Hi Mumsnet,
I really either need some help or a reality check, with either please be brutal.
I "have" a wonderful stepchild, they're bright, and intelligent and I am so proud of him. My wife of 7 years brought them into my life 10 years ago, as part of a package deal. Honestly, I couldn't have been happier with it all and I knew getting into it, his welfare and care would always come before mine. I treated them as though they were my own child and parented them properly and with the supervision of my then-wife.
You'll have heard this many times on here no doubt, however, this comes from probably a "new perspective", a perspective of an honorable man who has witnessed the systematic crucification of his wife by her ex-partner, the child's father.
It started with court orders, PSO and a CAR, the PSO was thrown out quite quickly but the CAR took 10 months to resolve. During these months the child was very young (age 3) and they were heavily manipulated by their father. They would cry all the way home, literally for hours. The father would ensure they started an activity just before we collected them, one the child would be pulled away from as we arrived. This went on for months, but not just that, nooo.
The father was virtually incommunicado when it came to the child's well-being and parental sharing, it didn't matter what my then-wife suggested, asked for, or supported, she was told no not happening (Literally everything). It started to become clear that this was taking a serious toll on her. She would cry silently every night, not just from missing her child when they were away, but from the manipulation that was going on, the senseless abuse.
The father had a substantial family network where he lived and we did not. The judge awarded in his favor and gave him custody during the week, her the weekends and half term, with an equal split of easter, summer and Christmas. This was because of the network of support, as the barrister put it, it was a 50/50 chance we would win or lose. In her mind we lost. Totally, utterly, her dreams of taking the child to school, getting them into their first uniform, helping with homework, her ideals of being a mother just vanished... Gone... The child may as well have died that day. The grief was utterly horrendous.
Anyway, the abuse from the ex didnt stop. She was stopped from school decisions, was not given the right to collect them should she wished to, not told about parents' evenings, or school plays, no right to advise on healthcare, the childs health decisions had to go through the father and obviously they were "veto'd" even to the detriment of the child who was never taken to the doctors not the dentist when it was suggested that the father take them. If is was serious the dad begrudgingly took them or we just took them to A&E. I cannot articulate how frustrating this was to watch. I cannot imagine how horrible it was for her and her child. I mean what reasonable parent does that to their child?
Over the years it continued, phone calls were ignored, the child was prevented from contacting her when they wanted to etc. This sent my wife into a downward spiral, she stopped eating, stopped grieving, anxious at every pick-up as to what was going to come her way. I watched my wife turn from a confident young woman, with bags and bags of potential to a pile of virtual jelly over time. Depression ensued and every text from him to her or from her to him (which was ignored) took her deeper. Honestly, I was utterly powerless.
I tried to get her help but she refused, she was almost sectioned and was placed on suicide watch. She would tell me the same experiences over and over as if I hadn't heard them before and it was almost like she was on repeat after an interaction with her ex. It just didn't stop. This went on for 7 years. It affected my mental health too, I got very physically ill and whilst my wife helped me with the basics, I felt no love and care from her, nothing, it was like it had died the day she lost custody. My heart was broken. It was like watching her and her love for me die slowly. Honestly, I just don't have any other words to describe it.
The ex got a new gf, just like him, just as manipulative and inhumane. The solw mental abuse began, primarily aimed at my wife's child and further my wife. The gf brought several children into her and the Ex's relationship. Theirs getting preferential treatment (not that it was much) and my wife child was neglected. My wife was powerless to do anything to stop it all. Social services were repeatedly called over the years, and their answer was the same "we called the father and there are no reported problems". "Unless there is physical harm done to the child we won't do anything" I am not kidding, that's what they said.
The ex's gf did something horrendous, Im not going to go into detail but suffice to say it was the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. My then-wife just couldn't take it anymore. She decided to end the marriage, to focus entirely on her child's well-being and to protect me from further harm. I understood that this was a noble reason, but it didn't hurt any the less.
My marriage ended.
I have tried to support her during the time we have not been together, but I have still got the chance to spend time with my ex-wife's child, which I adore, and I know I am lucky to get. But the abuse hasn't stopped, it's just intensified.
I understand right now I have no parental responsibility for the child, I know that in the eyes of the law, I'm no longer a step-dad. This man (The ex) has taken everything from me over the years and I was powerless to take any actions, for fear of the child's well-being being hurt by said action. I know the police and social services won't do anything.
Now to the very recent past, the dad stopped contact with the mum (citing mental health abuse) which is utterly bogus and another attempt at hurting her, my ex-wife has a C79 in place now to be heard by the court, to change the CAR to utterly 50/50. There have been other forms lodged because the father is in contempt. Which is understood.
So, what can I do to regain so much hurt in my life (and hers)? Is there truly nothing I can do? Am I utterly powerless again?
I am 2 years on from the end of my marriage and this man is just getting away with life-changing mental abuse. So I am here for help. I will take any advise from you.
Thanks for reading.