Daughter taking my belongings /overstepping boundaries

[MumToOver18s]

I have a daughter in her mid 20s who is still in full time education and living at home. She has a job but all her money from her part-time job goes on her social life, travelling and clothes. We pay for everything for her. Her room is so messy there is no space to stand on it - dirty clothes, open make-up, sweet-wrappers, drinks with mould growing in them. I have repeatedly asked her to try to keep her room clean, but it falls on deaf ears. I am not allowed enter her room and at this stage, am happier not to go in there, it is so bad. However, she constantly comes into my room to use my hairdryer and straightener and when she is sitting at the dressing table, pokes around, uses my perfume, mascara, lipstick, leaves everything scattered around, jars of expensive cream with the lid off, bits of powder everywhere. She then rifles in my drawers, my jewellery box and takes my jewellery without asking. Problems: 1) She doesn’t ask 2) She uses them because she can’t find/ loses her own stuff 3) She could lose mine 4) I’m “selfish” and “horrible” (among other names) if I challenge her. Other Mums please help. What are your thoughts on this?

Wow.

She needs to find her own place to live, pronto.

Shes mid 20’s, you are doing her no favours by enabling this behaviour. She starts paying rent and sorts her room or she goes. And get a lock on your door in the meantime.

Did you mean to post on this board? If not you can click the three dots and report it to MNHQ and ask them to move it to parents of adult children or relationships.

Your adult daughter is treating you with absolute contempt and you and your home deserve better. She’s behaving despicably and needs to move out.

WOW and you allow this ?!!!

of course you are allowed in her room - it is your house.

clearly you need to treat her as if she were 20 years younger so you stand at her bedroom door with a bin bag to her to fill, and you continue to wait at the door whilst she collects up all the dirty dishes and you follow her downstairs and you show her where the sink or dishwasher is
then you both go to the washing machine with the dirty clothes and she is shown how it works, otherwise the dirty clothes get binned.

she does not enter your room and use your stuff, either she buys straighteners and a hairdryer or you do, she really ought to have her own.

then for the time being you put a lock on your room !

So the only way to enforce this boundary is to physically enforce it. If you put a lock on your door immediately, you are enforcing your boundary without uttering a word. She will learn a very important life lesson.

I grew up in a dysfunctional shitty family system and I had no boundaries. I wish someone in my life had some. Asking her to do something clearly doesn't work.

Does she have ADHD perchance?

I'd look at supporting her to move out after you PHYSICALLY enforce every boundary she's overstepping. Get the lock fitted this week.

Also stop paying for everything. You're being an absolute mug and you're enabling the creation of a monster.

I'd want to know that room isn't growing mould or maggots if she's untidy tbh. I'd also want rent money. It doesn't need to be much, it's the principle. You decide how much she pays. You then give her a timeline for moving out. 10 months say? That's incredibly fair.

Put a lock on your room.

Well if you aren't allowed in her room, why does she feel entitled to enter yours? You need a lock and to harden your attitude at being called selfish and horrible - both of which apply more to her than to you. If you are so selfish and horrible, I'm surprised she hasn't moved out. Funny that. 🤔

Charge her rent, if she doesn't like it she can get a room in a House share.

Taking advantage of your lack of boundaries and kindness. It will only hurt her. I struggled with this as a parent. Kids know when their mum is a mug ( I say this as a reformed mug! - most the time anyway 🤣).

I asked ref the ADHD as some of the behaviours really do remind me of that. Yes appreciate being ADHD doesn't make you a dick and you can behave badly and not have ADHD. Just a sense I get from your post.

Op I'm in a similar situation. My dd in her 20's (just been diagnosed with ADHD) is untidy and her room a tip. Also comes into my dressing room to use things (I don't mind this) but here's the thing.. she's in therapy, and in her last session it came out that I do too much for her.. was just trying to make her life easier but have learned my lesson.

I do nothing for her now at her request. She'll probably move in with her boyfriend soon so he can have the pleasure!

You need to assert your boundaries with your adult DD. Tell her the rules, she can follow them, or leave. Offer to help her find a new place and show her examples so she knows you are serious. Ignore tantrums and emotional blackmail.

