Autistic/Asperger's Teenage DD no social life

[Memeapple]

DD was diagnosed with Autism in January this year. She is best described by the old term Asperger's syndrome. She is high functioning, an early talker but has sustained difficulties with friendships. She keeps getting dropped by friends and her weekends and evenings are deafeningly silent. She mostly watches Tiktok on her own, no sleepovers, no chatting on the phone.

I feel the reason is her lack of communication skills, she tends to talk at people and come across a bit judgy. I really think she needs help with this and would really benefit from some targeted therapy but I don't know where to find it. Does such a thing exist? I know it would make her really happy to connect better with people.

My worry for the future is that without better communication skills she will end up being a lonely woman with piles of dirty washing and a sense of bemusement about how she got there.

We live in Central London

@Memeapple It's completely understandable to be concerned about your daughter's social difficulties. In my practice, I frequently see this issue, especially after the years when schooling shifted to home-based learning and there was less peer interaction. Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in equipping your daughter with social skills and in helping understand the underlying beliefs that may be holding her back. Additionally, consider meet-up groups for individuals with Asperger's and autism where people spontaneously come together to socialise. I'm sure there are available options in your area.

My DD is similar. Now 15. Diagnosed at 12. Very academic but unable to manage the social skills for friendships. The friends she has made have been is the group of neurodiverse kids at school who don't offend easily.
I worry about the future.

@VoiceinPics what kind of therapy would you suggest? @Sofabookhotchoc My DD has made friends with non autistic people. I worry that she doesn't pick up on cues. I've seen her look like the odd one out and behaving in quite a fake way with them and I wonder if they even like her.

Will have a look at meetups. But I reckon DD will run a mile!

There might be a Social Skills group she can join? They help teach social skills with a group of children with autism.

I'm not sure if that's just a Canadian thing though.

I applaud you though for recognizing this and looking to help her. Loneliness is a very hard road to walk.

My autistic dd did a social skills course for teens in Central London a couple of years ago. Pls PM me if you would like details.

I worry about this too. My son is now 19 and either goes to work or lives in his bedroom. No social life or interaction with anyone. At work he has minimal interaction with people. It makes me so sad. He was recently diagnosed with autism.

I'm wondering do you dcs want to socialise?
I'm in my 50s and now believe I have poor social skills from a combination of working unsociable hrs and possible neuro diversity.
My parents used to bang on about having friends and I found crowds really difficult.
Not everyone has the same need to socialise.
I used to find work enough people time.

Many teens have limited social life, she is still young.

I'd encourage her into lots of productive social clubs/activities and fill her time with more structured social activity. Many many people of all ages struggle with just unstructured social activity.

Therapy might help too, but it's a myth that all teens are out socialising.

What about Scouting? Adult-led, structured, sociable and life skills?

Does she mind? School/uni can be so much social interaction that they need downtime. . Does she have any special interests that she pursues out of school. I have one NT teenager and one autistic teenager they have very different social lives but both seem happy. I don’t make my austistic feel like he is missing out as he doesn’t go out much. He is busy at home doing stuff he enjoys, social interaction is mainly online gaming. They will find their own way.

Does she have a particular interest? This could help her to find people she enjoys doing the same thing with. My DD is autistic and is passionate about performing arts so has a couple of friends from a performing arts group.

Well, in the nicest possible way, she’s not going to learn social skills on TikTok, is she?

Up to you how much you want to push it. In addition to a social skills group, are there any scout or guide groups she could join? It would be ring fenced social activity that gets her out of the house. Does her school offer anything?

Hi Op, my dd was also a late diagnosed asd. She joined cadets and learned a lot of practical skills with other young people. She went over nights activities sometimes and had very good times with other cadets. She managed very well in a structural environment. Good youth leaders are very accommodating and with good skills to assist young people with special needs. My dd met a number of cadets also have asd, adhd and other special needs while she was in the cadets.

I used to worry about my child in the same way but a therapist recommended Hold On To Your Kids by Gabor Mate. I know it sounds a bit conservative but it really reassured me when it explained the goal of 'socialising' our children is a relatively new one historically and there is no evidence that children who don't socialise a lot with peers go on to lead unhappy lives. As long as they have loving adults guiding them they can be perfectly happy. My child's world will be a lot smaller than mine but they wouldn't want it any other way.

I highly recommend hobbies. My DD is involved in university hobby groups and she is having a great time. It gives the common interest that works very well. The personality traits you describe will definitely work against your DD so yes counselling and some awareness might help too. However from experience I think these aspects that make relationship skills more challenging are baked in so it is likely that they won’t be enormously flexible with them.

My DD sounds similar to yours, recently diagnosed. Therapy can be a tricky one, as autistic people can find traditional talking therapies difficult to engage with. DD has responded fairly well to art therapy. I think that even if she isn't able to talk about things, she has at least spent time doing something she enjoys (but art is her thing). She also enjoyed a forest school group for ND girls and has recently started Nordic Walking teens group. This last one is not aimed at ND teens but somehow has attracted quite a few!

I spend a lot of time researching possible opportunities, then finding a way to introduce them indirectly (as she can be resistant!)

To echo a PP, does your DD express sadness at not having friends? The things you list like being on the phone chatting are things that YOU think she should be doing.