Is my neighbour right or way out of line..

[IcyViewer]

I'm honestly so overwhelmed. I'm a single mum. I make good money and I'm not concerned for myself financially but I've just been stressed about the future of my teen.

He's been in an in-patient unit for almost a year... he's getting discharged at the end of this month. we've talked about what the future looks like. He says he doesn't feel that much better, like he's 'on thin ice' which is honestly concerning... but he wants to go to his school's 6th form. hes turning 17 for context..

I had money issues briefly after I divorced my ex and my son knew of them, and he used to tell me that he'd rather not eat the food that I paid with my own money because he felt bad 😔 there was some past sexual abuse too.. really horrific incidents. I feel sick and so guilty thinking about it.. i didnt notice signs for a while... and theres issues with him being mute.. it's something like selective mutism but much more extreme, he refused to even talk to me for a very long time... he usually still communicates via text to speech or with a whiteboard. He's begun to speak very quietly to me now.. and he hugged me for the first time in forever the other week when he spent some allocated time outside hospital.. he really hates physical touch because he says it reminds him of the past so it meant so much. I spent the night crying because of it. I was just so, so relieved.

I've always thought he was high functioning autistic but they ruled that out when they tested for it. His father had a history of mental illness and so do my siblings (bi polar brother who had to be hospitalised when i was a teen, hes a successful man now.. and a sister with an eating disorder who passed 😢). The plan for when he comes home is to focus on education and some hobbies.. maybe the gym.. he's an intelligent young man and he likes reading so when he's less overwhelmed (he's so excited about coming home but hes not taking the transition to leaving well, all I hear is him wondering if he'll make more friends or do good in school because he has catching up to do...) i might suggest some sort of volunteering at the library.. but for now I think the progress is too fragile for that.

I talked a bit about it to my neighbour who asked when I'm going to ask him to work. I did think about it. My dad passed when I was young and my mum was an immigrant.. I had to work as soon as I could. it taught me discipline. But I really don't think my son is up for that currently (I'm not sure if I'm being too soft on him.. it's like everyone thinks I am). hes not special needs and seems like any other teen to a lot of people.. just more shy. My neighbour laughed and said that no teenager wants a job these days but that i should give him a deadline for a job within the first few weeks when he comes back and that I'm doing him a huge disservice by not pushing for him being employed. She asked if I still pay for his things and I said I do.. he doesn't get luxury items or brand name things, but I pay for his clothes and food.. ill be paying for his school supplies for sixth form too... he saves up his allowance for things like books or games. his phone is a second hand one that I brought him. I cant remember the last time he asked for extra cash.

there's so many different views I've been hearing. His psychiatrist and therapist advised against job hunting at this stage but ugh.. a lot of other mums with older teens are judging me for it and saying that they would never allow their sons to only have school as a responsibility, that everyone has baggage but it isn't an excuse... the judgement just feels like so much extra pressure.

Every child is different, your son needs to adapt to the new change of being out if the u it. Listen to the professionals, it's their job to guide you and him through this transition,. Ignore other peoples opinions who does not know yourDS as well as you and have no idea of his story and his trauma. It's really positive that he wants to go into education and build a life for himself. One step at a time .

Your ds will need time to transition to home. Add in returning to school and he already has a lot to cope with.
I think he will need time with you and to feel cared for. His communication difficulties will make a job more difficult to get and keep.
I think setting a time limit at this point would be counterproductive.
Ignore your neighbour, lots of teenagers do want to work but jobs aren’t easy to come by.
For now, let school be your ds’s work and use home time to demonstrate your love for him.

Ignore everyone and focus on helping your son adapt to 6th form. I hope the transition goes really well

It sounds like your son (and you) have been through a lot. I'd ignore anyone else's "helpful" opinions and just focus on what seems right for him - supporting the transition back into the home, adjusting to the school routine and learning. If you can afford to support him without him working I'd do it, there is plenty of time for that. Volunteering could be a good opening to working life when he's ready but I wouldn't rush

A year in hospital is a long time my daughter was in for 8 months then a rehabilitation home for 2. She found coming home very hard, we all did.

going to school is enough for now, he will find that stressful and exhausting enough. My daughter is a lot older and found going to work hard and even 11 months at home she can only manage part time, so full time school will be hard .

I would set him jobs at home, Even just helping with housework will make him feel he is contributing without the stress of being out in the world he will get social time at school.

believe me people will judge, they will all have their opinions on how you should be doing things. But he’s your son, you know him best, just talk to him, and move on together at your own pace, and be ready for set backs, days he really can’t manage the care support staff you will be given will help you get through those.

It not your neighbor’s or “the other mum’s” business, is it.
Sheezus — give your son a chance to decompress and adjust to his new life at home and tell these other “experts” to MTOFB.
You and your son do what’s best for you.

