroyed me and my son. Anyone got a positive story on life got better?

[TTCbabyno2in2022]

I lost my child 50% of the time to a man who wasn’t involved for 6.5 years then found out I was pregnant and happy so he applied to court. He dosent care about DS, only did it to hurt me (he said that). DS is suffering terribly and with this narcissistic father of his there is nothing I can do to change it.

family court has caused so much destruction and pain in my family. I honestly feel like I can’t go on and that I have given up on life at times. How can I be happy watching my child be forced somewhere he hates and then not allowed to contact me for days on end? And he dosent understand why he has to go and why I make him.

I don’t know how to parent alongside this person and after how far he took it in court I don’t want to. It’s impossible. This isn’t how I wanted our sons childhood to be, I can see the damage happening. He’s missing out on everything he did/had before.

anyone been through or felt similar? Did it get better for you and your child? Even any supportive words.

I don’t have any words of advice but I’m so sorry this is happening. You can hear the pain in your words and you sound like an incredible mum. I hope you get your DS back. Is there any proof you can gather around what your ex does that you don’t like that could help with getting your DS back?

I don't have any words of advice either, but am sending hugs. (I just mistyped that as "sending jugs," which would be much less helpful!)

Since your ex doesn't even want to parent your child, I highly suspect that what will end up happening is that he will gradually opt out, and your son will spend more and more time with you. If this starts happening, make sure you get in writing all the times your ex opts out of his allotted parenting time, so that he can't ever tell the court that you're denying access. Maybe do it all over email, and confirm by writing things like, "OK, just to be clear, you're not having him this Friday, because X? If anything changes, let me know and I'll bring him right over." And then print out and save the correspondence for each week, as well as keeping it in your email account. That way, you've covered yourself.

Don' worry. Deadbeat will soon get tired of his new responsibilities. Sounds like he didn't really think this one through.

And I guess you'll just have to present it positively to your son. A chance to get to know Daddy! (🤢)

Also, I would question your son carefully after each visit, to make sure Deadbeat is treating him OK.

I agree with PP. Try and get evidence against his father of what they did, how he was treated and when he did or did not have him.
You might consider taking your DS for counselling. If he discloses safeguarding issues to them the then they will have to be reported and acted upon by the courts.
Do not bad mouth your ex partner to your son as the courts look at this as you trying to alienate him.
look after your child when he is with you and shower him with love as I am sure you are doing. Also look after yourself. Things will get better with time just stay connected and do not give up or you will look like an unfit parent. Don’t give your ex any ammunition.
Virtual handhold and big hug to you and your DS. Good luck

I’m so sorry. It sounds like a dreadful situation which is awful for you and your child. How old is your son? There will come a point when his opinion will count for something in court and a point when he can have his own phone to call you on and vice versa. In the meantime can you speak to school about getting him emotional and psychological support? It sounds as if he may need an outside person to speak to and that could also be useful in any future court proceedings. Keep a diary of contact - how your son reacts to it, number of days where he can’t speak you etc.But agree with poster above, don’t badmouth his horrible father for risk of being accused of alienating him.Though I understand it must be horrific to think he believes you are making him go of your own free will. Just shower him with love and tell him that you love him. I wonder if any of the charities like Women’s Aid have advice on how to handle explaining contact to children in these circumstances? Keep going. This won’t last forever and your little boy needs you. Make sure you have support for yourself. Counselling might help. Do you have a partner? Are they supportive? I hope so.

Absolute heartbreaking. All you can do it make his time with you so loving, consistent and boundaried that he always has a safe place where he feels secure.

Look up parallel parenting. You can’t co-parent with a narcissist. I’d caution against trying to prove any of the crap he’s doing (unless it’s dangerous, of course). If he really is a narcissist, he’ll be very good at persuading others that it’s him who’s the victim.

I’d also be gently honest with your son. Tell him the Court has said that he has to spend time at his dad’s and get to know him. Don’t ever let him get the impression you don’t want him all the time (because your ex might try that).

Much as you’re hurting inside, give absolutely no sign of this to your narcissist as it will make things worse. Be breezy, judge whether you can subtly mention more things or work you’re doing now.

How on earth does a man who has had no contact for 6.5 years get 50% custody?

I read that as he didn't know about the child for 6.5 years and when he found out he was a father he was pleased and wanted to involved, may be wrong, This is a tough situation to be in,

I was just thinking thar. It’s ridiculous. Can you go back to court and tell them it’s having a detrimental effect on your son, as he is living with a virtual stranger?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Its heartbreaking what the family courts put children through, often ignoring the voice and best interests of the child. Reach out to your local domestic abuse service for support for your son and speak to the school to see if they have any support the can offer. Encourage your son to speak to teaching staff at school about how he's feeling. It must be a very confusing time for him.

This is discusting I'm really sorry.

I have no advice though.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the support and advice.

He knew about our son who is now 7 but wanted me to have an abortion, cheated when I was pregnant and then didn’t want to parent him. So I left when he was a baby. I have a new partner since 2020 who I am engaged to and have a 9 month old baby. Ex applied to court after finding out I was happy basically. I was in court at 39 weeks pregnant and twice with a newborn I was breastfeeding.

unfortunately this was allowed to happen because family court is very pro father/applicant and they believed all his lies despite me having black and white evidence on emails, messages etc. Also 3 WOMEN made this decision. Baffles me. Was the worst day of my life. Family court is disgusting and not fit for purpose.

Son is having drawing therapy at school to help him and a wellbeing session. He has to be physically taken out the car and into school by the teachers kicking and screaming when he knows he’s going there after. He has opened up to school about not liking it there, not wanting to go, wanting to be at home etc.

I don’t know if I can face court again, it took over my life and I want to focus on my children and being the best mummy. Time will tell I guess and as he gets older he can make his own decisions. I’d go back if it was going to benefit DS but I have no faith in the system.

Has anyone ever explained to a 7 year old about the courts and why his whole life has changed against his wishes?

Thank you

Surely the more sensible thing for anyone would be for a child to get to know their parent gradually, through supervised contact then perhaps a day trip, then maybe a day, then a weekend, with the child. Obviously any child would be confused with a stranger and get separation anxiety from home being there half a week?

OP, is there any chance you could appeal to your ex's better nature and say that the current arrangement is causing your son distress, which isn't fair to him as he's just a small child? In other words, ask him to withdraw his insistence on 50 percent custody, and offer ex the chance to get to know him through afternoons with him etc? Say you understand he wanted to hurt you, and he has achieved that by putting you through it, especially while pregnant, but that he is also hurting a defenceless child, and ask him to reflect on that and stop?

You have nothing to lose by asking.

I just saw this on Twitter. They might be able to give you some support or signpost you.
fairparenting.co.uk/