I would really appreciate some advice from Mums....

[Lis4828]

Hi all - I am desperate for some advice from Mothers.

I am not a mum myself, but I am an aunty to an 8 year old, with my sister being a single parent. We have no other family.

Some back history - my sister has suffered from depression throughout a lot of her life and has quite a strong addiction to prescription meds (some needed, a lot not), a lot of which make her drowsy and make it very difficult for her to function. Historically she has stolen/taken my parents morphine to feed that habit and has also been arrested/cautioned for selling prescription drugs that she found on the internet.

When my nephew was a baby, his father left my sister, taking my nephew with him, citing all of the above as reason for him to be awarded full custody, which created a fairly lengthy court battle. I was very instrumental in my sister being granted 50% custody, which (if I'm honest) involved some mistruths. My sister promised me that things would be different and that she would change for my nephew and this is the only reason I fought for her. At the time I wondered whether he would be better with his Dad, even though that would have been devastating for us both.

For most of his life, she has kept that promise(ish), until 2 years ago, when his father removed himself from my nephews life. Their co-parenting relationship was very toxic and they were continually involving social services in disputes and he went from seeing my nephew every weekend without fail, to not seeing him at all.

Things have gone very dramatically downhill from that point, which I suspect is because she no longer feels "watched". I have no doubt that this impacted emotionally on my nephew, but my sister barely gets out of bed, spending a lot of her time sleeping in the day and on social media or watching TV at night. The house is a complete mess (unable to move anywhere and significant mould in the toilet etc), curtains continually drawn and she spends no time with my nephew at all. There is no play or happiness at all for him, outside of online gaming. He has no life whatsoever outside of school, unless we take him out (which we do) and he is clearly desperate for social interaction and stimulation. She is feeding him etc, so physically he is okay. I'm just very concerned about the mental side of things.

He has developed severe behavioural problems, being sent home from school for hitting teachers and children. He has told me that he "needs help with his brain" and is also very sad, but my sister will not mobilise herself to seek any help or support for him. My sister has also started to not take him to school (linked to her not being able to get out of bed) so he is missing a lot of schooling and is talking about home schooling (cynically, but having known her her entire life, some of this will be so that she does not have to get out of bed to take him to school). I have no doubt that this will amount to the end of his education as she will not home tutor. He is an incredibly intelligent boy, so this will be very detrimental.

My nephew (although undiagnosed) seemingly suffers from ADHD, Autism and ODD - although, I am unsure as to how much of this is symptomatic of his current home environment. He is desperate for attention and is being completely ignored outside of feeding and clothing (this not an exaggeration) , which would be absolutely detrimental if he has some of these issues.

I have, over the last 2 years, listened, empathised and offered all the support that I can think of. I have offered to take time out of work to clean and tidy the entire house, I have offered to drive to the doctors for help for them both. She will not let me do either of these things. I have left work and driven the 20 mile round trip to collect him from school when they are unable to contact her because she is sleeping in the day. I have taken him out on day trips etc. I have waited on them hand and foot when they have stayed with me over Christmas, to try to give them both some positive memories (he has said that he has no good memories at the moment and clings to old toys because he says they give him happy memories).

It is heartbreaking and nobody else knows how bad things are at home. Things are coming to a bit of a head now as I am so concerned about him losing his chance at education. I have mentioned to her that it might be a good idea to involve a social worker, so that she can get some support (because she will not allow me to help) - and (not unsurprisingly) she is now attacking me, stating that I have no right to do so/be involved. That she is his Mum (which, of course, I know and accept) and that I am being judgemental. This is why I am asking for thoughts from other Mums. I know that my contacting a social worker will likely spell the end of our relationship, but I'm really struggling to watch this anymore...I feel so sorry for him, he is starting to tell me things in an attempt to highlight how bad it is. She will not at all accept that some of her behaviour might be impacting on him and simply blames the school, his father and my nephew himself.

This has been his life for the last 2 years. I am also now riddled with guilt for the mistruths I told in order for her to retain custody and I am saddened by this 24/7. Should I contact social services, is there anything else I can try, should I just leave as is? Am I over-reacting and/or being judgemental?

[fishstiks]

To be honest at this point I would definitely refer to social services and try and help your nephew out of his current situation. It sounds really difficult but could the father get involved and get full custody?

[Lis4828]

Hi, thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply.
I tried reaching out to his father’s family a little while back, but have received no response. I think he has moved on with a new partner, who also has young children, so, unfortunately, it might be that he has completely washed his hands of it. 😞
My sister has also, since this message, threatened suicide if I go ahead with this and she ends up losing him. This is just so difficult and I’m not sleeping at all with it.
A work colleague had put me in touch with some professionals who are providing some really good advice, so that has been helpful.
I have also, this morning, sent her a list of changes that would need to happen quickly (and be sustained) for me to
hold off looking for outside help. She will, of course, see this as “demands” and I expect not react very well, but I have wrapped them up in lots of “I love you both” and strong offers of help and support to achieve them.
I’m also going to arrange an appointment with his school this week to talk some things through. She has told me that the deputy head has advised her to “block me”, which seems a bit odd, but I also know that she will have been completely hiding the issues (she can be very convincing/manipulative) and probably said the my suggested approach to social services was simply because of his behaviour in school.
I have had limited exposure to her school so far, so it will be good to meet with them. I suspect she will have removed me as next of kin in an effort to stop me having this conversation with them, so it is possible that they won’t be able to tell me much about any steps in place for him in school, but I can talk to them.
if nothing works over the next couple of weeks I know I’m going to have to take bigger steps.
Thank you again, so much.