Autistic teenager multiple suicide attempts, what to do

[RyanLondon]

Hi, I am a father of a 16-year-old teenage daughter. She is officially supposed to be in year 11, but she has barely been attending school for the last 3 years. She is an only child, and she has had, in relative terms, a fairly comfortable life. Before the age of 12/13, she did not show any autistic symptoms that we, as parents, teachers, her cousins or anyone else, noticed. She always struggled with friends.

She is the quiet type of autistic child, but at home, she is not quiet. She is not violent, and she does not swear, so most adults, and even professionals, struggle to pinpoint her issues as he comes across as a very polite, well-mannered teenager. And this is part of the problem; her issues are very deceptive, and as she wants people to like her, she presents as someone very together.

During the lockdown time, she started having issues concentrating. From there on, it has been a 0 to 100mph in less than 3 years. She has been in hospital at least 5 times, on two occasions for 2 weeks at a time. She was officially diagnosed as autistic about 6 months ago - so very late, which I believe is more common with girls. However, they suspected she was autistic for at least 1-2 years now. She has been seeing CAMHS on an almost weekly basis for about a year or more. She has been in a mental health facility, initially as a day patient, since October 2023. For the last 2-weeks, she has been a residential patient there because she cut her wrist, and she is adamant about ending her life. In short, since engaging with mental health services, her issues have been escalating.

She is our only child. She was at the top of her class, very academic and had high ambitions - which was all her, not us. She has now completely given up on life. Before you ask, no major trauma has happened in our family or her life that we can think of. We have thought of every possibility, from boys to sexual abuse and anything in between. Unless she tells us something or we see some evidence of something, we are lost. I have installed cameras inside my home in the communal areas for safety reasons. It is just the 3 of us at home, mum, daughter and me.

We live in London, and we are considering moving somewhere rural - for her as she likes the countryside. We have even considered moving abroad, somewhere like Portugal. However, we know that living with her is draining. Plus, there are limited mental health facilities in rural areas. You have to consider everything in situations like this. We also have to hide everything when she is home, from handwashing liquid to floss, because she can use almost anything to do self-harm. For me, the mental health services have been shockingly bad. At the same time, I accept that it's not easy to solve these things.

However, I will have a decision to make in the next 6-12 months, which makes me feel like a terrible parent. If she is not stable enough and her attempts don't stop, it will drain me and my wife - further. If we are not well and stable, then we cannot be there for her. We are already severely depressed. It is highly unlikely the NHS will consider a residential home for her - that is the feeling I get because she has supportive parents. So, what are we to do next? Because she is being released home next week. We took her out to a restaurant last night, and she made it fairly clear that she wants to end her life whenever she gets an opportunity. I am going to relay this message, but I am sure it won't change the plans set by the mental health team.

I would welcome any advice from parents with any knowledge or experience with mental health issues. Thank you.

We live in the countryside near to Ashford in Kent. It’s 37 minutes on the high speed train up to St Pancras from Ashford. If you moved somewhere near here you could still be near enough to go up to any appointments.

After visiting inner London my nerves jangle. I’m not autistic but it’s chaotic and noisy, and it’s wearing. If you suffer with sensory issues the peace of the countryside will help.

We have friends locally whose son tried to end his own life who is fifteen and has ADHD. The mental health response team were absolutely brilliant according to them, obviously they’ve backed off now as he’s stable, but in the weeks following the attempt they were in attendance every day, so services out of London aren’t necessarily worse. He’s also got two dogs which help him a lot.

I really hope things improve for you all, getting older and out of a school setting will help.

I think it’s burnout too.

@bozzabollix and everyone else. I am going to make some time to respond to you all later today. Thank you for all your replies. I just need to get an urgent task done, then I'll come to you. Thanks.

@Neveralonewithaclone Thank you, that helps. I need to apply for these things or anything else. I met some "Family Advocates" I think that's what they said their role was, and they said they would help me apply for these things. I haven't applied for any sort of benefits in about 25-30 years, and the "social security" world based on what I hear has got very complicated, so their help will be useful. I am hoping I can do some of the paperwork for my daughter this week.

@DarkChocHolic I wasn't happy about her going on medication. But I have accepted the fact that she "may" need to be on medication short term, and possibly long term. She just finished Fluoxetine and started Quetipine 2 days ago.

