Asd advice

[sarahd29]

Hi

We are potentially at the beginning of an ASD journey. I'm looking for advice. My son (8) has always been old before his time. He's not a conventional 8 year old if there is one, he doesn't like cartoons, Star Wars etc but he does like hornby, old fashioned films and creating stories. He plays rugby and is an inquisitive kid, willing to help etc.

During the last 6 months of last year he had an ongoing issue with an older child which escalated from
name calling to
shoving/blocking my sons route/gun gestures. My son would be stoic, never cried but did tell me the daily going's on and I kept a record. At the end of the term the HT apologised to us for the way it had been handled as she said she had never seen it before and the two children were split into separate classes.

Going in to this term, he's come out daily with this child x and that child said y coupled with being dropped by his usual group of girl mates who are doing a lot of infighting amongst themselves. He is having to navigate finding new people to play with.

I had a call with the HT today and she asked if I thought he has traits of asd because he's a black and white thinker, dislikes change in routine and likes trains (he does but plays with them once a month) he can and does empathise, if someone's upset he's there rubbing their back...it's never been bought up before.

Hes not displaying major red flags but is being old fashioned a sign of asd? He is more anxious now because his friendship group has changed, he had a lot of issue last term but he's stoic and going in happily despite this.

I am so confused, this was not an official meeting but an offhand remark I was unprepared for. There's no documented evidence to back it up. Is this how things normally go? I've asked for an email detailing what makes her think it's a possibility, and I have the option of a bupa private asssessment.

Well, for every person that has an assessment, someone has to be the first to raise concerns.
Whenever a teacher, or Early Years Practitioner, or HV, or indeed family member or friend first says something, it will be the first time, if that makes sense?
To answer your question directly, yes, it is not uncommon for a child with Autism to present as 'being old fashioned' or 'like an adult', and with this type of presentation, that alone would not give a diagnosis of course, so it is easy to say "Oh, that's just Oliver" and not start mentioning it to parents.
Now there is the additional layer of friendship issues.
Plus his anxiety.

None of these things on their own will say he does, or does not have autism, but the layering of all of them is clearly making the school think it might be worth further investigation.

There's no documented evidence to back it up. Is this how things normally go? I've asked for an email detailing what makes her think it's a possibility,

Sometimes it is just experience, a gut feeling if you like. Autism covers SUCH a wide spectrum. You can't say 'Child does X therefore he has Autism' or Child doesn't do Y so therefore he doesn't have autism' - it's just not that straightforward.

I think you'd be better arranging a meeting with his class teacher and the SENCo, and going in with an open mind to see what they say.

Thanks, I suppose what I'm saying is you're right but it was a shock. nearly 9, with this never raised before his reports have always said he has core groups of friends, is popular and he's middle road academically and of course we will explore it further we want to
do the best to help him. He's lucky enough to have Bupa and is covered for assessments but..I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for.

We are an older set of parents, he's a clever kid who is risk averse as we lost one child.

It was just such an off hand comment, in an unplanned situation about the way he feels about his friendship group (mostly girls who are getting more hormonal) and changing bffs daily.

Someone does have to be the first, but as his mum I didn't suspect it.

When first raising possible concerns with parents, there are two ways parents respond. One is "Oh, thank goodness you think so too. I've had niggling worries or concerns for years but not been taken seriously, or told I'm over anxious" or
"What? No-one has ever said anything before. I'm flabbergasted".

I think the 2nd often comes from parents of only children, and often children where there aren't similarly aged cousins. Because, quite naturally, there is not the knowledge or "what all the other 2 year olds" or "all the other 5 year olds" tend to be like, so - without comparisons - we, as parents wouldn't know this or that was unusual, or quite different from what would generally be expected of a 'typically developing 6 year old', because we don't know that many other two year olds.
Whereas an Early Years practitioner, or a Teacher works with hundreds of children in their career, and tends to have a real solid grounding of what is typically expected, and therefore will notice when a child falls outside of that 'typical range'.

In the same way that in whatever your career is, you know it inside out, and would notice details that other people might not, I presume.

Ultimately, he is the same boy today that he was last week. Your lovely ds. What you might find is that he has been 'managing' up to now, but, as puberty kicks in (for him, but also his peers), then social relationships start getting really complicated, and children's anxiety really ranks up. So it is well worth talking to the school, and seeing what they think, and thinking about an assessment.

Of course, I don't know him at all. It might be the HT is completely off the mark. But she isn't diagnosing him, she is raising it as a possibility that it might be worth looking in to. If he doesn't have it then he won't get a diagnosis.

There are plenty of children with really severe and complex needs where it is apparent from pre-school age, but there are also lots of young people who manage until puberty and then start to really struggle. It might be this is what is happening for your ds. Of course it might not - which is why it might be advisable to look in to it further.

I am so sorry for your loss @sarahd29

Thank you, interestingly I had an email from his HT today who said she had spoken to the school sendco who felt an assessment was not warranted yet. They are going to put something called the Zones in to school to help not just mine but all of them understand more about how people are feeling and do more work with them with social stories.

She apologised and said she hadn't meant me to take it that far. It was an idle comment.

All this said, we will keep an eye on it and wait. He can have an assessment for asd as we have bupa and he is covered but more likely I'll take him for help with his confidence and anxiety and see what they think.

My impression is that this is not something a teacher would say lightly. More often parents are complaining that their concerns are not being taken seriously by the school. As PP said, I think it would be very worthwhile sitting down with head, class teacher and SENDCO to discuss further. Once you’ve heard their thoughts/reasoning you can take a bit of time to process and then consider whether an assessment would be helpful.

It seems like you have some misconceptions about autistic people. We are just as empathetic as anyone else. We just process and express empathy differently. I'm a counsellor and I'm autistic.
Nobody on here can know if your child is autistic but you could do some reading that's a bit more up to date and see if it resonates.

I understand autism. have an autistic nephew with adhd and add, bf son has gds they are very different and I am listening when people say the spectrum is vast. of my son's peers have autism and we've known them for years. I also understand most of the world have traights and we are all prettt much on it.

HT mentioned "he likes trains" and in "black and white in terms of if a child is is good or bad" could equally describe any other child now has in writing said she was sorry "she was wondering out loud" not rush to diagnoses/ assessment. She never meant to cause distress.

Many of you have said it was your gut feeling. I have a gut feeling he has anxiety and to just watch and wait. It may develop further as he grows and we see more complex social relationships emerge or it may not. What I don't want to do is stress him out with appointments and plant the seed with him.

What I can say is however is what it not and he has not displayed any of the things that typical in younger children "lack of eye contact/smile/obsession with x/lack of interaction/empathy"'again (these are the internets bullet points not mine) as you'll say well I don't have x or y but I am. It's such a grey area and very confusing.

Having gone back to HT the tone has changed to "don't rush and im
sorry I was thinking out loud" we will watch and wait as she has advised. I'll keep talking to her and see what develops. In the interim some help with his friend anxieties and see.