Has nursery caused long-term damage

[laurabaker]

Hi all,

I’d be so grateful if anyone has any advice.

My second child finds nursery hard and I’ve been struggling mentally because of it. I started her at 12months 3 days a week and she is now 21months. She still cries sometimes at drop off, or if she doesn’t she won’t look happy being left.

The staff say she’s ‘fine’ during the day, but report that she is quiet.

She has had many nursery bugs and it obviously all affected her sleep a lot.

I think setting is fine for some kids but there are a lot of children in her class, and different staff members. I think it has been tough for her, and ultimately I would much rather have moved her to either a nanny or childminder, but we are planning to move this year which is why I didn’t change settings.

I feel like since she’s started she has lost confidence - become so much clingier to me in new settings, lacking confidence in trying new things.

I have huge regret about it and when I think about her being there and all the times she cried, I just burst into tears and have huge heartache.

I am crying every day about it and I think I must have some PTSD regarding the whole thing. (As a child I went to 3 mornings a week of preschool and still remember now hating it and ending up pulling my hair out because of being so stressed. So I’m sure some of the way I feel is related to my own experiences).

When we move I will of course look for a new setting for her but that isn’t possible for the next few months.

if anyone has any words of wisdom or experience with this I’d be so grateful. I’d like to know how to help her in the future to boost her confidence and also how to help myself. Also if anyone experienced similar and how things turned out for their children. I’m so worried it’ll have caused her long term separation / anxiety issues.

Laura

Sounds like a normal toddler to me? They all cry and have a clingy stage.

That doesn't sound normal clingy to me, it sounds like an unhappy child.
Op it sounds so difficult, I feel for you. You mentioned moving soon, is there anyway you could move your daughter to another nursery sooner? A good nursery is worth the travel/price. I think I would just be hoping that she settles well in a new place and just know that there are some amazing nursery staff who will work wonders with her ❤️ I don't think anything is permanent if you can get her into a happy setting.

Hey Laura

This was my DD. I left her there for a year till my elder DD moved to school and then moved her to a smaller more intimate nursery which she loved. She is now 15 and I can safely say it has not affected her at all. She has always just been a bit more of a homebody but I think that's just her personality.

I'd try and move her but don't beat yourself up in the meantime she will be fine.

Move to a childminder.
I think they can be a lot better if you get a good one.

This is so heartbreaking.
It might be worth exploring other options if she still doesn't seem happy there.
I don't think crying at drop off is a red flag as they often cry. But if she doesn't seem happy or herself at the evenings and weekends that's a worry.

Thank you for your kind responses, and to JustAnotherDayWorkingAtHome im so glad your daughter is happy now and unaffected.

When we move I will probably take time off work for a while so I will take her out of nursery and have her at home until I can find a setting I feel confident with. She’ll be around 2 years old when I do that.

Does anyone have any thoughts on whether it would be a good idea to have her at home for a bit to help repair any damage caused? Or best to try and find new childcare soonish?

Ps please get some counseling for yourself as if you're suffering from untreated depression this will do your daughter more harm. You need to focus on self care as having a happy mum will help her be more resilient and able to cope with childcare

Try not to project how you felt about nursery into your daughter. However it sounds as though that setting may not be best for her, that doesn’t mean another one would be the same. I would try a different setting and see how she gets on elsewhere but I feel a lot of your guilt is based on your childhood memories. Just remind yourself that many many children love nursery and it gives them many more experiences

Agree that doesn’t sound normal and that she’s not happy for a reason… can you change settings? For me and friends this has helped in similar situations.

It doesn’t sound like she’s very happy but I don’t think any damage will be long term. A new setting might work out better but I’m certain she will bounce back x

Mine cried every single day at nursery. Had to be dragged off me most mornings.
I moved her to preschool age 3 and she thrived. Walked in on her first day of school without a backwards glance and now aged 8 she’s one of the most confident kids I’ve ever come across (more confident than her older sister who loved nursery and never cried)
Even if you wait until you move she won’t be damaged. She won’t even remember

Neither you nor your DD is happy. Unless you address this situation, it will haunt you forever. Not suggesting it will haunt her, but who knows for sure?

My son couldn’t cope in nursery, fast forward a few years tears and he was diagnosed autistic. He has never been able to cope in noisy settings or large groups, but he did well with a childminder and he’s very happy in a school that’s very calm.

I’m not suggesting that your daughter is the same, but if you found preschool very difficult it’s possible that both you and she are prone to anxiety or have some autistic traits. It isn’t necessarily you “projecting” on to her because these things can be genetic.

Nurseries vary a lot, you may find she thrives somewhere that is less chaotic and provides more structure.

This is so sad. Is there any way you can cut her time down atall.

Some children do not like the noise of large nurseries. Kids screaming, babies crying is an awful noise. It makes me really anxious!
She may be a natural introvert and this is depressing her.
My kids did much much, better with a childminder.
I know you can't change things at the moment but at least you know going forward.

My eldest went from a confident, brave toddler who'd toddle happily off the dge of a pier into the sea if we didn't physically stop him, to a shy, cautious, clingy little boy in that same time period, but he loved nursery throughout despite the odd wobble at drop-off. Their personalities and sense of danger are developing so much at that age and clinginess/ nursery reluctance is really normal. It's hard to know how much is normal development and how much is nursery not being eight for her, but either way it won't have done permanent damage.

Thank you everyone for your support, it’s so helpful to hear your views!

Go with your instincts and you'll not go wrong 🥰

It sounds like a very bad idea OP. She will get used to the idea that home=safe and childcare=the opposite. Then you will have the same problem when you have to send her again.

If I were you, OP I would move your dd to another setting. She hasn't settled at this one and isn't happy. So it's not the right fit for her.

As someone who has used many nurseries for my 4 children over the years, I do think that there will be a better one out there. Maybe try to find a smaller one with a more child centred approach. One nursery can be so different to another and you don't necessarily need to move her to a childminder.