I am okay with the autism. I caccepted immediately, as I probably have some traits myself, but extremely klow level stuff. However, what I need to stop is the screaming for hours and constant suicide attempts. She has been on weekend home leave for the last 2 days, and she seems a little better. Not sure if its the new meds, too early to tell.

@Maybeicanhelpyou @olmp16 As my daughter is our only child, my plan all along has been to take a year or two out, move to somewhere quite and focus on getting her better. So far, being in CAMHS and Coborn (mental health facility) nightmare has meant I have not had any breathing space to see if what I had originally planned "could" work.

@olmp16 I have some means, we "may" be able to stop working for a few years and life somewhere quiter. So, I am planning the initial test phase of that in the next few weeks. I am just waiting for the initial discharge from the residential facility she is in.

Regarding interests etc, because of her depressions, autism and hearing signals from God etc, it has meant she is so depressed she has no interest in anything. I am creative type person, so I have tried to do many things with her, from arts and crafts, to badminton and hiking and even sewing and knitting. I even bought her a sewing machine recently as she showed a temporarty interest in sewing. In short, I need to get some decrease in her depressive state so that we can ignite or spark interest in things.

@DodgeDoggie I have agreed Quetiapine. Today is day two of Quetiapine. As I mentioned to the others above an "attempted" rural move is already on the cards. Thanks for the mention of Naomi Fisher. I will look into her.

@Charlingspont I looked at Elysian online. The school looks wonderful. Even if I were to rent a place local to the school, there is probably waiting lists and other hurdles and worst thing is that my daughter will be 17 in 6 months or so.

@DodgeDoggie I may have already replied to regarding location, I am willing to consider anywhere in the UK in a rural setting. However, I am mainly considering England and Wales. The main reason is that I may need to drive down to London once a month due to some responsibilities I have here.

@Neveralonewithaclone I am so glad its worked out for your son. I appreciate it's far from perfect, but a lot better than where you were. I am going to try something similar soon. I'll keep you all updated.

@CrikeyMajikey Yes PMDD has been mentioned. I will mention it to the doctors and see what they say. I know I don't have any knowledge to comment, but unless I see some evidence or someone diagnoses her with PMDD, I am at the mercy of the diagnosis experts.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow Thanks for the push. I do need to make time for the financial and financial support because I am getting myself into debt.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I would like to speak to all of you about "Social Worker" because I am getting comflicting advice from social services vs the advice I am getting from Autism and Mental Health NHS advocates. But I need to write a seperate reply on that alone.

@cornflower21 I work in tech. No she has always been against social media because she gets very jelous and insecure. We never tried to stop social media. She did it on her own. She has. worse habit than social media:

1. Her head is a YouTube rabbit whole all on it's own. I could write several paragraphs on that.
2. She does deep research into conspiracy theories but thats not through your usual social media like Instagramm, FB etc.
3. I took her iPhone away about 3 weeks ago because of the conspiuracy theory research she does.

@sarsums Thank for your post. My heart goes out to you. I am glad things are getting better with your daughter. She seems very young. I am assuming she is still 14. I am glad you are having a better experience with CAMHS. I have asked myself repeatedly if I am "being harsh" or have too high expectations. The short answer is no, I would be happy with the bare basic standard, and so far they have failed in that - and I keep records of things and documnatary proof.

@sarsums Regarding Northern Ireland, no I have not considered it. I have travelled and I have lived abroad as well. I even spent a few months in Orkney. There is a lot of things I can't say because this is public forum, and things can easily get misunderstood or misinterpreted, but I need to be within 5 hours driving of London. So, Wales and most of England is okay. However, I could probably fly from NI to City Airport in London as and when required. Lastly, whereever we go, we will be isolated and alone, and I am okay with that, and my daughter will be as well. However, I don't think my wife will be okay with that. She needs people.

@Neveralonewithaclone Your experience with your son is both amazing and interesting. I want to think I can do what you do. I know soon enough. However, one thing I know is that her "state" needs to be what its been like today to have any hope of being able "live with her". The way she has been the last few months meant you couldn't do anything with her. I am someone who is glass 90 percent full type of person. I always have to be engaged and doing stuff. So, I am always happy to do stuff with her. It's also the main reason she is closer to me than her mother. But even with the best will and understanding, when she is "that state" nothing seems to work. So, I am hoping whatever is keeping her like she is today just continues so that I can engage with her and do activities. We did a 20 mile dover hike together, we were supposed to go camping and go around the world together. But I can't do anything until she has some level of "clamness." I hope that makes sense. Lastly, I think each autistic and or mental health person/teen is different, and what I have learnt recently is some of things that others are doing may help, and other things may not and it may only apply to their child because of the type of person they are.

