Reassurance re anxiety in a 4 year old.

[Joey246]

My 4 year old who's just started school definitely has some anxiety, fear of the unknown, this is not new. Plays well with people but not a social butterfly, prefers small groups. Had major anxiety around his graduation play at nursery as he didn't like people looking at him. Sometimes get overwhelmed and clams up if adults or peers ask him questions, other times will talk to anyone and you can't shut him up!
Very confident in some ways, very shy in others.

We are obviously having screaming at school drop offs, we occasionally had it a nursery but these are breaking my heart. Mostly as all the other kids 'appear' to be fine, he's the only one screaming.

I worried for his future as he grows this anxiety will continue, what I really need is some positive stories of kids who have overcome their anxiety and gained confidence. If you've got one, please share what helped too.
I do know he's only 4, but all his friends are really confident and he just seems a bit stuck.
Thanks.

You're describing very normal behaviour. Many adults wouldn't like performing a play in front of randoms and being shy is totally understandable in new situations. I don't think medicalizing it by labelling behaviour as 'anxiety' helps. This isn't a medical issue it's a practice issue. Your DC needs role modeling and practice in these situations to calibrate their response. Just like talking on the phone. Most people hate it but after a week in a call centre you've got over it.

I had the book 'Ruby's Worry' recommended to me, ds enjoys it. I have a worrier too, and it can be easier for them if they have the language and understanding to talk about their worries.

You are describing normal behaviour. This is not anxiety.
As pp have said....not many people like to perform in front of people...do you?
I know I certainly don't! My daughter didn't want to speak in her assembly and some children just shook their head and said no...they are 5 year old. She answers questions in class when she's prompted as there's other loud characters in the class. ( I was like this, I still am in some ways, I don't like loud and overpowering people I prefer a smaller group but I am very confident in my role as a nurse practitioner and manage which is social job!)
On the other hand she has no problem performing her dance solo infront of people.
Everyone has different personalities.
I would continue to reassure them what they are feeling is normal. Everyone gets nervous!
Practice situations so he feels more comfortable.

@Putmeinsummer completely agree. But when he's the only one struggling on stage, still had meltdowns after being left at nursery he's been at for over 3.5 years and refuses to try so many things. When he does try something new he comments on how he didn't need to worry about that and he is glad he tried it. Nursery would completely agree he struggles more than most of the other kids, they implemented a worry jar just for him. There are so many other things I could bring up, I keep nudging him and have read book to try and help.

So yes, some adults struggle being on stage, everyone has strengths and weaknesses. But he does need to build up resilience, I'm doing my best to help, modelling behaviour and believe me we practice but sometimes I think that builds up the situation more in his head.
I'm really looking for stories where these kids have done it, have become more confident, have stopped worrying about things.

@MoserRothOrangeandAlmond I'm 100% aware of everything you have said. However, I can only provide a small amount of nuance to him in this post, there is far more to say and it is in the spectrum of normal in many ways. However, it holds him back in MANY situations and everything I've read said if it affects daily life it is more likely to be a problem and isn't normal. Nursery would agree he's more of a worrier, their words. Their report to the school also backs that up.

I know you are trying to reassure me, but I'm really looking for positive stories of kids overcoming their fears.

My DD is home educated so a bit different but at age 4 I literally couldn’t leave her anywhere, dance club, gym club, church group etc. I “sat in” with so many groups I was genuinely thinking I’d never be able to leave her anywhere! Things “clicked” for her around 5 and a half, and she completed a weeks club this summer doing 10-3 without any issues at all. Other kids were having a tough time at drop off and she didn’t bat an eyelid- something I wouldn’t have believed possible this time last year. Not sure if that’s what you were after but I really didn’t think we’d get to where we are now. All the best

@Zapx thank you, that's what I needed. I'm currently completely dreading holiday clubs as it is something else to get him used to.

My DD started school this term, she will be 5 in November. We have a consultation with a paediatric mental health practitioner as i raised with her GP that she displays behaviours of OCD/anxiety. He had a really good chat with her, and myself, no leading questions or anything, and agreed that it sounds like anxiety/OCD and she otherwise seems neurotypical (i know you have not mentioned this, I've just put in for clarity). Her main concerns are injuries and illnesses, she will remember cuts/bruises she had 3 years ago, she will 'check' any cuts or scrapes DP and i have, she's really invested. She also constantly asks if we are going to be late for things - school, holidays, seeing her dad on his weekends. We're not, as a rule, we're not 'late' people.

It's hard work, and you know your child and if this is something more than normal nervous behaviour. Might be worth chatting to a GP.

I think you'll create a self fulfilling prophecy here. Nursery have labeled him 'a worrier' and reinforced this with a worry box system. IME this makes it worse at this age. You're spotlighting the (very minor and normal) worries. Rather than focus on how you can make him 'less anxious' or 'less worried' look at positive framing of situations. Getting tools to get him over the threshold like a toy or book to show classmates.

Do you also hang about too? I've always found short sharp drops offs the key. Standing about for 20 mins just creates a whole 'thing' about drop offs.

@Putmeinsummer I'm doing every thing you say, past 2 days used the tool to get him over a threshold. The worry box wasn't just for him. You're not in my life so you can't comment on them being minor when they affect daily life and there multiple aspects to it. I've given a brief snippet, there is a lot more to say.
And no, since he started nursery, if he's got upset, its been "cuddles for 3, one..two...three... I love you and will see you later" and I'm gone. I don't show him it affects me, don't ask leading questions. Spin the positive, praise if he does try something new and loves it.
I know everything is in the spectrum of normal but it affecting daily life is not.
I'm looking for positive stories, if you've got one, great....

