I’m loosing my Teenage Daugher

[Shell2024]

orry for the long post, but I am desperate for advice

My 14 year old daughter used to be extremely well-behaved and we were extremely close.

I always tell her I love her and try to cuddle her but she just pushes me away

Since she started secondary school, she is like a completely different person. She is so angry argumentative and so disrespectful.

The only time she is nice is when she wants money or needs something.

She is extremely well looked after , I give her age appropriate independence , she has a nice clean home, home cooked meals and clean clothes.

The only thing I ask her to do is to clean her guinea pig out and keep her room tidy. (Refuses to do both)
After asking her about five times and her making every excuse under the sun, it causes an argument.
At the weekend, she can lie in bed till 4pm ish, I lose count how many times I go in to get her up stating she is wasting her day.

I have another daughter who is nearly six who has just been diagnosed with ADHD. I have a lot of health problems which causes me extreme tiredness and physical pain. Being a single parent I am finding this very hard at the moment but at the end of the day I chose to have them so I just get on with it as I have no choice and I do love my children very much.

My daughter has stated that she hates me and she does not want to live with me anymore . She shouts and screams at her sister which makes my younger daughter cry, she just has no time for her at all.

She has a lot of anger issues and has also self harmed (I think this was due to a boy) she also gets angry with her friends and when they retaliate she rings me up at school shouting to pick her up but every time I try to talk to her about it she states she does not know what is wrong and it is not me it is her and everyone is annoying her. Then I also get that it is me.
I have asked her to tell me and she point-blank refuses as she said I will go mad and shout at her . I have reassured her even if I am upset and angry to what she has to say I will not shout and be understanding and that I would rather her tell me so I can make it better so she can start feeling happy again.

I have even got her teenage counselling as I thought it would be better her taking to a stranger, I am doing everything possible to help her and to try and make her feel better

I do not have a good relationship with her father as he point blank refuses to talk to me and even has my number blocked. We did get on before he started his new relationship. We separated 12 years ago, I have done nothing at all for him to feel this way about me apart from refusing to get back with him when we split up. I have even asked him to be amicable with me for the sake of our daughter and the response I got was he will never get on with me.

I get on with his girlfriend really well. I even bought the two childen they have together presents when they were born and I always buy birthday and Christmas presents from my daughter for them as his girlfriend is very good with my daughter so that is just show my appreciation. I had a birthday birthday party when my daughter turned 13 and had a room with karaoke. I even invited her father his girlfriend and the children and was even on karaoke with his girlfriend and playing with his children but he still refuses to talk to me.

Her father has not been the best in the past when she was younger when we were together he had no patience and never even changed a nappy, he only used to have her every other weekend and some weekends he used to make an excuse not to come.
I do admit these past 12 months he has actually been better but he still does let her down now and then.

I went to collect her today from my sons who is 25 as she went there after school when I told her to come straight home but again she chose to ignore me , She has stated tonight that she does not want to come home as she hates it and she wants to live with her father. She has ended up staying at my son’s house after refusing to get in my car for 20 minutes.

There is so many things that has happened. I have found vape pens which I have went mad about. She does not come home straight after school. I ring her, She does not answer. She never tells me where she is going or what she is doing.
I went away Saturday night and my mother went in my house and my daughter was in with about eight of her friends boys and girls drinking when she was supposed to be at her dad’s.
She has not apologised or anything and won’t talk to me about it
It’s like she thinks she is an adult living under my roof.
Her father gives her far too much freedom and a lot of the things are not age appropriate then I get accused of smothering her too much and that’s why she hates me and doesn’t want to live with me.

I am an extremely good mother to my children as well as being a very responsible parent. I feel like I can’t win either way, I get called for being too much of a caring responsible parent and that I should let her do more but if I was a bad parent, I would still get called.

She has told me she has even looked on the Internet if it went to court that the court would go with what she wanted to do.

Her father has his own business and has not paid me any maintenance for one year. I have not asked him for it the past month anyway as she has been staying one week with him and one with me (even though she doesn’t as she will go to my sons or stop extra at her dads as she said she hates it here) it’s only fair but he still owes me a lot of money.