@HeBeaverandSheBeaver thanks for the tp on PIP.

@Ihavethis2 Yes, bad experience with CAMHS seems to be very common story. I am glad things are a little better with your son. Regarding Quetiapine, what you mentioned about weight gain is very worrying. My daughter was not over weight 6 months ago, but in the last 3-4 months she has put on about 2 stones. However, I am too afreaid to mention weight. I used to try and take her for walk everyday before, but I can't even do that now. When she was younger she used to go to the gym with me. But that's also not a possibilty anymore. I think her weight gain was mainly low moods and comfort eating, and could be related to Fleuxotine as she only stopped that about a week ago. She has only been on Quetiapine 2 days now, so too early to know. She has felt more sleepy since being on Quetiapine, but you seem to be saying it makes it more difficult to sleep. Again, I think we will only know after some time has passed. I feel most of us parents with kids with autism and mental health, we don't always have much of a choice when it comes to meds. In theory you always have a choice, but is it really a choice, when it could be suicide or worseing of a situation!

@forcedfun Yes, my daughter seems to feel sleepy with Quetiapine. Time will tell.

@Neveralonewithaclone You have a son, as a guy I think some things are easier to do for boys. I know if I had a son I could probably try and find different things for him to get his anger out on. The same things don't work on my daughter. Obviously, I am learning the mind of a teenage girl as I go along. What makes it more difficult is the fact that my daughter was always very different from other girls. She is very pretty and boys would look at her etc, but she is not in boys (or girls), into makeup, clothes, fashion, music or any of the other things that we normally expect teen boys and girls to be into. So, I am constantly asking her what she wants to do, after all of these years.

@thesleepyhoglet You touched on something important here. We live in Sharm El-Sheikh for about a year and she went to a British school there and we were all very happy. This was about 5 years ago. This Sharm trip was "supposed" to be start of a long journey around the world. So, my original plan was to country hop, spend 6-12 months in different countries. I know she enjoyed travelling. The moving to somewhere rural that I mentioned in previous comments was supposed to be Portugal. However, I have had to abandon everything because of mental health. My wife doesn't want to go anywhere that is too far from what we know and the NHS.

@Waffleson Thank you, your comments are helpful. I have a spare room in my house. My wife works at a school that is dedicated to autistic kids. They don't have any other types of students and most of the kids in her school are on the deep end and non-verbal. Anyway, she suggested making the spare room which used to by my office at home into a sensory room. So, my daughter gets too rooms dedicated to her. Her won bedroom and the spare room. Although she has a super king bed in her bedroom, we noticed she likes sleeping on the floor and she used to go into the spare room every time it was empty, as she didn't always like being in her room. So, we have placed a mattress on the floor in the spare room, which is likes a lot. And we have kept the room plain and told her we will be adding sensory toys and tools to it. At the moment she is still sleeping with my wife, while I sleep in another room, this mainly to keep her safe. But as she has been showing some progress (in the last week), then she may sleep and spend time in that room when she comes home. However, so much is up in the air when it comes to our life at the moment. We don't even know if we will still live in this house in a few months. We have lived in this house over 20 years, its the house where she was born in, but she seems to feel there is negative spirits in this house. In short, there are some negartive associations for her and this house. So, a move might be good, might not be, but we have do a short test before we make the big jump. Thanks.

@thesleepyhoglet Good point, but she doesn't have what we would call "proper friends." Other teens want to be her friends, but she finds it too much effort masking, so she doesn't recipicate and they give up after a while. She doesn't realise it, people warm to her very easily and kids love her, specially her hair.

@bozzabollix I looked on Rightmove recently for a place in a village in Kent. Yes, you are right. I think my main problem will be that I don't have any renting history, as I have lived in my own home for the last 20 or so years. Also, I would like to keep pets and most landlords seem to not allow pets. I need pets for my daughter. If you know of any place in Kent, and its affordable (I realise it's a relative word) then feel free to pm me. Thank you.

Lastly, one other thing relates to my above reply, and this goes to EVERYONE who has kids who suffer or have suffered from autism or mental health issues. I know there are many communities that exist for mental health, but I have been wanting to find a community that allows mental health teens to connect with each other and for parents to connect with each other. I will explain the perspective I am coming from.

