8 year old is stuggling!

[Lm952434]

We have recently moved which is great, my daughter finally has her own room and doesn't have to share with her brother anymore, they now have a garden and we got them a trampoline and hot tub, I've decorated her room and she helped pick it all, its beautiful!

My daughter has always been angry towards her brother, but they do also play together alot really nicely so its not like she cannot stand him, but when she's mad he gets the brunt of it, punching, shouting etc, he does sometimes give back (7YO) but he isn't an angry child, he's very placid by nature.

I thought moving and her having her own space would fix the problem but it hasn't and she just seems sad and angry most of the time! If you tell her off for hitting and being unkind she just says its not her fault its his fault, I try to explain that she is responsible for what she does with her hand, but she refuses to take any accountability and then says that I like her brother more. Other times she's mad with me and ropes her brother in, Saturday night for example, she was stomping about looking for her charger, she came downstairs and shouted why aren't you looking for my charger, you're just ignoring me, I said im not looking you've just had it and your shouting, with that she stormed upstairs shouting that I don't care and told her brother we need to leave were adopted and that we didn't care about them, my son thought this was funny and joined in to make it a game, she then got cross and told him no they won't help me look for my charger they don't love us! I went up, separated them, and put my son back into his room with his lego and he went back to his game, as I walked into her room I saw the charger on the floor amongst all her things she'd thrown from her desk, I picked it up and she just looked at me, I tried to tell her the way she behaved wasn't acceptable, but then she said she felt like I didn't care and I felt awful, we had a chat about talking and communication and she was lovely all day yesterday, then this morning it started again, I asked her to put her tights on and to start with she complained that she doesn't like tights, she then shouted that I help her brother put his socks on why don't I do it! (for back story her brother is in the stages of being tested for ADHD/Autisum, so he needs extra help) I feel so sad to see her when she's in these fits of rage, when she's not in her rage she can be the sweetest child, she's funny and kind and beautiful! She is a model student at school and the school have nothing to say but lovely things!

I think she's worried due to moving, and pending move of schools, she said her current friends aren't mean but she feels they don't want to play her games as much anymore.

Im so stuck on what to do, I feel like its a consent battle and I don't want that, Ive tried talking to my mum about it but she just says they're spoiled and its created spoiled kids! They do get alot (I feel like i compensated due to living in a flat with no space or garden, I also grew up in an unhealthy household and there were things i wanted my mum just couldn't afford, I love her endlessly but I didn't want this for my children) My mother in law does say sometimes were to lenient, but has no advice to go with this!) I just don't know how to get through this, I feel like im either shouting or hiding from the chaos My partner does try to help (their dad) but she just gets angry at him to, if he tells her off she cries and I then feel bad for her!

We are doing a mum and daughter day out on Friday, I'm hoping I can lift her worries for a day and maybe try and get to what's going on as whenever I ask she says she doesn't know why she feels so angry and sad!

Has anyone got any constructive advice or has been through similar, I feel like its been going on for so long and it's only getting worse as she gets older and bigger, half the time I feel like I'm being bullied in my own home, but then when she calms down I just see my beautiful daughter looking just as exhausted as I feel! I just want her to be happy!

HELP

I’m sorry, op, but It sounds like she’s the centre of the family universe, the main aim being to keep her happy. Also sounds like there’s a lot of emphasis on material things. That’s not a healthy dynamic. I hope you’re going to have a day out with her brother, too, at some point?

Children need to know that it’s not all about them. It’ll make for a much happier life, than if she has the expectation of being pandered to all the time. Other people won’t put up with it, and it will cone as a shock. I’m wondering if her school friends are beginning to not want to do things her way all the time, as you say ’she feels they don't want to play her games as much anymore.’ I would start suggesting to her that she joins in with playing their games a bit more. It makes children more secure, imo, to realise that there’s a limit to the power they have.

Two quick thoughts. I read a book on sibling rivalry as my two fight all the time. It's called, wait for it, Siblings without rivalry.

One point I remember is that when one child says 'you love X and not me' or 'you prefer X to me', really they are saying 'I'm worried you don't love me'.

So the answer to that is not 'I don't prefer X to you, I know I do Y for him but I do Z for you, etc etc' but just 'I love you so much' (meaning it of course).

The other thing I picked up was the irritability over the charger. What was she charging? If devices are a problem, getting addicted, finding it hard to stop, irritability, then are you comfortable with how much she's getting? Would she be as irritable if she was doing something not on a device?

Good luck. I think the 1:1 is a lovely idea.

I don't appreciate the assumption that her brother isn't just as important, but this post relates to her and her feelings of worry and sadness! The point of a 1:1 day out is to try and find out why she's feeling sad and angry and give her reassurance.
Of course he gets one-on-one time, he was out this weekend with my partner for his own time, we often do this for them or all together as a family, not massive days out but just spending time one-on-one or altogether!

