Daughter taking my belongings /overstepping boundaries

[MumToOver18s]

I have a daughter in her mid 20s who is still in full time education and living at home. She has a job but all her money from her part-time job goes on her social life, travelling and clothes. We pay for everything for her. Her room is so messy there is no space to stand on it - dirty clothes, open make-up, sweet-wrappers, drinks with mould growing in them. I have repeatedly asked her to try to keep her room clean, but it falls on deaf ears. I am not allowed enter her room and at this stage, am happier not to go in there, it is so bad. However, she constantly comes into my room to use my hairdryer and straightener and when she is sitting at the dressing table, pokes around, uses my perfume, mascara, lipstick, leaves everything scattered around, jars of expensive cream with the lid off, bits of powder everywhere. She then rifles in my drawers, my jewellery box and takes my jewellery without asking. Problems: 1) She doesn’t ask 2) She uses them because she can’t find/ loses her own stuff 3) She could lose mine 4) I’m “selfish” and “horrible” (among other names) if I challenge her. Other Mums please help. What are your thoughts on this?

Also, get yourself a lockable vanity box, something like the link below, I had to do the same when my SD lived with us, it's not ideal but would solve the problem with using and going through your stuff.

I also bought a small safe for my jewellery

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Frenessa-Cosmetics-Jewelry-Organiser-Lockable/dp/B07XC4YY5K/ref=sr_1_9?crid=1AYPNBV9ZFHTS&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.O1kUq-OwLnvn6TpIB03nmKcuJQKHtmqd6XTELK5R-psLf53AI1wxRZNRz7ra6rqm3BncsOeEzX9KHWMf-hVe6wtRb4RoUgAk9-Yx1BQEnuiZEJBA_R5_ltm1VdSMtkRkjPeD3nQWBfK0J_IUdZlElZX489GgSWXNqF_0mBkagCfsR4NYGytBmXwxUbU1Cx95JbAb4BbLfD0nVwipob9D4AEttUe3IZyrqEFmug4GOZe8BT7wWTXEh1CDT1vsJc5K5k8HW-lSkq70s35mKmc1fosOGN3G4ezzpM9pScatV_o.dmQv2Stj8nGB5X9GMsms-6uwPCBi3sjaY6SfDpoTk1o&dib_tag=se&keywords=lockable+vanity+box&qid=1726558762&sprefix=lockable+vanity+box%2Caps%2C92&sr=8-9

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Grimtron-Small-Safe-Box-Self-Control/dp/B0D734WKBJ/ref=sr_1_3_sspa?crid=V31X4A0XNK8T&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.QHUFDUNgi76qwzAP9RWfZD7AXqpSFXhBwnwmyM2CLamd2g00l9hSnfmMY87QtKakL-9Pkz0Ch7nOdJ3fGButIflT4MNyChg0q5--7ZS-EmzfzCsevO8tOino3VED1KSgPLO3gFkSISLHhaxT6idXdY9kv032JwRdx-aEzdoaWj9PelNVVmp1Wm0kEmoZWCFbq_tU2GO7JPGyFi_0d7L5V-UlhGbjI9nuhhxl7IhhxIoXbN069QXSLxRQF4XJU5Q-QSKrnp6CMYeN93X-wsld8Poz6CVGqrl76-yBEFttIzA.nB94L4ybKJvhAPQr26KH7zryTNFDsvv4GrrU77aGgcI&dib_tag=se&keywords=small+safe&qid=1726558846&sprefix=small+safe%2Caps%2C103&sr=8-3-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&psc=1

It would help if you stop thinking of her as a child - I would ask her to leave - can she get a loan or maintenance grant if she’s a student?
She can rent a room in a shared house.
Your relationship with her can’t get much worse so start putting your needs first - having to lock your room seems extreme but her behaviour is the cause.

Both of my DDs would to a lesser extent behave like this - neither of them are neurodivergent and both manage their own homes very well. In fact, I was a bit like this as a teen too!

