6 year old son feels like school is prison and can't handle full day

[user1471471849]

Hi there,
Hoping to get some advice here. My 6 year old (nearly 7) is in 1st class in primary school in Ireland. He's always struggled with a school setting, even in play school. He's currently on reduced hours as he was lashing out, shouting and getting very stressed at having to do (in his mind) 'so much work'. He's very clever and imaginative but literally cannot handle sitting down and doing what he considers boring work. I suspect he has ADHD but we are waiting to talk to a psychologist to see how to help him.
He says school is his worst nightmare and that he is not normal but more complicated than the other kids who are able to sit down and focus. He feels his energy drain when he gets to school and needs to be active to stay energetic. He's articulate and self-aware and these are his words, not mine. He's begging me to take him out of school and home school him.

I'm wondering does anyone have any similar experiences or similar feedback from their kids and how they've managed? I want him to be able to get on in life and learn the skills needed to get on with people etc but at the same time I can see the toll going to school is taking on him and wondering if it's just not the right environement for him at the moment. The school and teachers are very nice and understanding but obviously he has to fit in with certain rules.
I have two older kids too, both teenagers, and whilst they didn't love school they were perfectly able to manage it.

Thanks for reading. It's incredibly stressful to see him so upset. We're doing everything we can to try and get him the right help but thought I'd post here in case anyone has advice. Still yet to talk to the psychologist so we can't make assumptions about what is causing the problem.

Has anyone left the traditional school environment and then reentered their kids after a few years?

You may get more replies on the Home Ed board.

It sounds like school is just too much for your little boy. It doesn't suit everyone. I was able to tolerate it and I was very compliant while there, but I always found it extremely unpleasant to be in that environment for more than a few hours at a time. Sometimes it felt like a physical pain. I lived for the holidays.

University was just utterly brilliant for me, as it was just a few hours in a classroom (and not so overwhelming as a school classroom had been). Only then did I realise there wasn't anything wrong with me; I just wasn't cut out for school.

I think the idea of school as preparation for adult life is misguided. Adult careers aren't much like school, unless you work as a teacher or in the military or prison. Having some autonomy and being able to choose a job which suits you makes all the difference. My first proper job was one which seemed very suitable for me on paper, but I gradually became stressed and realised that it was wrong for me. It was a busy sociable office environment when I prefer more peace and to work alone for most of the day. I changed career to software engineering and loved my job. These options aren't available to schoolchildren.

To answer your question, a child who hates the school environment is probably always going to find it hard going. From your son's description, what he dislikes about school is always going to be a feature of school. However, as he gets older he may develop some coping strategies and be able to advocate for himself to get what he needs, at least so far as school can allow for that. Some kids are home educated for primary and then manage school at secondary, even if they aren't genuinely happy there.

But even if you know he is always destined to dislike school and that you wouldn't be in a position to home educate him in the long run, isn't it better to give him a few years of happiness in a setting which suits him, where he can learn better because he's free from stress, rather than leaving him to be unhappy throughout his entire childhood?

”I want him to be able to get on in life and learn the skills to get on with people”

Please do NOT assume that school is the only way to ‘get on in life’ or to learn social skills. As an ex teacher turned home educator I can assure you it is not. In fact I’d go as far to say that in my opinion school can often be an unhealthy form of socialisation and a way to hold children back in life.

“I can see the toll going to school is having on him”
I think you have answered your own questions. To look at it from an objective point of view, if this was a friend, colleague or partner what would you say to them? What would your advice be?

I agree with your son and that's why I home educate my two.

Thanks so much for your replies. Interesting that you mostly agree with my son. Moonlightmedicine- did your children find it difficult too or did you just decide to educate them at home from the beginning?
I think he has some anger and stress around people telling him what to do if he considers that thing pointless. He just seems to blow up. He says school is turning him into a horrible person and he doesn't want to be like that. I didn't realise there was a home ed section Saracen. I'll have a look at that.
It's the lack of control he hates I think, and he needs to play more that do structured work.
benefitstaxcredithelp. that's really interesting that you decided to home educate after being a teacher. You must have a unique perspective.

I spoke to his teacher last year who was just amazing and so experienced. She used to, run her own Montessori school but was just subbing and then unfortunately left the country. She was so calm and accepting of everyone's unique personality. She said there was nothing wrong with him per se, but that he just hated school, as did her two kids. I'm going to look more into the home school option. It's scary as I worry that he'll be bored and not socialising enough, and that he might not learn how to compromise and get on with people in an appropriate way so I'll have to learn more about it. There's a 7 year age gap between him and his next sibling so he would be on his own doing it (other than meeting with others and have friends over).

I described school as a prison sentence. People get less for murder

It took my dd realising something wasn’t right with her and her finding a list of symptoms for ADHD which she showed me to see if they could apply to her.

