8 year olds behaviour

[Anony11]

I’m at my wits end with our 8 year old granddaughters behavior. She has the most terrible meltdowns and cries numerous times throughout the day, everyday. If it’s not her hair and how it’s styled, it’s something else. Every family function ends up with everyone being miserable because she’s ruined it with her behavior. My daughters friends have stopped visiting because she has to be the Centre of attention and plays up when they are there.
Her parents parted last year so that hasn’t helped. My daughter has spoken to the teacher and queried adhd as there’s adhd in the family on her dads side but her teacher has said she’s fine in school and she doesn’t have adhd.

She’s nasty, throws things, hurts her younger sister and uses foul language.
Every day is a battle with her and she plays mind games. Any little thing can set her off and we are treading on eggshells most of the time. One time we all had a weekend away and because she couldn’t have her own way, she had a meltdown and cried for four hours!
She has a good life, lives in a lovely home, has a loving family around her and never wants for anything.

my daughter has 2 other children who are well behaved and it’s not fair on them.
Everything has to be about her and no attention should be given to anybody else when she’s in the room. She expects all her own way and doesn’t like the word no. I have 5 grandchildren and have helped out with childcare and even from her toddler years, she was always more challenging than the others.
I think there will have to be some intervention from professionals at some point but in the meantime any advice would be appreciated.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/changing-minds/202308/is-your-child-being-manipulative-or-is-it-something-else

Give this a read. You’re not finding any solutions because you’re treating her like a problem- shes not manipulative, she’s a baby.

I don't agree with above PP, 8 years old is no longer a baby and children in primary school are completely capable of using manipulation tactics/techniques to get their own way. However the reason I would be looking into is WHY she needs her own way and is so rigid - there is likely to be an underlying core belief of hers that if things don't go a certain way (her way) that it means something - which could range from she feels she won't cope otherwise, or she feels left out or she feels unfairly treated compared to siblings. I would agree with you OP that professional therapy to dig deep into the reasons behind the behaviours which your granddaughter may not even be able to verbalise but could be drawn out in other ways by a therapist would be a great starting point.

Hi OP, I'm a primary teacher and play therapist. You don't sat how these situations are dealt with by the adults in charge. It will likely be worth considering that and maybe changing somethings that may work for other children that only make things worse for your gd. A child like this needs a different way of handling things and firm, consistent limits I had my own explosive child around this age and he is doing super now as a young teen, but it could have gone the other way.

My first thought was ASD/ADHD or similar. Sadly I find schools are reluctant to help pursue a diagnoses unless they are having major issues with the child themselves AND it's extremely obvious that an assessment is needed. One of my sons, his very first teacher in primary school told us his brain is wired differently and she really got him. But she left and no other teacher in the school would agree that he needed an assessment (they have to pay for it... I suspect this could contribute to why they don't want to get it done). I finally got somewhere through the GP when he was in secondary school - CAHMS did an initial assessment, said he ticks almost every single box for an autism diagnosis and was disgusted that the school had not taken any action sooner/at all.

So please don't rely on one teacher telling you they don't believe she has ADHD. If you have reason to suspect it, keep pushing for diagnosis. It may not be that - but at least you can rule it out and not have you wondering! But also, getting an assessment will at least help get you into child mental health services - so they may be able to help regardless.

Good luck!

Thanks for all your messages. I appreciate it.

What might help is setting really clear boundaries and sticking to them. If everyone handles her behavior the same way—calmly but consistently—she’ll start to understand what’s okay and what’s not.

At the same time, catching her doing something positive and praising her for it, even if it’s small, could encourage more of that. And maybe consider a child therapist. Sometimes, just having a neutral person to help her work through her feelings can make a huge difference.

Yes, agree. V often the parenting side of things can greatly improve a situation. I often find doing some work with parents yields great results and I don't even meet the child!!