She lies constantly and she has caused a lot of trouble these past few months.
She gaslights me, which makes me question myself like I am delusional.

I have lost my daughter and I really do not know what to do. I do not want her to live with her father as it would absolutely kill me and I know I would loose her completely.

She is doing really well at school she is in all the top sets and classes and the feedback at parents evenings is always fantastic so I know her schoolwork is not being affected by what is going on which makes it even more strange to why behaviour is like this if that makes sense.

I would just like some feedback on what others would do in my situation as I’m at a loss

Sorry for the long post

Do you make your daughter feel treasured and appreciated. Verbally. Do you do any nice things together (films?) and do you chit chat about your day over meals or when driving or in passing? Try building a warmer more positive bond, this is far more important then nagging about cleaning or oversleeping. Find things you like and appreciate about her and tell her in detail. She is transitioning into adulthood so yes there’s a lot for her to navigate. Remember everyday is a fresh new day, don’t hold grudges about past behaviour.

Hi, yes I’m always trying to cuddle and kiss her. I do ask her to join me to pick a film or come for a walk and go for a drive out in the car and a little shopping and she just refuses. I try my hardest to make a fuss of her but she just refuses.

That sounds really tough. I'm just coming out of the other side of loosing my DS in the same was 15-17 he was absolutely foul.

He would argue, shout, refuse school and college, sulk, vape, drink and party and was generally awful, I really thought I'd lost him as I actually stated to dread him being around.

I had to step back and allow him to navigate the feelings he had, if I was in the kitchen and he came in mostly looking to be rude, I'd walk away, if he spoke to me and was rude I'd say "I'll talk when you are polite" I didn't shout, nag, raise my voice.

He knew I was there, I told him I do love you but right now I'm struggling to like you, I'll be here for you if you need me.

It's twice as hard for you, so just sending some strength and hugs for the next few years, they do come back.

Does she enjoy being cuddled and kissed? I hated it at that age (still don't like it much, actually) and my mother "always" trying to do it would (and did) drive me away.

You’re the problem. She’s 14, not a toddler. Give her freedom. Why do you need so much control? Let her live with her dad, if she wants. Why does she need to do every single thing you say when you say? To me, it sounds like a sure fire way to have a child who will go no contact. And by the way, no good mother has to say they are a good mother. You sound like you’re overcompensating.

Does your older one have undiagnosed adhd?

At 14 many teenagers are starting to pull away from their parents.

They are more interested in their peers at school and developing as their own person than pleasing their parents.

If she has the option of living with her dad then you have significantly less power.

At this age (and at any age really) she doesn't care about a nice clean house. She isn't going to be grateful for your parenting - very few teens are.

I'd suggest reading this book:

blackwells.co.uk/bookshop/product/Get-Out-of-My-Life-But-First-Take-Me-and-Alex-Into-Town-by-Anthony-E-Wolf-Suzanne-Franks/9781788163828

Sounds like your average teenager. It is a difficult time for her as well as you, so you need to find a way to navigate through this phase. But remember it is just a phase and it too will come to an end. I found my son was like this until about the age of 18, it wasn’t great but we got through it. I found just taking a step back helped and also trying to keep a sense of humour at times.

I have a 16yo dd. At 14, your dd isn’t going to want to be cuddled. Her world is all about her and her friends, boys, music, make up etc. Her attitude aside, which tbh is common in teens, the most concerning things you’ve raised is that her dad treats her like an adult and she has self harmed.

It is unlikely that you’re losing your dd. She’s going through a phase of growing away from you in order to grow up. It’s biologically necessary for her to take these steps to find herself and become an adult. I understand what it feels like to have the rage and hatred from your child. My dd has anorexia and she’s an angry anorexic. I am getting the brunt of the anger and in the beginning it was difficult to stay calm. Now I just don’t react when she tells me things like ‘every day I wish you were dead’ and calls me ‘vile’ etc. But I don’t have a younger child, that must be hard.

As for your teen dd going to her brother’s house, is that really such a bad thing? Is he a good influence? Unless he’s a bad influence, that than going to a house party etc.

