I really want to be a mum, but I'm afraid I'll mess them up

[theallotmentqueen]

TW: SA

I am a young woman (22) and really want to be a mother, but I'm really afraid of messing them up. Basically, I was sexually assaulted/raped when I was a child and only remembered and started to process this a few years ago. It's really messed me up, and I feel really sick and dead inside all the time. In particular, it's made me feel really weird and anxious about child boundaries - I never want to make another child feel the same way that I did. This means that I feel really anxious and scared about the idea of having children, as I don't want to have improper boundaries with them. E.g. co-sleeping, them seeing me naked when I get dressed. I can't figure out which behaviours are fine and normal, and which are predatory and will be traumatic. On the other hand, I don't want to make my children over-boundaried and weird about their bodies - I don't want to teach them that bodies are inherently shameful, or that touch is inherently sexual/bad. I want them to feel free and safe in their bodies, and not ashamed of nakedness.

I suppose I'm asking for advice, if anyone has any, as to how not to pass on my awful feelings about my body to my children. I don't want them to feel scared all the time, or ashamed of themselves. Any advice would be much appreciated. I really want to be a good mother.

Your fears are completely understandable. It's very difficult for survivors of sexual abuse to appreciate 'normal' boundaries.

I recommend NAPAC which is an organisation for survivors of childhood abuse and the Survivors Trust which offers support for survivors of sexual abuse.

Both can help with specialised therapy. I really recommend having therapy to process this and you can ask questions about boundaries etc

Thanks, I'll look into this!

I'd try to get some therapy. Likely you will have to pay privately as NHS stuff is hard to get.

Have you ever changed a child's nappy? Or given them a bath? Do you have family with kids you could spend time around. Kids being naked doesn't feel sexual, and if it does then I agree you should not have children. Being uncomfortable with a child's nakedness as you don't want to invade a boundary/feel it's private etc is not finding it sexual that is coming from a different place entirely.

For what it's worth I have a history of childhood SA. I hate to be naked, sex is weird it pops I to my head sometimes ruining it. I have extreme rules/boundaries to be physical. My relationships never work/I seem to choose abusive partners. Basically I can relate to having issues last for years. My nakedness and my body has always been a problem and I think it always will be. HOWEVER I'm a mother and was terrified for my children before I had them, my first pregnancy was very very hard on me emotionally (but I was also in an abusive relationship I think he was the trot of all my struggles really). Anyway I'm now a mother of 3, I can have a bath with the little darlings constantly needing to come in for the loo, I can bath them and only think about washing them. I still have issues with my nakedness but it somehow doesn't apply to a person you literally grew yourself. Nakedness doesn't have to be sexual/safeguarding aware and I knew that but hadn't felt it until I was a mother. It happened seconds after birth, child came out all slimy and naked and was put on my sweaty boobs for first feed. It's new life, its mind blowing and it's not sexual at all. It doesn't cross your mind despite it taking so much of your thinking while pregnant. No child comes out with clothes on and the fact they are naked is natural in a way you don't feel until you feel it. I mean I love a newborn sleeping with their little bottom up as you see in the newborn shoots, so dam cute, before I had kids I felt uncomfortable that I found that cute it felt dodgy somehow but now I know it is fucking cute and it's not anything sexual, first with my own kids now I can appreciate a cute newborn and know it's normal.

My kids definitely have firmer boundaries than most kids. They are fierce. They do have more knowledge than a lot of kids and that has been hard to get right because how do you teach a child to protect themselves without terrifying them. The pants rule is really helpful but a lot of abuse doesn't involve just that area of the body so I've had to have conversations about any touching and any looking and clearly saying they never have to kiss ANYONE they don't want to- then arguing with granny that no I won't make them kiss or even hug goodbye they said no. My dd has been the only girl refusing to play kiss chase and coming to get adults to stop the game because other girls didn't want to play but the boys wouldn't stop. It's sad that boundary pushing like this is part of life even for kids who are not abused. So yeah I can't say it won't affect your parenting, I certainly get anxious if my kids are in a situation where abuse could happen like cubs camp or a friends dad gives a lift home. That my burden though just as it will be yours- you have to allow your kids a life and not let them know you get anxious. but I think the fact you are aware of it and worried means you will do a better job that many. I mean my parents were not abused but did they teach me to speak out? Did they fuck. There is a correlation with those who are abused going on to abuse and neglect- so you do need to get your mental health steady before getting pregnant (and don't be distraught if pregnancy hormones feel like you loosing it crying at tv adverts is normal fyi) the ones who go on to be terrible parents themselves tend to be wrapped up in their own suffering and not thinking about the needs of the child. If you always think about the needs of your child first you will do fine for the kids (just be aware it is hard on you). And it's a big sacrifice in some ways, I can get triggered by something on tv and can't react because my kids are there, someone pinched my bum in a pub for lunch when I had my dd there and I wanted to leave but she had just got her food so I just pretended it hadn't happened and thanked god dd hadn't seen it.

Motherhood isn't easy for anyone. We all have our own individual challenges. There will be parents who have brilliant childhoods who fuck their kids up. What makes a good parent is always striving to be a good parent

Thanks for your message.

To clarify, no I don't feel that children being naked is inherently sexual, because I'm not a pedophile. The fear isn't around that, it's around not wanting to invade bodily autonomy and privacy.

I really like the bit that you wrote about, 'What makes a good parent is always striving to be a good parent' thought. That did really help me, thank you. I also like the bit about thinking of the needs of the child first - I totally agree, when I have kids I don't want to be spiralling in on myself. I want to love them and be there for them. I also really appreciate your discussion of your own parenting as an SA survivor - it's really nice to hear that you're able to parent, and that your experience and teaching them about consent has actually meant that your children feel more, rather than less, confident in their bodies and their boundaries.