Year 13 pressures

[Banan0]

My DS is struggling with the realisation that he probably hasn’t worked hard enough in year 12 and now shit is getting real. I’m posting in this section because he really is not in a good place - saying it would be better if he wasn’t here.

I’ve had a chat with him about feelings of wanting to disappear being normal when things are difficult.

I’ve also spoken to him about taking the pressure off (including options for dropping out of A levels but neither of us think that’s the right move).

Does anyone have any advice to help me help him?

It’s doubly hard as my mental health is not always top notch in terms of being able to think positively and be motivated. I don’t blame him for feeling miserable about it all.

Does his school or college have any counselling available? Or can you pay for something to help him talk through options sensibly?

The bottom line is that A Levels are not the end of the story - and even if he does worse than he wants to there are options available to him and he could always retake them if he really feels he has more to give.

However there is lots of time between now and the exams, and doing something tends to feel better than not bothering. So can you help him draw up a plan of what he needs to do to pass with grades closer to what he wants and perhaps enlist help from school if any teachers might be prepared to talk to him and/or you?

Sorry to hear. I have a child with mental health issues and I understand how hard it is when they say they do not want to be around anymore.
When they are low they do not want to talk about the future or plan B options.
Ask him gently how you can help. Would he be OK if you talked to school or take him to GP or arranged some private counselling?
Make a list of the options that are available if things go wrong - resit, gap year, the non competitive apprenticeship (not the degree one), foundation year etc.
See if any of those will appeal.
It may not be a bad idea to repeat y12 or even y13 if the school will facilitate.
Most importantly, he needs to be made to feel it is ok even if he doesn't get the grades and something can always be worked out.
I know it's the hardest thing to stay calm when your own mental health is fragile. You have to have hope for him when he doesn't. I failed miserably at that.
Look after yourself too. I would posting the higher education or further education board as there are many knowledgeable posters some of whom are former admissions people at unis.
They are very sympathetic and offer brilliant advice.

Take care.

I'm afraid I don't have any specific advice, but my DD didn't have great MH through Y13. A combination of counselling and medication really helped and now she is a lot happier, and starting Third Year at uni. So it can all work out well!

I would also encourage him to speak to school - I know of others who have had a wobble in year 12 and re-sat the year - it can be done and may help him to refocus

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the thoughts and support. I will keep talking to him and supporting and trying to get him to appreciate he has lots of options and also lots of other things to bring happiness and satisfaction.

I’ve also said about there being lots of time but I think he’s worried about UCAS form and predicted grades etc. I know that sounds like a first world problem but I also know how important these things are at that age for them. It’s hard for them to see the bigger picture.

OK, so on a purely practical level, he should just accept predicted grades and carry on working. It is absolutely the case that if he can do better than he now thinks he will or his teachers think he will that places will come up in clearing even for courses that might normally be fairly competitive. He won't be the only child who hasn't done as much as he should in Y12 by a long shot. I know a number of young people who have got into really good universities via clearing (Bristol, St Andrews etc).

He just has one job now - well two. One is to do as well as he possibly can under the circumstances, and the other is to keep himself safe. So you should maybe have a go at writing (with him) a plan of what he should do if he feels like he might not be able to keep himself safe (he should keep this with him and look at it often if he is not feeling good).

It might look like

1. use an app or an activity to try to calm himself (there are a number of apps with eg breathing exercises, grounding exercises, calming exercises or he/you could look some stuff up on the internet and try things that might help - may take a few goes to find out what works)

2. go to the wellbeing team at school/college and explain what is going on and why he feels bad and ask for help

3. call you or another trusted family member and ask for help

There might be steps in between these things which are appropriate - you need to adjust this for your own circumstances and for what your son feels capable of. Or it might be completely different, and only you can work out what will help.

As well as this, you should talk to school/college about what is going on, either with or without your son depending on what he feels OK with. They will absolutely want to help him both with MH and with schoolwork if they can see that he wants to do well.

It looks like you’ve had some good advice here. Just to add I think it must be fairly common to feel like this in year 13. It suddenly all gets real and you realise the exams are getting closer. But if he can keep working and not panic I’m sure he’ll do better than he expects to right now.

Hey Op I saw your post on the other thread and wanted to help. I would echo what others have said, it’s very normal to have a wobble at this point. If it were me I would
a) reassure him that you’ve got his back whatever happens, you won’t be angry, shout etc, but will support
b) focus on the practical - which subject is he most worried about? Can he get extra time with the teacher, extra tutoring, revision sessions at home with you, extra textbooks, YouTube videos etc - anything to bolster learning and understanding?
c) make a revision / extra work plan; keep it realistic, not overwhelming or exhausting
d) like others have said, make a plan B - resit, repeat a year, apply again with grades in hand, look for alternative courses/ subjects with different grade requirements
e) make sure he relaxes and has some fun. It’s easy for worry to take over; better to banish some of it with a takeaway and movie night, or a kick about in the park - make sure he takes his mind off it and has chance to laugh as well. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy…
f) remind him that life is long, and very little is irreversible.