Parenting teens is largely by consent. It is now time to start negotiating with your dd. That includes not necessarily coming straight home after school. At your dd’s age, mine was regularly going to the park. What does she want? Losing the plot because she has brought a vape home isn’t going to help. So find what’s going to help. And that is staying calm. Being a rock. She is much more likely to listen to you if you listen to her.

I understand you’ve got counselling for your teen. It will probably take a time for her to even engage with this as I imagine she’s not going willingly and trust needs to be established with the counsellor. A big part of this is you and your reaction to her behaviour. She wants you to react. If you don’t give her the reaction but create cast iron boundaries, there eventually wont be anything for her to push against (even if she pushes more in the short to medium term). For this, it is likely you will need therapy.

You mentioned that you are unwell yourself. I’m in the same situation. I am too ill to work. I have chronic pain, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. My dd was very attentive to me when younger and could always see when I was losing energy, right from the age of 3 when I became really ill. So underneath it all, she’s very loving and probably took my health on board too much. My limitations have been very hard for her over the years.

This leads me to her anorexia, which is caused by a number of reasons. And part of that anorexia is caused by having an ill mum. That doesn’t in any way make it my ‘fault’. And I’m only telling you this because your dd may feel the same way. And if she does, she likely feels very conflicted and confused. So if you are able, I would get that therapy for yourself.

Has she suffered any trauma OP? You mentioned that she self harmed after some relationship with a boy. Any idea what happened?

Is she still having the counselling?

there is much mention in your post of her dad.
that is an issue for you.
the rest is familiar
but no need to kiss and cuddle her op,
just meet halfway with a shared interest, ie, tv programmes,
she and you will get through it in time

Hello OP. I was extremely similar to your daughter at that age. Properly horrible moody ungrateful unpleasant and unreasonable. I also treated my mum like shit. Your description actually made me smile as it as me to the letter, in fact I was likely worse.

Good news though I grew out of it by my 20s and I regret my ways entirely. I make a lot of effort with my family now and we are much closer. I am a completely different person and I hope I’ve made up for what a nightmare I was. They mean the world to me and I show it.

I’m sure it’ll all work out in the end.

Even down to the daddy issues and self harm, are you my mother?!

Mine is 12 and suddenly gone the same way. It was upsetting and out of the blue but i let her go to her dad's and i'm keeping out of it. Fact is, he lets her do whatever she wants and she's always going to go for that. I'm not that strict but i dont agree with being up all night and never washing 🤦‍♀️ i can see him getting sick of her and her missing all the nice things i do for her and he wont before long!

You have to accept you are not one of her favourite people currently. I'd lower expectations on her room. Her choice if she bothers with Guinea pig, if she mistreats it give it away.

Have a curfew so she knows when to be home.

For extreme rudeness, disobedience I'd revoke privileges- phone etc. not for long just a night . But be clear on boundaries and what's acceptable.

Continue to offer to spend time with her -meals, shopping, film etc if she says no fair enough. But respect her personal space don't force her to cuddle etc.

Try not to take it personally, get her counselling if she needs it and if she does talk to you be supportive not judgemental. Let her know you are there to help.

I think you need to give her more space. Trying to kiss and cuddle a teenager who is pushing you away isn’t the answer.

Does she need to come straight home from school? I’d try giving her more freedom and having lower expectations otherwise you will be constantly at loggerheads.

If a lot of time when she walks through the door you’re asking why she’s late/where she’s been, telling her to tidy her room etc. It makes it difficult for home to be a positive environment.

Re the vaping, if you’ve already explained the harm of it then let this one go. You telling her off or even explaining calmly won’t make any difference.

I’d sit down with her and have a calm conversation about boundaries that have to be firm like caring for her guinea pig, communicating with you if she’ll be late so you’re not worried etc. and then leave it at that. Guinea pig will have to go to someone who wants to look after it if she won’t.

Then take a step back.

Only thing that does stand out in your post is that she is upsetting her friends a lot. This is more unusual teenage behaviour. I wonder if she has ever been assessed for asd or adhd just to make sure that support is in place if either of these apply.