I’ve been with my husband 23 years (since school) married only 6.
we’ve been through a lot, baby loss, mental health episodes, job losses, hard money times, kids mental health and referrals etc and good times too. But the good times seem to be getting less frequent.
Hes always kind of been selfish and out for himself although has been there for me through lots. He’s not a big talker or communicator and never has been I knew this, but it’s kind of waring on me now.
there is a lot that has brought me to this “place” I am at the moment.
I have always worked whether it’s part time or more full time at different times, he’s been very on and off with jobs throughout our relationship but recently has managed to keep a job long term. I’m also main carer for the children (5 of them -21-17-14-10-7) and even when he’s in the house it all falls to me including actual caring (bedtimes, dinner, homework, all school appointments, etc) but also all the emotional work that comes with neurodiverse children and mental health issues.
we had an issue with our now 21 year old son, who had moved into his girlfriends house about 6 months ago where there had been a family argument in girlfriends house (not my son) and I had been talking it out with our son, talking solutions and generally talking through his feelings (he’s ADHD) him and his dad do not have the closest relationship (because. Don’t think his dad has built one really with any of the children just in daily life) our son reached out by text to his dad to talk (which was big for him) and his dad replied a one work answer and left it at that. When I questioned him later and said that was a big thing to reach out to you and you sent one word? My husband said “we’ll I was at work” I tried to explain to check up with him after work then and it’s important to have a connection and ask his regularly how he is/ what’s going on with him, he didn’t even listen he was looking at his phone.
Our daughter (17) has been going through some issues and has now had an appointment with CAMHs and been diagnosed as having an eating disorder and will be having to go through a lot with her and trying to get her back to full physical and mental health. Came home from her appointment yesterday where she had to have an ecg, blood tests and all sorts of other tests and was eager to talk to her dad about it when he came in from work (he knew she was having the appointment that afternoon) but he kind of blanked her as he came in looking at his phone yet again. He left the room and went through to his “man shed” and it broke my heart that she said “he’s not interested” how many times do I need to tell him how important it is to have that connection and listen to your children?!
I worry how it affects them and their mental health, it definitely is reflected in the relationships they have/don’t have with him. I always thought I was doing the right thing having mum and dad in the home but will I be resented and does it hurt them more for him to be here than to not be here. I personally don’t think the relationship/communication will be any better if he wasn’t but can I tolerate/allow this or am I overreacting?
he’s not a bad person but at the same time why can’t I get through to him about this?
these are just two instances lately they are not stand alone events, it’s a constant theme. He knows all about my sons argument now and my daughter’s appointment but only because I’ve filled him in not because he’s talked to them to see how they are doing, it’s like that’s my job to sort it all and then fill him in…