You know your son and you have specialists say he cant handle a job right now. Go slow and one day at a time.

Listen to your son and his needs ( verbal and non) Other people really have no clue, they see only a few minutes /periods of your child and have no idea of the ins and outs, the challenges and the trauma. I understand a bit of what you are going through and other people will always have an opinion, however they don't have to be there to pick up the pieces when things fall apart because of their ill-advised outdated advice, nor will they be there in 20 years time when your son is an adult and hopefully you have both navigated things in a way that works for the long run.

The aim is not about short term benefits of pocket money and supposed self worth this brings. It doesnt take into account his mental health and challenges at all, and the potential stress of navigating a part-time job ( which in iteself can cause additional anxiety and trigger things and then lead to even more setbacks. is just not worth it and not what this is all about.... ( unless he wants to and is ready and has supports in place... later). This is a long game - it is about teaching him the ability to cope with life and end up living a good life where he can function independently and be happy.

Listen to your son, yourself and the professionals - everyone else has no effing idea. ( sorry, but speaking from experience and a situation that is not too different).

edited to add: stop listening to the neighbour who has no clue and has not dealt the challenges you and your son have had to deal with. The advice is irrelevant and dangerous in terms of not taking into account your son's mental health needs. Don't tell your neighbour details about money and what you do or don't pay for - it only give them gossip and ammunition to tell you what to do. Unless they have a similar situation they are dealing with at home, their advice is useless.

Op please ignore your neighbour and whoever with a judgemental view about mental health or/and young people. Perhaps join some support group/s for yourself to find more understanding people and also information sometimes training to help yourself and your son.
Both yourself and your son need reassurance and support. Would he like to run or join in a book club, does he like animals or nature or play board games with others to take his mind off things and detox from his phone? If you look around you may be surprised to find some free and interesting activities near home and a chance to meet some more understanding people.

Your neighbour doesn't understand the severity of your son's suffering and needs to butt out.

Those mums who would never allow their kids to "just do school" don't sound like they value education very much. For some kids that's what they can manage. You've got uni and your whole twenties to work shit jobs if necessary, his schooling and emotional equilibrium are far more important right now.

Just be there for him OP, like you are doing.Let him progress towards feeling good one day. Don;t be talked into being hard on him. "Discipline" right now could be crushing to him. He's had such a hard time. You're in a good position (money -wise) to let him work towards feeling safer and happier, don't let random judgeys take that away.

I think your neighbour has been far too ready to offer their opinion about a complex situation and a young person emerging from an extremely difficult time.

I think you need to keep your neighbour away - your son needs time to settle back at home. Sixth form is only 18 months or so and involves intense study - give him support. He also has a right to privacy - I would beware of sharing so much with other people.

Your neighbour has absolutely no emotional intelligence by the sound of it. Your ds will be facing a lot of challenges just coming home and going to 6th form. People, whose children have no mental health challenges can be so clueless. My 16 yo dd is currently mentally ill but in total denial. We have someone on board privately as CAMHS were useless. No way would I want her working. She started 6th form this year and restarted an outside hobby last month as she was too unwell to do that. This is quite enough for her.

I hope your ds’s return runs smoothly and you can both relax and enjoy having him home. He’s worked so hard I’m sure to be ready for this point.

Your neighbour sounds clueless at best.

I'd really ignore job hunting but i do think something structured/ regular might be good also something community based.

Initially id just look at basic structure and routine

• trip to coffee shop monday
• food shop on tuesday morning
• washing on Wednesday
• fruit and veg stall on Thursday

Daily walks in a park.

Mid term
Some random ideas that might not be appropriate

-An allotment (thats more for summer maybe?)
-Membership to a fitness club (DL type thing)
Either joining a club running, cyclingfootball etc
-some sort ot maybe volunteering something related to what his interested in.
-Charity shoptype work or a food bank. Volunteering at scouts or something?

much Longer term Partime work in a cafe, record shop or book shop might suit

It sounds like you've both been through the wringer 💕

I was in the same boat for the last year with my DD - ignore all 'helpful' advice from clueless neighbours/friends and trust your son, yourself and professional advice. We had a lot of pressure for DD to work in their year out, having had a v rough few years - they sound similar in personality to your son. Give him the space to find his feet, build his own routine and grow in strength before imposing anything upon him that he really doesn't need to be doing right now. It sounds as though you've had some major breakthroughs recently with him speaking to you and giving you a hug - these are the milestones that should be celebrated not him working a part-time job when he will be at school anyway. Physical exercise can be helpful - in building confidence, self-esteem and for the endorphins but it's best if he can find a sport that he enjoys doing. My DD started bouldering/climbing and I can't emphasise enough what a lovely welcoming community of people they are. And you don't have to depend upon other people to go with! Wishing you and your son all the very best for a continued recovery.