A while back I was looking for other autistic teens for my daughter to connect with either online and or in-person. I couldn't find a way of doing that, so I let it go. Fast forward a few more months after my daughter ended up initially as a day-patient in the Coborn mental health facility for young people, and later as a residential patient, where my suspicions were confirmed. In short, I found that she was far more relaxed there and she could be herself, let her guard down or not have the mask, that's what she told me when I asked. So, my main agenda when I originally sought other teens and or parents to connect with, was that I thought she may be able to relate and feel more at ease with other teens who had similar issues. I suppose it's common sense now that I think about it.

I don't know if such a platform exists which allows parents and teens to connect with each other. If it does, then please share it with me. If it doesn't, then it is something that I have even thought about setting up if there was enough parents interested at some point. I know how to do the online side of things, and I have Enhanced DBS/CRB clearance to work with young people (prefer not to as I am not very good with kids beyond my own daughter) - the DBS relates to something else I do.

So, I would much prefer it if such thing existed, I am very tired and would prefer to avoid this work, and I would love for my daughter to meet other autistic / mental health teens beyond a hospital / clinical setting. Thoughts and feedback welcome. Thank you.

Apologies if this is completely unhelpful, but I take fluoxetine and there is a big warning on it that in some cases (particularly younger people) it can cause thoughts of self harm and suicide. If your daughter only started with these thoughts after starting the fluoxetine, then I wonder if it may have been a contributing factor (or even the cause)? If so, things may improve as it leaves her system. If this is unhelpful please ignore it, but I thought it was worth mentioning just in case.

Hi, I was your daughter. My parents ended up kicking me out onto the streets and life has been very difficult because of that.

For me it got worse in 9 when school were very much ‘next year is options! What are you going to do for the rest of your life! Make choices now!’ and I just went into free fall. Having dealt with a lot of mental health professionals over the years I have found for me personally it makes everything worse. I too have that hyper focus on what I want to do but when it comes down to it I’m too scared to fail and never achieve anything.

I would change her medication (the only one that worked for me is citalopram)
I would sit her down at home and say there’s no expectations. She doesn’t have to do anything, doesn’t have to shower even or even think about the future.
If she likes reading get her some books, a journal, sketching set, something that she might enjoy that she can pick up and put down. Right now is her season of recovery, make sure she knows she can rest, relax and try to figure out who she is (without being who she thinks you want her to be)
I would tread gently, how’s the book you’re reading? What tv show are you watching? Etc no demands.

After a couple of weeks maybe suggest a walk and build up until she’s helping out as a volunteer with the little kids but keep on top of medication and encourage her to write down the angry, scary thoughts and to listen to an audiobook or music to try and distract herself.

Eventually she could work part time at a nursery and study part time for English, Maths and childcare.

My son uses ambiant sounds on headphones, waves I think. He finds it very helpful.

Hello All (again),

I think I mentioned in previous comments that my daughter has been home for the weekend (since Friday afternoon/evening). It felt like it was a lot better (relatively), and she hadn't been screaming and constantly wanting to kill herself, and I was getting a little hopeful - until this morning. We have "almost" everything locked down in our house, including washing products into a locked room. This morning, she went to the kitchen and drank clothes washing soap powder diluted in water - I think it may have been left in the kitchen cupboard as we were putting the washing machine on. It wasn't a significant quantity, and I have decided not to take her to A&E.

Anyway, it goes to show the issue can come back without warning.

@Flev I read the same things about Fluoxetine, which I have considered. It's the main reason I asked her to be taken off it. I have never needed to use anti-depressants myself, but I have watched plenty of documentaries on the subject, and the vast majority of them have side effects, and almost all of them have that as a small print. There was no way I could be sure if Fluoxetine was triggering the suicide ideations/attempts; however, since it wasn't also helping in any other way (after almost a year), I decided it was time for a change. But on almost everything, it's very slow, and it feels like you are dragging the professionals along with you,

@ElizabethCage Thank you for your comments/advice. I relate more than you know without going into detail, and I had a similar experience where I had to leave home young. It turned my world upside down. However, I didn't have mental health issues; I was just an insecure kid, and my parents struggled to understand.

I am glad things have eventually started working out for you. Regarding your advice, " She doesn’t have to do anything, doesn’t have to shower or even think about the future." I have done that and went above and beyond. I told her she never needs to go to school or do any form of education if she doesn't want to, and she never needs to work (as she has weird concept about capitalism being evil etc, although there is some truth).