My DS is now 11 and just started secondary school. He was always confident and chatty at home so we only noticed his issues once he started preschool. He actually developed selective mutism and didn't talk for the first few years at school. As well as this he was just generally very anxious about a million different small things. Even the thought of handing something in to the teacher would have him crying before school. As you can imagine this made school challenging for him.
However, things improved over time. It was a slow process and he needed the support and understanding of his teachers. He just gradually got better, made friends and grew in confidence.
He's now 11 and still a shy and anxious child but so much better than before. I was dreading his first weeks at secondary but he his amazed me by taking it all in his stride. No tears, he's just getting on with it.
Hopefully your son won't be as affected by anxiety as my son - but even if he us, he'll be OK. Children grow in confidence and resilience. It's very normal for a 4 year old to be fearful and anxious.

My daughter was like that when she started school, super anxious and needed a lot of support from the school at drop off as she would get very upset. She improved slowly and by 8 is so happy and outgoing and social.

My Dd was like this at one point I had to sit inside gymnastics while the oher parents sat in the viewing area. It was difficult. Went on for a year and a half. She was happy at nursery until she switched to a new preschool and the teacher had to literally drag her off me (took something like 6 weeks of this before she settled and then she was running in really loving it). I felt awful she was lying on the floor crying.

The thing is we kept on going to clubs etc and I slowly moved away and kept doing it and then one day she just walked in by herself and didn’t look back. Persist,I think the clubs really helped her because it eventually clicked that she can be on her own and she’d be fine. We also had regular, “do you remember when you were scared of x and then you gave it a go and you loved it” chats. Build a bank of experiences you can refer to to demonstrate to him that he can do stuff and he was fine.

Also totally normal for kids not to want to do the school play stuff, it’s terrifying, a few just sat down through DD’s because they didn’t want to engage.

How is your child now ? Mine is the same gets anxious when it was his first sports day at nursery , nursery parties as he thinks he will have to dance at hates it. I think it’s fear of the unknown or change in routine I don’t know. Pls update me @Joey246

I have a child who a worrier, I am one too. My child cried and was upset at school performances and refused to meet the eye of or talk to teachers in the mornings in reception - year 2. They also started doing certain rituals around year 3-4 like needing to touch certain toys at bedtime or developing elaborate bedtime routines, just needing one more wee etc. My other child is completely different.

One thing that has helped is keeping a consistent school, informing them of what’s going to happen tomorrow, next. Reassuring them that it’s ok to feel how they feel on the inside but that they have to have a go at things even with a bit of worry. Such as keep going to school and speaking to people. Framing ‘worrying’ as nothing that’s wrong with them, but something they can do, or choose not to do/limit, and that they can practice and get better at talking to people. That some people are good at going into school or performing or talking without trying and other people are good at, other things, like concentrating on doing a puzzle, so they can to practice and work on these skills that are a challenge at their own pace, and that they can be learned. If they didn’t answer or join in straight away, id say “oh they just need some time to have a look around and warm up first” to take the pressure off. They then would adapt and get comfortable.

I would say that although my child (at 10) is still a worrier, they have learned to do things like go into a new situation without me, perform on stage, approach others to make friends, talk to teachers and advocate for themselves - ok some other kids have been able to do this with ease since reception, and at that time I probably compared my child to them…however I now see more of the things those children are less good at or that their parents struggle with.

@bowlingalleyblues thank you! My boy is only four and thing that meant to be fun he is panics - last day of nursery party for example. Are you able to share what things you did to help?

I try to explain why it’s rains and offer umbrella wellies etc! Parties I have explained it’s just for fun and means nice snacks and activities. Sports day I explained it doing some exercise in the garden at nursery! Once he see what it is he is fine he just builds up so much worry before hand. I wish I could help him I wish I had a magic wand x

@Joey246 pls update how your child is now ? Pls as mine is exactly the same never read a post I can relate to so much !

@s22 Sorry for the delay, I've just picked the message up in my emails. So......much better, school has been transformative, don't get me wrong, there are still issues but there have also been major improvements. From the nurrsery boy who avoided group activities, struggled to engage in speaking in front of a group, got teary when peers spoke to him and his graduation celebration and performance resulted in weeks of anxiety for him.
At school, he's still shy which is completely ok, he struggled and cried through the school Christmas performance (he's always been stressed about people staring at him, of getting something wrong and they laughed at him). He did his school assembly (which had caused stress at the beginning of the year) brilliantly, engaged and not crying. We started him in Jan at a theatre school to help too, in June he performed a far bigger show that I had appreciated, in front of 340 people at a proper theatre. No the most engaged, but took part and he DID IT!!!

He has a bestie and a circle of friends and has learnt loads. He will still struggle trying new things, food and activities that I know he would enjoy, I'll also probably appreciate this in the teenage years. 😂He's shy but doing better than he has been. The dropping him off at the school gates was truly horrific, terrified screams from him, but that resolved after a week and he runs in now. I hope that helps.

@s22 We had similar struggled at parties, had sat and not engaged with 2 football parties, he's getting better. I had to go round a softplay with him, October half term, he was suddenly happy to go in by himself. He would never sing happy Birthday to anyone, now will do.

He ask adults for help now, where he would struggle to ask for the toilet at nursery and they gave him a special card to use instead. He'll struggled to tell his teacher about his stage school performance, but with a bit of help he did. He's much better at tackling new things as long as there's been an explanation but very much room for improvement still.

Asking him how a situation might feel and what he can do to help, he discovers solutions and feels in control, with my help. We have "happy breathing" we practice if he's nervous. I read My Happy Mind book. We talk about when he's been brave, in fact I tell all his soft toys at bedtime when he's done something amazing with him listening.