I read them and pointed out I also had the same symptoms. DS Dd and myself were then diagnosed with ADHD. And are all now on meds

One thing that comes with a late diagnosis is the regret about what life would have looked like if diagnosed early.

Your DS I can almost guarantee has adhd. Everything he describes is exactly the same as I described school. That feeling that you are not normal because you hate sitting still and wondering how other children do it

It might be easier to get a diagnosis if he is still in school. They should then plan a programme for him and probably prescribe medication. Then you could remove him if the meds weren't helping him. I have taught children who couldn't handle school but with medication they were absolutely fine. Are school allowing movement breaks/ sessions with Special needs teacher etc? Has he made friends at school? Can he read? Sometimes there can be dyslexia alongside and part of the reason they hate school is that they have no idea why they can' read so they fight to escape as its so terrible to be dealing with that daily.
My own ds was only diagnosed as an adult and found that medication really helps him now. He didn't find school as difficult as your guy but never loved it. He also has dyslexia..diagnosed since 7 so a lot of his issues were attributed to that.
If you are in a position to homeschool him with work etc it's definitely doable and he can have social outlets in other places like sports/ scouts/ coding clubs etc. Remember if homeschooling he doesn't need to be taught all day as a child alone can complete a day's work in a far shorter time as no need to wait for the others . In that extra time he could pursue stuff that he enjoys but it is important he not be gaming , on screens too much as that will not help him.

Just to add its also worth reading up about Oppositional Defiance disorder which causes kids to struggle with authority and being told what to do. It can sometimes come alongside ADHD.

Pull him out. The energy drain is because his nervous system goes on high alert because he doesn’t feel safe. This could either be due to inconsistent discipline, and the teacher is targeting him for minor infractions that others are getting away with (more common then you think), or he’s worried about being bullied or is seeing other kids being bullied. Whatever the reason he is unable to relax enough to focus on learning.
Our schools right now are in a really bad state and I think people will start whistleblowing soon. Take your kid out over the short term

It sounds really hard , school doesn't suit everyone. It's easy for posters to say pull him out of school but it's not always practical or leads to other difficulties unless you have the where with all to home educate. Are there other schools locally that might suit him better? It sounds like he needs time to decompress in the school days and other strategies to support him. He sounds like a bright boy and so it may not be obvious that he needs other support/ it might not be forth coming if he's on target with work. It sounds like the beginning of a long process to get the right support in place.

I would like to say Happyinarcon has given* *you the best advice in my opinion. Pull him out.
Regardless of what is causing the problem, if a child is in that much distress pull him out. If it were an adult we were speaking about everyone would state no job is worth mental health peace. Same applies.
Once you pull him out, visit other schools where perhaps you may feel yourself the environment is nurturing and the teachers are extremely nice, he needs that to move on from this. Otherwise if that doesn't work, homeschool during primary. You could have him assessed if that would give you some peace of mind but I would try the other options first for 1 year. Could be all those things described by Happyinarcorn that is causing those behaviors.

It seems most people would pull him out. The school itself is lovely and very relaxed so I don't think we'd find a more suitable one, unless there existed some type of forest school with minimal structured learning, which would be amazing but unfortunately there's nothing like that here.

I worry about homeschooling him as I feel his world will get smaller, as will mine. I'll do whatever's best for him of course. There's only 2 weeks left of this term and we're meeting a psychologist in early January so we'll see where to go from there.
If it is ADHD I know it's not the end of the world, just sad for him that things are so difficult for him, often due to his own reactions to things.

Thanks for all your advice, I appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

Hi OP, just wanted to say I'm not sure all posters will be aware you said you're in Ireland. Your current school sounds nice overall and in general here schools, while busy, do well enough for many kids (not all of course) - teachers seem to have a slightly easier time of it than in UK so are less stressed themselves perhaps.
It's a tricky one as he may be just slightly 'young' for first class here if he isn't 7 yet, but as you say he sounds very bright. Tricky mix. Someone asked about his reading abilities and this would be a good thing to establish.
Also - can you really just 'pull him out' to home educate? Do you work? This would be a major life change for everyone.
As the parent of a child the same age in Ireland I think I'd stay the course for now, work with the psychologist and teacher, make sure he's getting loads of time away from the classroom and that this is normalised for him by the school. As in plenty of discussions about different learning styles, lots of people learn and feel better away from a desk. Best of luck.

I would wait to see what the ed psych says in January, as that will give a big clue to what's going on.

One of mine hated school aged 5, having loved pre-school since 3. She just felt it was completely boring, the carpets were awful (those plastic ones!), the tasks were boring and she ran away several times.

I went to see the headteacher who said some children find school very confining and just hate it to start with, also people talk to them about school as if it's exciting 'oh you are off to school, such a big girl/boy' and when they get there and realise it's a bit shit, they react.