I also explained to her that she is an only child, and the things I have put in place for her (as a safety net) mean if she decided never to work and do nothing and travel, she could; she would need to be stable to manage some basic things after we weren't around. I even said if she wanted to do something creative, I would help her, fund it, and even turn it into an income source if she chose that path.

Anything is an option.... art, dance, music, drama - but the autism, depression and the signals from God all together mean she is not interested in anything, and she tells me she gets no joy from anything. Most of the time, she is angry at us (especially the last few months) - because she blames us for bringing her into this world and not letting her die.

@Neveralonewithaclone CAMHS gave her earplugs, plus I got her over-the-ear headphones (a while back) and tried music; she doesn't want to try anything or listen to any suggestions. The biggest problem is that she is not receptive to new ideas and is not willing to try anything at present because she is fixated on ending her life and the misery she feels.

We have no option but to keep soldering on. 🤯

Question for anyone with autistic kids: have you noticed your child constantly needing attention? When I say attention, I mean in the sense a 4-year-old child will continually demand a parent's attention. When they become teenagers, most kids will avoid their parents' attention because they are too busy in their world.

I have noticed my daughter's constant need for attention, which is unsustainable. I have also noticed jealousy in the strangest ways. She is jealous of almost every female (her age group), and she openly admits this to me in counselling sessions. She says it's unrelated to boys, but she constantly needs to compare herself - even though almost everyone says she is good-looking - which shouldn't matter as much as it does.

She will get jealous of her mother and, more recently, get jealous of the attention the cat receives. I find she doesn't understand the "thinking" of an animal, and it is not remotely similar to a human. This is stuff I would expect a 5-year-old to understand.

I cannot make sense of it. Around the age of 11, although she had some autistic traits, nothing was noticeable. Fast forward a year or two, and it's like puberty or something else triggered a dormant part of her that is making her go backwards. It makes no sense to me. I know many of you have mentioned PMDD (or something relating to menstruation), but my daughter started her periods before most of her friends, so it was a year or two before that. I am confused by all of this. I know it's genuinely getting my wife down, and I am trying to stay focused for both of us.

Mine needs lots of attention. Always did. It’s exhausting. She’s 17 now and still needs lots.

ADHD and ASD often go hand in hand. I think it’s her ADHD driving this. She can’t focus on anything for a long time.

Had your dd been assessed for ADHD?

@RyanLondon
I recognise the "going backwards" you mention
I even told my psychiatrist that my daughter talks like a toddler and her insecurities seem much greater now than before.
It could be that we notice every single thing now. Or maybe the medication does affect how they think and behave.
In my daughter's case I think it is the fluoxetine.

@arseinthecoopwindow
Can I ask what adhd meds your dd is on please? And what type of adhd is she diagnosed with?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow Thanks, I am glad it's not just my daughter. I find it rediculous sometimes. I was trying to explain to some "professionals" how we give our daughter a lot of time and attention, and its been that way most of her life, even before the autism. There is a rational reason for it. I think the professional thought I was trying to say I was a good dad, actually its far from that, what I was trying to say (which got lost somewhere along the way), is that I was compensating by giving her my time because of my own past. It's something others have noticed (friends and family), in terms of how much time I dedicate towards her, even when I was running a busy small business. So, when she is almost acting like a toddler nowadays it makes no sense. She can have my time anytime she wants. I drop most things to make time.

I don't think it's a rational thing. It's some wiring that gets muddled up in the brain because a lot of things have no rational explanation in my opinion, and I cannot link it to anything. For example, my daughter is extremely financially insecure. One of her fears is that we will become homeless. This is a kid that had her own card from the age of 11. There was at least £300 in their most of the time, but she wouldn't even spend 50p on sweets for herself. The professionals thought we must of gone through some financial trauma at some stage of her life e.g. repossesions etc. I told them I come from a very humble background, but my daughter has had a relatively priveleged life. Nothing remotely close to any financial hardship happened during her life - before her life yes, but not during. They probably think we might be ashamed or hiding something. Normally you would expect that kind of financial insecurity to link back to an event in the past, but I cannot join the dots.

@DarkChocHolic You think it's the medication. Maybe. The truth is I don't know. I will probably never know. She's been off Fluoxetine for about 5-10 days. Today is day 3 of Quetipine. As most of you are aware, there is always a trade-off with most things in life, so the Quetipine "may" help in some way, but there may be a price to pay somewhere along the long. It sometimes feels like choosing which is the better poison. I know that sounds negative. Nebvertheless if the good outweighs the bad, then I think I am good with it. I suppose I have to be!

