My 8 year old is binge eating

[MamaE01]

My son has a healthy BMI (although I take BMI with a pinch of salt), absolutely loves fruit, veg and lean meat and has always had a fab diet. Growing up my relationship with food was dire and I have suffered years of binge eating, weight cycling, yo yo dieting etc. It has taken me years to recover from this and I still wouldn't say I was 100% there. As a result, I don't restrict my children. We have a drawer that they can access and it contains a mix of different foods. We dont label anything bad or good and so far it has worked.

I'm not sure if my son is having a growth spurt or if it's his hormones but he is very emotional as of late and says he feels sad. This has impacted on his diet massively and he is eating a lot of sugar. It is stressing me out a lot. He has been poorly (had surgery and on and off illness for a few months now) so maybe some of it is boredom and frustration but I don't know what to do for the best.

If I make a big deal of it, I feel I am doomed to pass on the shit I had to endure as a child when I was made to feel like the greediest and most repulsive child ever if I asked for a biscuit.

Today he's had
Breakfast:
A bowl of strawberries and a satsuma
1 slice of toast with jam
A yoghurt

Lunch:
Ham sandwich
Bread sticks
Soft cheese
Half a cucumber
A carrot
Some cheese
An apple

Tea:
Pasta with cucumber, tomatoes and pepper

Supper:
Banana and yoghurt

Snacks (half of which are sneaked out of the drawer without me knowing until I find the wrappers)
Half a bag of haribo
1/4 bag of starburst
A chocolate roll
Half a tub of ice cream
Some rice cakes and biscoff spread
A kit kat
A packet of crisps

If I hadn't had the extreme of my childhood with being criticised etc I'd be having a firm word with him but I am so fearful of repeating history and dooming him to an adult life of self loathing and misery if I say anything. If I stop buying it, it's restriction and he will just go mad when he's older like I did. But this eating is upsetting me. It's bringing up lots and lots of emotions and I don't know what to do for the best. He has missed a lot of his usual activities lately due to illness which I think is getting him down but even on normal weeks / days, I am noticing he is going absolutely daft with treat snacks and I'm worried about it. I don't think he recognises he is full or even how much he is eating (for example, the other week I bought 6 angel slice cakes and he just ate the whole box without realising he was doing it) and then often complains of tummy ache at bed time because he isnt listening to his body. All he seems to want to do atm is numb himself with my youtube / playstation and eat. I'm at my wits end.

Stop buying the sugary shite? Fill the snack drawer with healthy stuff?

I honestly don’t think an 8 year old should be able to help themselves to that quantity of snacks. They need to be out of reach (ideally, not in the house), and if he’s hungry, you can provide healthy snacks or learn to wait for next meal if it’s soon. We just don’t have that amount of snacks in the house ever, it’s all unnecessary. But I think you need to explore what’s going on emotional for him.

My dc eat sugar, crisps, cake etc but they have never been able to just help themselves to food. They are children, they need boundaries and that includes food. Removing unlimited access to snacks is the right thing to do here, you are quite likely to be setting him up for a life of obesity if he thinks this is a normal and healthy way to eat.

Children need parenting and that includes when it comes to food and distinguishing between healthy food and 'treat' food - and how often it is reasonable to eat treat food. It sounds like you've gone from one extreme (your childhood) to another (your children's childhood). You need to find the middle ground between free rein and completely banned.

Binge eating is about a lot more than just food. He needs to learn other healthier ways to deal with his frustration, boredom and unhappiness - what could he be doing instead of eating?

I hear you OP. I grew up never being allowed a snack ever - not a single biscuit - and I have an unhealthy relationship with food as an adult. Like you, I have tried not to restrict my DC's food (I have three teens) - but I think you have taken this too far the other way. At age 8 my DC would still have been asking before they had a snack, and would be told no if they had already had a snack or it was close to a mealtime etc. Also we wouldn't have had that quantity of unhealthy stuff available in the cupboard - there's just no need for it.

Maybe some of the actual meals (as listed here) could be more substantial? It's great to give cucumber etc but maybe a mealtime deficit is leaving him hungry & therefore binging on sugar? More protein, wholewheat bread, peanut butter at breakfast, cheese, etc.

His main meals look like diet food - he's probably starving, give him more protein for breakfast, lunch and dinner and don't stock the cupboards with sugary shit. Things like peanut butter and apple or cooked chicken go down very well in our house.

Also check your perspective on this - you should expect him to eat a lot, he's a growing boy. My boys are 7 and 5 and both eat more than me. This is normal, they are very active and I'm more or less sedentary.

There's not a great deal of protein in the list you've given. Nobody will feel full on cucumber no matter how much of it they eat.

I'd give more substantial meals and have him request snacks.

Sounds like he needs a lot more food than you are giving him at mealtimes. There is nowhere near enough fibre, fat and protein in his diet. He's really hungry as his nutrition is poor.

I would also think more fat and protein needed. Fish, roast chicken, eggs, butter, more cheese, nut butter.

We also had a drawer full of treats and snacks when I was a kid, but we were only allowed one thing each per day and we had to ask. If we hadn't had that rule, I would have overeaten because I was a kid who was not great at self-regulating. As I got older, I learned to be able to do that. Saying no to kids is part of the job of being a parent.