My dd is neurodivergent and so looking back now, I see that lots of her hatred of school came from that. Despite not realising, she ended up doing very well indeed at school as she is extremely intelligent and it provided a focus for her mind. That said, I wish in some ways we had realised earlier as it would have helped us manage the stress of school, which was often overwhelm. That's why I think getting the ed psych in and getting some assessment in place might help here, but children are also very changeable and this may be a stage of defiance/hatred for school that wears off.

School is rubbish, though, I was an excellent pupil and I still hated it.

Many of the children who are pulled out to home educate return to school within a couple years, particularly when there is a move up of schools or in qualification years for older children.

I don't know enough of the Irish system to advise much, but it reads like you've already had a lot of support from the school, particularly as he's on reduced hours and what you've said on the staff, and doing. I'd start with discussing with the school any options they are aware of (possibly further reduction in hours and/or days a week and any support in your area, family support can be great) and hear from the ed psych in January. Get a wide view of your options, then see what path to take. I would definitely consider it from what you've written.

My younger three entered school when they were 11-12 (oldest was 15) after being home educated and in academic and most life skills they got on fine. One of them now works in a primary school. My neurodivergent children, both home educated and in school, found the social side very difficult, it was the main part of transitioning into school and later for my older children into the work force that they've found most difficult, and is a life skill area I'd recommend having a strong focus on finding potential options, socializing as a family/broad community and with those his age.

Hi all,

Thanks for the insights. When you say your child is neurodivergent, do you mean ADHD or add, if you don't mind me asking?
It's a new world to me but the more I look into it, the more I realise I could easily have ADHD myself. I'm a much quieter introverted person compared to my son who is very extroverted and confident though, so I would never have been as vocal as he is about things at that age . Also, I think it's more socially acceptable to cry about something (me at that age) rather than seethe and rage (his way of venting). He also hates rules or feeling like his will is being imposed on. This could all be just his personality so I think waiting to talk to a psychologist before any major decisions are made is best.

Academically he's very bright. Ancientdecs- yes, he is young for the class and doesn't turn 7 till end Feb. It was a tough decision on whether to start him at 4 and a half or 5 and a half but we thought he'd be very bored if he was too old..I think we were right in certain respects as he hates doing easy 'babyish' work and is able to read chapter books and loves maths. He doesn't like writing though and finds it challenging. He gets very frustrated when having to write lots of sentences. Emotionally though, he is a bit behind some of the kids in the class especially as some are 9 months to a year older.
he makes friends easily and according to the teacher he's very popular (with the boys that is, he doesn't like playing with the girls). Though he does lose his temper and get frustrated sometimes, especially if there is some perceived injustice in his mind.

Thanks for reading,

Could a smaller school work? Less kids, smaller classrooms, more support?

It's a small school already but there are two class years in his room (1st and 2nd).

I don’t know the system in Ireland but *junebirthdaygirl *
has a very valid point. As I found out to my cost when I pulled DS out of school

In the UK, if you want a diagnosis of anything eg dyslexia, adhd, asd etc then you need a referral by the school/teacher

I don’t think having adhd goes hand in hand with not being able to read
I could read by the age of 4 and not just children’s books. However, whilst I could understand perfectly what a story was about, including the subtext. I could never find the words to explain a story to anyone else

Both DS and dd have a diagnosis of dyslexia and DS couldn’t read until he was 12

What upsets me is that I remember my mother being called for a meeting in school with my teacher and when she returned I was screamed and shouted at for doing things that I now realise are related to my adhd

I wonder what my life would be like if I had got tested and had got meds at 5 years old

Probably not, but could pda (pathological demand avoidance) or aspects of it be a possibility? Might be worth reading up on. You said he hates ‘his will being imposed on’ and it rang a bell. My DS has aspects of this but it’s not as severe as some.

@user1471471849 just came across your thread. My son has autism with pda and is exactly this way also, very bright but learning needs to be self directed, we tired school, it was a catastrophe and we are now home educating with various fun sessions such as science club, forest school and art classes. I have had to massively reduce work for now- luckily I work for myself. Happy to chat strategy if you need.

THanks Angliski. I'll PM you now. I'd be really interested in what works for you.

Hi Angliski,

I sent you a PM but I'm not sure if you saw it. We're still having a lot of problems in school. It's really hard to know if it's him or the school. He gets very anxious about things and they just don't listen to him, then the issue gets worse as he gets upset. It's usually a very minor thing that turns into a major issue through their clumsy handling. They either ignore him or just tell him to calm down or tell him all the things he's doing wrong and then he worries that he'll do something wrong again. I'm livid today with the way they've been treating him and handed in a long letter explaining this.
His anxiety and getting angry only occur in the school setting, not at home. I'm thinking we need a back up plan but not sure if home schooling him would set him back as he loves his friends and playing with them and the routines in school days.
I'd love to know if your son finds it ok socially to be at home and if he misses friends/interaction during the day. If you've any strategies in general which work I'd love to hear them.
Thanks a mill.