OP, you now need to tell your DD that your belongings are out of bounds and put a lock on the bedroom door. Also, go into her room (which is actually your room as it’s your house) and give it a good clean. Put all her belongings neatly on her bed or in a big box so you can actually give it a good clean.
Don’t tell her this when shes actually using your things, do it today when she comes home.
”Hi DD, have you had a good day? I’ve cleaned the bedroom you sleep in, and put a lock on my door. If you wish to use any of my things you’ll have to ask me to unlock it. What do you fancy for tea?”

Unfortunately, you are enabling her behaviour. Put a lock on your door.
Withold giving her any money or paying for anything until her room is acceptable.
By allowing her to continue to behave like this you are setting her up to fail in life.
Offer support, say 'How about we put some music on and tackle your room together, then afterwards we could go and get lunch?'
It might be so bad she feels overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start.

Sounds exactly my autistic sister. For a year she slept in her boyfriend’s house every night cos she couldn’t cope with being in her disgusting bedroom. For Christmas one year I cleaned her room for her and did the eight loads of laundry that came along with it and she actually kept it tidy for a few months but then her awful executive function kicked in when she was stressed about exams and it went back to how it was before.

my mum stays out of it. My sister has brought her to the brink of her sanity over the years (not my sisters fault). She values keeping their relationship and my sister out of a mental hospital more than a tidy room and her own possessions. My sister is now 24 and also in full time education in one of the hardest degrees you can do. She’s slowly making something of her life and learning life skills along the way.

but me moving out improved my relationship with her 100 times. I wasn’t worried about my own stuff (clothes, make up, food, jewellery) stolen and used/eaten/covered in fake tan.

Go into her room and clean it. Every ring into bin bags, if she wants to save anytbjng then she has to sit in front of you and hang it up.

Keep repeating, “if you want to live here then you live clean and I will come in bin anytbjng on the floor or you can move out. It’s your choice.”

Does she need help to tidy her room as it might be too overwhelming for her. It’s inconvenient for you but a lock on your door or drawers in the mean time.

she’s an adult now and needs to contribute to household fund.

The money thing - it's not doing her any favours long term. When I was a school age teenager I only had a Saturday job and all that money was my own but after Uni aged 21 when I moved home and worked full time I asked my parents about paying towards my keep. Instead they made me put money I would've put into rent into a savings account so I could go travelling and had a deposit for when I started renting with my boyfriend a couple of years later. She needs to learn that her earnings aren't just for fun stuff. If you don't think it should go towards household costs, save it in a separate account until she's ready for the next stage of her life and give it to her - for a car, a deposit, a honeymoon, whatever.

I was messy and still am messy. I thought I'd grow out of it and it's just a constant battle. I can't help with that.

Boundaries are important and it's unfair that you're worrying about your belongings getting lost or broken. It's lovely to be able to share and borrow but it doesn't sound like that's what's happening. I can't believe the way she speaks to you.

"We pay for everything for her."

Why?

Mid 20s and using the excuse of education to be living at home still.

Wonder what kind of job she's going to get to warrant all that debt and wasted time getting on in life?

What an idiotic comment. Being in education and living at home in your twenties isn’t anything unusual or wrong. And it’s not the issue here.

Most people in their twenties in education can live at home, pay their way, treat their home with respect etc.

The issue here is her behaviour, not her status in education or living at home. Education isn’t wasted time.

She's still behaving like a child because you pick up the slack. Have some self respect, because she certainly doesn't respect you.

1 - lock on your bedroom door. Do today.
2 - go through her room whilst she's out, and remove every single one of your belongings, and put them back in your locked room
3 - clean the room she currently uses and put all her filthy clothes into bin bags.
4 - put bin bags in garage or utility room and inform her that she has one week to sort through and put the things she wants to keep through the washing machine. On day 8, all items left in utility room or garage go to the dump.
4a - item 4 will be repeated once only. If you have to do it a third time, all items in bin bags will be taken straight to the dump on the day of cleaning.
5 - Write a "lease". Terms and conditions for her to remain a resident in YOUR home include: Rent will be £x, payable on x date. Shared areas will be kept hygenic and tidy. No dishes will be taken up to bedroom she uses, beyond a single mug, glass and plate. These dishes will be brought down to kitchen for washing every single day. She will treat your home with respect, and will pay her share (you can always shove it in a savings account to give her back later) of the running costs from her wages. Whatever else you feel is needed. Lease to be signed by her by x date or she will have to leave. It sounds like you both need a "contract" so the rules are laid out in plain terms.
6 - If she doesn't like or want to abide by your terms and conditions, she will be welcome to leave and will be given help to move out into a shared house within 3 months. Lets start looking at where you can live, shall we?