The main meals sound fine to me OP but that's a lot of snacks. Could you perhaps reduce the amount of snacks you have in the cupboard and choose more healthy options. Or could you possibly put the snacks out of reach and allow your DC to choose two/three items a day and when they're gone they're gone? You could say it's because food is getting so expensive so you're looking to spend less - maybe if you're planning a holiday you could say it'll help to have more spends while you're there. A bowl of apples could be left within reach too perhaps.

we have a snack drawer too but the kids have to ask for a snack. Otherwise they would eat about 20 a day

maybe tell him he can have 2 snacks a day. He can choose when and which ones. Although I wouldn’t have sweets in there- maybe try and have a few healthier ones in amongst the unhealthy ones.

I agree about maybe more protein in the meals too to fill him up

Also he does need to know about healthy and unhealthy snacks and you could go down the teeth route for this for the unhealthy snacks and the vitamins for the healthy ones

I think giving free range of snacks is asking for issues. My 8 year old is very athletic and active but has 0 self control (eg parties) and would binge eat everything. He knows he needs to ask for food. Even breakfast he would just have cereal or toast, it seems like your son is having 3 breakfasts?

On the flip side my 6 year old can completely self regulate and will leave a cake half eaten if he’s full. My 8 year old will eat until he feels sick. They are both raised the same so I honestly think some kids need help to regulate.

Needs much more protein.

Eggs
Cheese
Plain Greek yogurt
Peanut butter
Chicken
Beef mince
Pulses
Milk by the gallon if he needs it
Lots of water.

Plus add a banana to his morning cereal and a sprinkling of nuts and or seeds.

Some really good advice here already OP. Provide heartier and remove the junk food from the house / replace with healthy snacks so it doesn’t seem punitive. l would be aiming to keep the unrestrictive attitude to food, but make sure the food on offer is healthy. Anyone can get deregulated by UPFs and sugar because our bodies are designed to process them.

If he’s also unhappy then I’m afraid the sugar (and tech) will be providing him with cheap dopamine hits that will create an unhelpful cycle vs tackling the route cause. Can you do more fun things as a family to help him through this period? Or encourage him to spend time with friends, play sports, etc?

You are doing the right thing not labelling food as good and bad, everything in moderation I say. However, his main meals do not seem substantial enough he's growing and needs good amounts of protein, carbs, fats and veg - sounds like he's filling up on what's available.

Up his protein but he’s 8yo. You do have to limit snacks otherwise they eat 50 a day. They are children. My kids have to ask for things like crisps and choc and I meter them out. They have free access to fruit and yoghurt. And I’m sorry but teaching them about healthy and unhealthy food is a good thing - everything in moderation

We have a snack box with Kit Kats, crisps rice cakes etc etc and the kids help themselves. My youngest (12) is a snack monster so if I see him over indulging I do say to him - "don't eat more biscuits - have some cheese toast or whatever"

Also how they are both at secondary they have debit cards and buy snacks after school. I can't really police this. But the other day when my youngest had bought a large dairy milk and a bag of haribo and eaten the lot by the time I was home from work, I did say to him "DS that is really too much sugar. Have one or the other. It's not good for you" and he did actually agree with me and said that perhaps two big sugary things was a bit excessive. He said he wouldn't buy two things again.

I would not have sweets like starburst or haribo in the house where your 8 year old can get them. Biscuits and crisps yes but not sweets.

(I'm just glad neither of mine is vaping, tbh!)

I wouldn’t let children of that age decide what they’re going to eat. Because this type of thing is the result. They don’t really have the maturity to restrict themselves on the nice stuff.
Id get rid of the free to access stuff and say they need to ask you before hand.

You wouldn't sit a toddler in front of a chocolate cake and expect it to end well. I think your 8yo is in the same category really. You're expecting more self control than is reasonable.

You don't need junk food. Sweet things (fairly healthy like yoghurt) as pudding after dinner. Junk now and then but not daily.

How often do you shop for snacks OP? An approach that I think works well is to buy in the weekly shop the amount of snacks that you consider to be appropriate for your family, with no top ups later in the week if the cupboard is bare. Then if he eats too much on days 1 and 2, there are no snacks for anyone for the rest of the week. This limits the total number of unhealthy snacks he has access to in a given week, and also teaches him self restraint in a natural way.

Oh OP, he is lucky to have a mum like you, I can really feel how concerned you are for him to not go through what you did.

I agree with the two main points upthread:

• Some children can self regulate very well, others can't- he doesnt need constant access to sugary snacks.

You could replace those snacks with healthy ones - there was actually a thread recently where snacks were discussed and lots of people said that when they changed the snack options from fun, sugary ones to healthy ones, there was less interest in them. But also look at regulating how much he has access to - fun treats can be something he has at weekends, or something to look forward to on a Friday after school. Sugar is addictive, and right now it sounds like he's feeding the addiction. Remember that while he needs to learn to regulate, you need to teach him, and that sometimes means not giving him access to food he doesn't need. It's such a hard line to walk though, you do have my sympathies.

• definitely more fats and protein at meals - it takes a LOT of fruit and veg to actually feel full, but then your body gets used to the physical act of lots of eating, so his hunger cues might need to be reset here a bit.