This post is very much about her because I'm worried about her, her brother is such a happy, go-lucky, kind, and content child I have no worries other than the assessment and what that means for him.

You say it's not all about them, but what do I say to a child who says they feel so sa?! I cant just tell her to stop being so self-absorbed, which i feel is what this comment is getting at,unless I've read it wrong.

I do however agree that they probably get more material items than they should, this is something im conscious of and have tried to phase out, they do get what they want when they really shouldn't and haven't behaved in a manner that would warrant getting them new things! The trampoline and bedroom was merely to say I've tried to make the new home exciting and inviting for them to help them settle in and give them things to do and enjoy all together and that ive tried to give her a space that feels like her own.

Hi,

Thankyou! That makes complete sense! I do feel like she feels sometimes that because he needs extra help, he's more important, that's a great way to combat it without continuing the argument! I do feel like she struggles with her self-esteem!

She was charging her tablet, I do think she spends to much time on her device in reflection. It does tend to cause arguments, she's often cross atm because all her friends play Roblox and I've said she's not allowed it! might have to combat screen time, but I love the suggestion for combating worrying about love, so simple yet it makes sense! I might have to get hold of a copy of the book, do you know the authors name?

thanks again!

The authors are called Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

It's a pretty old book - I also remember the 'helpful' advice they gave about not hitting your children, but it did have some useful info in there.

If it seems like some of the behaviour is driven by devices, I think it is much easier for willpower reasons if it's just a blanket no, no ifs or buts or whens. (Or a 'when I think you're mature enough to handle it, perhaps we can try again when you are X years old'.

At 8 she definitely doesn't need a device, she doesn't need to play Roblox, and if it's affecting her behaviour, it's just making life harder for all of you to have them. It feels easier in the moment, you can cook, you can do things yourself - but is it actually easier?

I also thought you sounded insightful noticing that sometimes you given them 'stuff'' when they haven't behaved in a way where it seems appropriate for them to have been 'rewarded'.

Keep in mind that is unsettling for them too - they don't understand the rules then, and may keep pushing to try and understand what the boundaries actually are - and may lead to a cycle of bad behaviour.

Your post is full of so much love and care, don't forget that actually, that is enough.

Get her off the tablet. My friends very placid 7 year old son has a personality transplant when he’s allowed time on his tablet.
Fortunately friend made the link early and restricted his use.

They are not good for young brains and can bring out lots of unwanted behaviour.

What was the charger for? If a phone or iPad then you have the root of the problem.

Can you get her doing things that actually tire her out, physically or mentally? You might find the siblings stop fighting when you get out of the house and into fresh air.

girls are much better at masking neurodiversity, if your son is being assessed it may be worth discussing you're concerns with the psychiatrist (who should be asking about family anyway). if possible i'd explore private diagnosis as it seems your daughter is asking for help.

If her brother has ASD/ADHD there is an increased chance so does she but girls tend to mask better.

I’m sure there are lots of things which can be tried but what have you tried so far? What is your parenting like? Routine? Do they get enough exercise, good food and miminal screen time?

Autism presents differently in everyone, so even though your children are very different, your DD might still be neurodivergent.

She clearly struggles with emotional regulation, tolerating frustration, low self esteem, coping with change (the house move and anticipated school move are massive), and maybe with friendships too, if she wants her friends to play her way and is not able to compromise or be flexible... all these things are very similar to my 7yo who is diagnosed autistic.

some links you might find interesting
https://autisticgirlsnetwork.org/autism-and-girls/
and
https://help4psychology.co.uk/blog/autism-the-tragedy-of-the-missed-and-misdiagnosed/
and
https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/about-pda/what-is-demand-avoidance/

i shall have a look on Amazon!

I don’t hit my children, I dont know how people do!

I am studying primary studies, and am currently learning about child development and self esteem so I’m hoping that might have some insight to!

I have reduced screen time, to an hour after school to chill out , and I have noticed some improvement after arguing about devices, we had a lovely day yesterday on our girls trip out, she said she’s finding it tough as her friends at school said she’s not their best friends anymore because she’s moving and won’t be going to their birthdays! She’s also said she feels left out because her brother gets more help and sometimes she wants more help too! Listening to her made me realise how conflicted she is in her feeling and also her age (wanting to be older but also wanting to stay small!) She said she feels sad and angry sometimes and she doesn’t know why and she doesn’t mean to! Heart breaking! I think I might talk to the doctors after talking with people at work, I’m wondering if she’s hit pre-puberty and that might be why she’s swinging in moods!

I think you’re right about rules! I’ve got to be honest we don’t really have any other than kind hands and kind words! It’s the only thing I’m consistent about, I take a lot of rudeness purely because I’m exhausted with work, education, running a house and 2 big dogs, my partner has his own business and only has a Sunday off, we’ve had a chat and decided he needs to take the whole weekend off and I need to cut down my work hours, so I’m hoping that will give us the extra energy and perhaps more family time! Also hoping the book might have some practical solutions, maybe some suggestions on combating the rivalry between the children too!
thankyou! I love them dearly, and I do love being a mum more than anything, I’d love another but need to fix all this first!

thank you for your guidance, it’s so helpful to have an outside view point that has some constructive ideas!