She wants to move out but can’t afford it. I know she has mental health issues, but she invokes this whenever I try to tackle the situation. And believe me I try. All the time.

I gave her a hairdryer years ago and she has her own straightener, she just doesn’t want to do it in her own room because it’s so messy, there’s no space.
And I don’t ‘allow’ this. I keep telling her i am not okay with this, but to no avail.

You tell her she isn’t to go in your room and if she does….. set a clear consequence. No paying for anything if she doesn’t clear up her own mess and leave your stuff alone.

She sounds Neurodivergent to me OP. A private assessment might just open some doors for her on terms of self awareness, accessing appropriate medication. You can't force it but you can also just stop doing anything for her as leverage to consider this.

I imagine she's been told she has BPD or some other nonsensical crap and she knows something else is going on.

Get a lock for your bedroom door to make the point.

Wow, she is letting herself and you down, it must be miserable. You need a plan in place!

Write down a plan to get it straight in your head first (using some of the good advice here)

• inviter her to somewhere neutral to talk about it (a coffee shop perhaps), that way either of you can leave if you want to; it takes the pressure off.
• explain to her that you need to put in some rules in order for her to keep living with you, for the good of the whole household. Your house, your rules.

These rules might be:
1/ if she wants to be treated like an equal adult, she has to behave like one.
2/ we don't go into each other's bedrooms without asking
3/ we don't borrow each other's things without asking
4/ she has to start paying her way (perhaps start at 50% rent to soften the blow, then work up in 3 or six monthly stages, to give her time to plan.)
5/ If these are not agreeable to you, she needs to find a house share or other place to live. End of.
6/ your house, your rules.

Don't be a martyr - every time you go soft on her to be 'nice' you are literally making the rest of her life harder. She will struggle in the real world. She can't lean on you like this forever. You have to decide the boundaries, then hold firmly to them x

And yes, definitely get a lock for your door. Straight away. Show her you are serious.

Get a lock for your door. Why is she still
in education in her mid-twenties and only
working part-time? Mental health struggles are one thing but it sounds like she is taking the piss and you’re enabling her. Set some firm boundaries and tell her she needs to appreciate the roof over her head and start pulling her weight. If she’s OK to go out socialising then she should be OK to clean her room up.

You do allow it though! You tell her no, she ignores you. You’re allowing it.
Grow a backbone. She’s behaving like an immature child, so treat her like one.
Help her look for a flat share. Move her out.
In the meantime, put a lock on your door and tell her you will no longer tolerate her unacceptable behaviour.

I'd be putting a lock on my door and stopping paying for things. No matter what her difficulties she is managing the things she wants to.

I would make one offer to help her tidy her room and make sure she has enough storage etc.

You pay for everything for her and let her rule the roost. Time to put your foot down! Tell her she needs to tidy her room by X date; that she’s not allowed to go in your room because she is leaving it untidy and taking your things. I’d look for a room in a shared house for her frankly.

Sounds like she needs a reality check. A small % of her earnings going into the family pot as I'm sure her child benefit doesn't cover her loving costs.
I'd also go into her bedroom whilst she is not there and box everything up and clean it and give her a last warning to keep it clean or she will have to find somewhere of her own. She won't want to do that as she doesn't have the funds and has an easy life with you but she needs some tough love. She's an adult now and needs to behave like one. She has no rights to stop you going into her room as her room is a privilege not a right. You also need to make it very clear to her that you need some respect regarding her using your stuff and that it is not ok to do what she is doing. Ok there may be some fighting and harsh words from her but if you stick to your guns you are doing your DD a massive lesson in life to take forward with her. Good luck

could you pay for a cleaning firm to come in to tackle her room? It might help if she could start afresh. Also put a lock on your door.

not allowed in her room? while you are paying for everything and by the sounds of it she pays no board then this is technically your room, in your house

if you have tried to speak to her, and she sill not do anything then I would go into her room with black bags. I'd bag it all up, 1 bag clothes, 1 bag rubbish, 1 bags toiletries, etc and just bag the whole room up - she has been forwarned, tell he to clean the room, change the bedding and sort her bags out