DD, 9, suddenly struggling to sleep alone

[Ncagain41]

She's always been a good sleeper, happy to read in bed for a while before going to sleep. About two months ago this all changed, she started getting really anxious about bedtime, didn't want to be alone etc. She sleeps really well if next to someone but hates the idea of being asleep alone.

Nothing has happened to make her feel like this, no bad experiences etc. She is having slight issues at school with friends and stuff which we are working on and it's probably this that's keeping her awake at night, but we don't know how best to deal with it. I don't want to start sitting with her until she falls asleep as she will start relying on it and then we can never stop that. DH thinks I'm being mean and we should just do it. We have tried going in at regular intervals to reassure her we are still here, she's not alone etc, it seemed to be working for a while but over Christmas she seems to have gone backwards again, she's now crying three hours before bedtime saying she's already stressed at the idea of falling asleep.

Any ideas of what to do here?

Probably not a perfect solution but maybe audiobooks. If you have Spotify for example ours includes loads of Roald Dahl, Wimpy Kid, Tom Gates etc, might be a good distraction? Tricky though as my similar aged son listens and doesn't nod off! Wishing you luck!

Can you get some herbal sleep gummies? They might give her a placebo affect

I wonder if she's seen some stuff on the Internet that she shouldn't have - the sort of thing that can become a sort of dysfunctional currency in bullying or pressured friendships.

Maybe help her change tthe bedroom around? My ds saw something in a film and was frightened for ages to be facing the window

We've tried audio books before but they didn't help...she always wants to hear the end of the story!

She doesn't really have internet access - she plays Minecraft on an iPad but doesn't go on anything else. Might try the bedroom change thing anyway though, make her more excited about being in there.

To be honest, I’m with DH. You’re most unlikely to find that DD is unable to sleep alone when she’s started university! Why not let her sleep on a mattress in your room for a while until she feels ready to go back to her own room?

I am with your husband and would just co-sleep as she obviously needs some reassurance right now. I did this when my son (aged 8 at the time) needed more support through a situation. It will be a phase she will pass through.

I’d stay with her for as long as she needs you to then gradually reduce once things settle. Let her know you will always be there when she needs you and show her that how she feels is important to you, being scared and alone at night is awful, especially as a kid when your mind gets carried away worrying.

Do you really think she will want to be in with you as she goes into the teen years? Unless there’s something really complex in terms of mental health, in which case you would probably want it.

Go with what gets you all the most restful calm sleep.

I know of two people who had this happen when their children were between 9 and 10. Both sucked it up and coslept for a bit. All ok now. Maybe a switch between child and teen? All ok again now and sleeping on own rooms.

I agree with your DH. Crying for hours at bedtime will just add to this, I’d just do what gets you all a better sleep. My friend is a midwife & she said they grow out of it, no teen wants to sleep with mum & dad. It’s certainly a phase & if you support her through it, it will be over sooner imo.

Was she ill at all before this happened?

Just so you can rule out PANDAS.

My DD went through a similar sudden bad sleep patch aged 9. After about 6 months she finally mentioned that she was terrified of Harry Potter... so we had a swift change of bedtime stories...🙄

' I don't want to start sitting with her until she falls asleep as she will start relying on it and then we can never stop that. '

I don't think this is true although it may feel like it. Let her co-sleep, it's win-win as you both get sleep and it will just be to get her through this phase.

Thank you everyone, I appreciate the responses. I don't mean we will "never" be able to stop sitting with her when she goes to sleep, like when she's a teenager etc, but even if it's for a few years until then it feels like a long time - we're past the newborn stage, we have our evenings back, yet it feels a bit like going back to that!
I guess it probably will be one of those phases which has come on suddenly and will (hopefully) also disappear suddenly, at some point....maybe I do just need to suck it up until then. I certainly don't want her to think we don't care about how she feels.

I am in this exact situation!! We've tried magnesium gummies, Alexa stories, a sleep meditation on Alexa, letting her read for ages (she just stays up until 11!!), early nights, yoga...

She also now exclusively falls asleep in our bed and we move her when we come to bed.

She is also worried about friend stuff and just generally feels things very deeply and also is starting to say she's scared of going to sleep / scared of not being able to sleep!

Its so frustrating - totally agree that DH and I were really enjoying our evenings, watching movies / box sets etc but now this has been shelved as we're either up and down / she's constantly coming into the living room or we're upstairs waiting for her to fall asleep.

I think we will resolve to get an earlier "upstairs" time so that we can sit with her and hopefully get her to drop off quicker so there's at least some evening left after that.

Thank you to posters on this thread who have reminded me that she needs to feel supported etc as sometimes that's harder to find in yourself when you're knackered and just want to veg in front of a box set!

??? No idea why my reply was hidden it was very sympathetic!

I'm with your DH on this one. Sitting with her is only going to be a short term thing as she's already 9 - it's not going to be something she wants in her teens. But in the meantime it shows that you're there for her at a difficult time. That alone might be enough to break through the problem. Becoming more independent also means breaking away from parent support which is scary - and why some tweens regress a bit in the process.

Just seen this update so to add to my previous post... it's probably not a bad idea to get past the idea of "having your evenings back" anyway because within a few very short years she'll be up til 10pm with you anyway.

My DD was like this.
We were lucky enough that we could fit another single bed in her room.
I slept in the room from when she was 9 to 11, when she said I could move out.
It didn't bother me, the preference was that we all had a good night's sleep.

She still isn't great at sleeping now she is 18, she has since been diagnosed as ND and I know sleep problems go hand in hand with that.

My DS is a similar age and going through a similar difficulty in getting to sleep. We make sure he has loads of physical exercise during the day, and when he comes downstairs saying he can’t get to sleep because of bad thoughts, we go and sit with him and he’s conked out in minutes.

I remember something similar happening to me at the same sort of age.

Could she be suffering from bad dreams?
If you sit in her room with her once lights are out, would she be able to fall asleep? Could you do this just to get you over this little blip?

That's very true, I am not looking forward to those days!!😆

It has come up. Thank you for sharing your similar story - yes it is hard isn't it, when you just want to veg out. I think having people here tell me to just get on with it and support her has made me realise I'm probably being a right cow in not doing that!

My daughter, now turning 11, has had various stages she's had to cosleep due to fears. She knows that's absolutely fine and there's no limit on how long she can sleep with me. I usually find she sets her own targets to get back to sleeping in her own room. She's otherwise a confident happy girl but occasionally gets targeted by the worry monster and needs to reconnect and get reassurance from closeness to a parent.