We have 2 large dogs so lots of walking, we have the garden and trampoline, we often go to the park on Sundays or a soft play, and my daughter rides on the weekends so lots of time doing things outdoors! You’re right in that they don’t fight when we’re out doing things.

they do spend to much time on the screens so that’s something I’m trying to take back control on,

There is a lot in the family, for my side my uncle on my mums side is diagnosed autistic, my father had ADHD (passed now sadly) and I suspected he had mild autism too, my aunt (fathers side) & cousin have diagnosed autism my sister has suffered with her mental health and is going private for an ADHD assessment, then my partners side he has diagnosed ADHD, his nephew is diagnosed autism. So there is a lot in the family, but she isn’t impulsive like my son, she’s very carful, she can be flexible in her games, (we had a chat over the weekend and what she was really meaning was that because she’s moving schools her friends have said they can’t be best friends as she’s moving, which she’s obviously really hurt by)

I’ll have a look at your links tomorrow,
thank you for your comment!

there have been a few suggestions of this, it might be something I bring up with the paediatrician at my sons meeting!

I try to stay rational and calm even when she’s in the storm (which I will admit sometimes I just don’t have the energy to navigate, which can end with shouting or walking out of the room and waiting for the storm to pass!) but mostly I try to reason with her, try and understand what’s got her to that point, often she says she doesn’t know!

my parenting is pretty relaxed mostly, I’m not one for hard fast rules (this might be my biggest downfall) other than kind hands and kind words, we don’t have particular rules! Our routine is the same apart from weekends they get an extra hour up, dinner at 4,(they have their tablets then which I’m embarrassed to admit so that normally takes an hour, then school reading, bath or shower, hour of screen time, then I go and sit with my son, we read a chapter of the book we’re reading at the time and then cuddles till he’s asleep, then by about 8 he’s off, so I go into my daughter rooms to take the screen away and that normally creates a fight, then read a chapter of her book, then I leave her to drift off (which she is saying isn’t fair and I should sit with her too, I don’t know if I should be or not so often times I end up sitting there and often falling asleep myself!) We have large dogs so we walk them, she rides on the weekends, we have the trampoline in the garden and we normally go to the park or soft play on a Sunday when daddy is off to! Holidays we do adventure walks with my friends and their children, picnics, days out and park trips. I do try to keep them active as I love the outdoor had horses from a young age up until mine died a few years ago, love walks and things so we do do a lot. But we do also have a lot of screens in our house! My son mostly watches educational stuff or listens to his books being read on audio and reads along to it, but he’s getting a Tonie for Christmas so I’m hoping that will be cut down, the thing is he struggles with normal (hate the word but) play, he likes building but he also likes back ground noise otherwise other noises in the house are to much so I’m hoping the Tonie can help me there, I have cut down her screen time, which caused new arguments as he has his and this was the initial problem but I’ve tried to make more time to play board games with her and read with her, I’ve ordered some new games from Amazon and thought carefully about Christmas presents getting more toys that I think she’d chose to play with over tablets, games and interactive toys rather than her normal lol stuff or gadgets! And my partners now cutting down and trying to keep both days at the weekends free and I’ve cut my work hours down as I’m also studying, trying to make more time to and therefore more energy to be better parents! I think I need to think about maybe setting up some clear rules and making a chart to see if having it infront of them might help! The problem I have is what to do if they break them, I’m full of empty threats and they know it, I just can’t bring myself to follow though and actually take things away or cancel lessons!

The only questions about family we have had are about who is in it and any family diagnosis history, we had a meeting a year ago when my son had just turned 6 and they asked us to come back in a year, the school wrote conflicting reports, said he had a speech impediment (which he definitely doesn’t) they are completely useless and I question if they had mixed up his report with another child as I know there is another child in his class that was going though at the same time! So can’t wait to move them, but he hasn’t changed and I see so many signs from him there’s no possible way he doesn’t have a form of autism, although I’m leaning more towards Asperger’s!

she definitely wants help, she says she doesn’t know why she feels like it most of the time, other times it’s to do with friends and us moving or her brother. She’s also struggling I think with wanting to be older and having her tablet and her own space and being treated like a young person but also wanting to be a baby still, help getting dressed, bedtime, making drinks, nursery rhymes at bedtime etc.
we had a massive chat on our mum and daughter day out and I got so much from it, but also still got a I don’t know why I’m angry or sad sometimes! Today she has been like a different child so maybe she also needed some time away from the regiment that is daily life to relax and deconstruct what she’s feeling while she’s completely relaxed and away from stress, which I think we can all relate to, bless her!