Honestly, she's taking the absolute piss but you're permitting this because there have been absolutely no consequences to her.

If I were in your shoes, I’d not want to discourage her full time studies, that’s a good thing. I would offer to support the costs associated with education, eg tuition fees, but not the other stuff like socialising, makeup etc. she can do that, herself.

‘The next time you go in my room and take or mess up my things, I’ll go in yours, remove all the shit, get my own things back, and start tidying it the way I want it. If you don’t want that to happen, respect my space. Or you can pay for yours elsewhere’

Lock on your door. She needs to understand she is not a teenager anymore and has to take responsibility for keeping her area clean and tidy. Does she wash her own clothes? Definitely need to start charging her rent. Otherwise tell her you are giving her one month's notice. If she doesn't comply she has to move out. At her age I had my own flat. If you allow her to live with you free and gratis she will spend all her earnings on partying and clothes. She is an adult so are you. If she starts with the name calling then perfect opportunity to tell her if she thinks you are so horrible then leave. Sometimes Mum's have to be cruel yo be kind

You allow an adult to treat you like this? No way. Get her evicted

Has she always been selfish and entitled? Put a lock on your bedroom door.

Time for her to move out really.

I have been here

stop paying for her stuff
get a lock on the outside of your door
put a bolt on the inside of your door - for when you are asleep 😴

With respect this is a grown adult who you are denying the gift of independence too. Why are you doing this? Answer yourself not me.
I wish you well.

Hoover her room, she'll scream at you, if she does it herself you'll stop. Give it a go and don't get into an argument.
Go in collect cups and dishes and pile her shit up neat and tidy on her bed...maybe she'll hate the invasion so much, she'll have to keep it to a level of decency. But do not turn into a child and fight with her, just say ok and do it once a week. Just an idea,
unfortunately it didn't work on my boys, they just think I'm their cleaner, but it worked for my friends daughter, she now lives in untidiness not squalor , but hated the intrusion, she hoovers her room once a week. It might work, but it's 50/50. Good luck I have friends who miss the now tidy, empty bedroom's being full of crap. she's not in a hurry to leave, so she obviously likes you! Just a late bloomer...

Put a lock on your door and start charging her board.

I had a tenuous relationship with my mum growing up, boundaries where clear and in place yet children always test their parents.
A plan to help your daughter is not a bad thing, as the world is a lot harder and harsher than she will be prepared for. She does sound vulnerable and mental health problems can and are challenging. I live at home at 40 due to multiple illnesses including adhd and autism we all support each other, my parents and younger sister are amazing but a plan has helped me immensely. Your daughter sounds like she struggles with organising so you could put that in your plan help her organise her room ie does she need extra storage, storage boxes, make up drawers and brush holders etc break down the tasks into manageable parts. Food and drinks are the first thing to tackle along with general cleaning. A washing bin and reminders to do her washing this is her next task.
Also instead of saying your not using my stuff or going in my room highlight how good it would feel for her to be able to have her own make up and hair station. It's about her taking responsibility but also keeping up with regular cleaning etc as this will all impact massively on her mental health.
It is challenging when your bedroom is basically a total shitshow you will go out so you don't have to deal with it.
Calm and positive but also inject some fun into the plan if things get heated try music and silly dancing etc things that will take the heat out of situation.
Sorry for the long post I hope people who say kick her out realise that doing something so harsh could have a major detrimental impact on her mental health but also on your mother daughter bond x

Mid 20s and still behaving like a teenager!? Put that mommy foot down now! I agree with everyone posting on this situation.

Absolutely!