2 young kids and 45 year old difficult behaviour

[Eeyoresnow24]

Hi, I'm just wondering if anyone is in same situation or similar to I am as I need to talk to someone as I have no one.
So nearly 2 years ago my partner had a call from his kids birth mother and she went on to say that social services was at her house and going to take the kids. He went I stayed as I thought it be something of nothing and she's just being her drama queen self. But hours went by and then all of a sudden my partners son walked in to the kitchen saying that they got to stay with me. Next his daughter came in and was really upset. I knew it wasn't good and especially when my partner looked at me. My partner, socail services and the police had to remove them from her care for neglect and abuse. The house was absolutely disgusting with mould and living crawling things in the fridge, floor, worktops etc. Basically you would worry about a fly living there. We knew she was lazy, selfish and would rather be on her own with her friends but we didn't realise so much was going on or she was that bad. Someone reported her apparently 2 people. 1 susposed to had been her elder daughter by someone else. The case is still ongoing and we haven't heard anything for ages which is really hard. My partners daughter was given a mobile and I went on her phone to do usual safety check and found horrible pics of the state of the house. Basically they was locked in thier rooms with no access to the bathroom so had to do thier business in thier rooms where ever they could. Socail services explained that soon as door was open you could smell it all. Absolutely disgusting to think it's OK to bring up 2 young children like that. Best thing is she told me she just fell behind and blamed me and my partner. Always blames everyone else and never takes any blame. The rooms was not bedrooms as the beds was broke, had mouldy sheet on, couldn't see the floor from rubbish including old food (don't let food upstairs mind) her garden was disgusting to with rats, glass, rubbish everywhere. She said she didn't want to pick the glass up as she didn't throw it and she didn't want to cut her self (so it was OK for kids to cut themselfs which they did) seen pic and kids never told us a thing about the state of house or cutting themselfs or even being left on thier own to go out with friends. The thing is we had them every other weekend which was set by her and in school hols for 2nights (kids didn't want to stay longer) we took her to hospital appointments for kids etc. She even had the nerve to ask for more. She wanted the kids for money and that's exactly what they was to her and my partner was her slave. I knew she couldn't be trusted etc but my partner couldn't see it tidy until now. She stole over 6 grand and that's not including kids benifit money. She lied to us for months saying she isn't having kids money but I caught her out. My partner is so angry but being civil a miniute for kids. She's gone back on seeing the kids and as she kept letting them down they now don't want to see her. She couldn't afford to see her own kids but she can afford to go out with friends, have taxis, have nails done etc. She don't see plays, sports days etc she says she didn't know about it (crap) she's still on the school app and she bothers with mums from school. We have to see every minute of every day the damage she has done to them as they can't cope with anything. Emotions they have no idea, they don't know simple hygiene routines they need to do every day. Washing, brushing hair and teeth etc. The boy has been diagnosed with early mental health trauma we think he's autistic to. The girl has definitely got issues with mental health as she can change in seconds. She is even violent against me and they both either bug or hurt my pets. Yesterday Sunday 16th the boy threw nearly 9 of our cats in pond including the little kitten. I was out the front cleaning our car as the dog was sick and he was ment to be watched by his dad. His dad then thought he was with me until he got up and saw him. I love them all to bits but I'm sick and tierd of the disrespect from them and especially hurting my baby's. Iv never lived in such a cluttered house and Iv been a single mum with pets for ages before my current partner. 1 reason I can't have a child with my partner as I honestly don't think it will be safe. My partner is falling apart with fibro, ptsd, etc so mostly me dealing with it all. He has seizures now and again so I try not to argue or stress him out but it's so so difficult for us both. We never used to argue but now it's all we do. We have no real help we doing a course at the moment but be done soon. Don't feel like it's enough.I really feel for my 18 year old as he has to hear kids all the time early in morning and late at night. I'm tierd of fighting and I feel so alone. I feel trapped and stuck and I'm not happy. My partner is a good man just he comes with all bad stuff.

Any help advise be great please guys
Xx

How much therapy are the children having? Is your home calm? Do you have daily routines? Do they have hobbies they attend weekly? How much does their dad talk to them and play with them? Does he read with them every night? Theyve had such shitty, shitty parenting they have massive trauma. They are the victims.

what do their days / weeks look like?

The kids just finished a course now and waitng to go for play therapy. We doing the same course to as we need help to deal with thier behaviour etc. Our home is calm sometimes but then they argue over absolute anything and everything between them is a competition even who's first to get ready for school. 1 was birth mums favourite and every time they did something wrong said sorry they was given rewards by her dad would say no treats until tomorrow etc but she always undermined him. We have a routine, we have space for them to calm etc. They won't go to after school clubs we have tryed. They do however go to club when it's school holidays it's expensive but worth paying it. They love it now but didn't want to go first the girl struggles to leave me. There's alot of jealousy with the girl as she don't like me talking to anyone not even my hamster. She's so jealous. The boy wants to be a weather man so we keep trying to find stuff for that and then the girl wants to be a police officer. We in courage it as they never had interest before in them or what they like. Mostly they want me as dad has always been there with them they want a mum and now they know they got it. Don't read at night with them but we should start I think.

“My partner is falling apart with fibro, ptsd” and between you have 3 children, dog, hamster, cat and now kittens. I think this is reason enough to not bring in anymore children or pets for that matter into a family home.

Yes I know Iv stopped rescuing ages ago and also not going to have our own kid.

Does your partner work? Can he take one CV ild and you take the other and separate then getting ready to stop the fighting?

He can't work due to him having daily seizures and everything else. I'm his carer and he can't be left alone. He really trys and he does stuff but it's very difficult as he's in so much pain and medication don't work and it can't be changed as it's a risk. We do try to do various things and use different ways but 1 of them always got to start. We have a really long way to go as they not even started play therapy yet.

Have you tried a combination of explanation and bribery? Maybe an explanation to them combination of how much you care about them plus the state of their dad's health, and a star chart for every (morning/afternoon/evening whatever period seems appropriate) with a reward within your means (an experience, a treat, a thing) after a certain number of stars. Make it clear that stars are for not responding to provocation as well as for not provoking.

Yes hun I have a star system on going. We just completed the aces course so got couple things from that to help. It's really difficult and so not fair on kids or any of us.

Honestly if the animals aren’t safe then re home them and focus on the kids. That will take one lot of stress off. I know thats a big thing to suggest but it may be the best for them. The kids are clearly really traumatised, their mum is awful frankly.

So sorry to read all that, sounds so tough for you all but it sounds like they’re lucky to have you in their lives 💐

How long have you been together and how old are you?

Some people in this situation will stand by their partner.
Some people will leave.

Do what is right for you.

Yes she's something alright.

It's been over 4 years we been together. I did try to help them and thier relationship but she was to selfish. The kids was walking money for her and my partner her slave basically. We was ment to only be friends but as it was over with my partner and her ages before I came along and it got worse where they all lived we ended up getting close. I'm 44. Yea not many people like me to be honest others would have left ages ago.

Yea they are and I guess I'm lucky to even though it's really difficult. Thank u x