I am glad you mentioned ADHD, I think there is a good chance you are right. Another professional also mentioned getting checked for multiple things. However, I get the feeling the doctors only want it to be autism and they have been VERY reluctant to even consider anything else. This is now on my task list. Thanks.

Hi Op, feel for you and all of us parents and children going through mental health in teens issues. Firstly, my 16 yr old dd been on quetiapine for a year- low dose but found it very very useful. Has calmed down her anxiety, mood swings and aided sleep.
Secondly, I second you getting social services involved- they join up all the agencies and we had a lovely case worker who was helpful. Really feel for you and your family- things for us are stable at the moment but you are always on edge in case things change.

Btw in addition to above she was v sleepy at beginning wit quetiapine but that extreme tiredness has gone she just is more relaxed and sleepy at bedtime

@RyanLondon
I also noticed you have stopped fluoxetine and started quetiapine almost at the same time.
Was the fluoxetine gradually reduced?
Sometimes that can cause additional mood swings too?
I hope the quetiapine gives your daughter the relief you all desperately need.
I really feel for you.
You sound like a great dad who will do anything to help his child. Not many of us will be willing to give up everything to help their sick child without the resentment it brings. I personally am struggling with the resentment today and your post has reminded me perspective.
Wishing you much peace.....

Does the in-patient unit run a parents' group? Some do (facilitated by a member of staff). Some Tier 3 CAMHS also run them. They are not always widely publicised so it is worth asking.

@wishmyhousetidy You and few others have mentioned getting Social Services. I am going start a seperate thread in relation to that topic as it's a mine field, otherwise I will end up confusing everyone. However, I am all for it, but I have EITHER been given wrong advice by "professionals" or something is not right.

Without going into detail right now, professional who are advocates for autism and parents had a CETR meeting with me (and many of them also have autistic children and told me all the things that Social Services is doing for their teenage child), and they have said that I SHOULD definitely get Social Services involved as they will help me with things. They also said it doesn't matter if the parents or on benefits or billionares, it is assessed on the childs situation. Now, the Social Services tell me because of my situation my child won't get any help. I don't want people to misunderstand this, on paper it seems like I have "some" assets but the last 3 years I haven't been able to work properly, so I have been getting myself into debt. So, its easy to misunderstand things without knowing all the details.

In short, I am getting wrong advice from somewhere. I don't know if there is any truth to this, but Social Services seem to be offering different services in different Boroughs in London. I don't know if this should be the case, but that's how it feels based on what I am hearing. Hence why I would prefer to start a thread and get peoples experiences together to decipher the truth from the false.

@wishmyhousetidy For me the first two days of Quetiapine was very good, she was sleepy and the screaming and crying stopped. However, today she drank that soap liquid, but she hasn't been screaming and crying today as well. She has been moaning and saying she is depressed and wants to end her life. But it's been nowhere near the extremes as before. So, I can definitely see a difference, but it is still very early days.

@DarkChocHolic She was tapered down, but it was done pretty fast, she went from 30 to zero in less than a month. I have no knowledge on tapering on anti-depressents, but based on what I know about other medications, it was super fast. But I have been told Fluoxetine is a relatively mild anti-depressants compared to others, hence why most teens start on that. She was on nothing for about a week or less then Quetiapine. I wanted to wait, but then she stopped sleeping, so I gave in.

Lastly, I am far from a great dad. But yes, I would go to extreme lengths for my child, but that's only because of my own childhood. However, you feeling resentful is human. Do I feel resentful sometimes? Absolutely.

If I told you how my life was supposed to be, what I believe in (and what I had planned for my life) vs what I am doing now - it would either make me look like a hypocrite or a person full of contradictions (the latter is probably more to the truth). But I have to learn to accept things, trust me when I say, sometimes very reluctantly. And I like to sleep at night with a clear consciounce, and I would struggle with myself if i didn't feel I gave it my best shot. I am happy to accept failure, but I need to feel that I tried.

That saying that all that glitters is not gold also goes for people. Just because some people seem all-together, doesn't always mean that, you need to look below the surface sometimes to see the full reality. I am just trying like you.

Nebvertheless, thank you for kind words.

@Roseau18 As far as I know they don't have a parent group. I am not exagerating when I say they are a complete mess - and I am quoting staff! I have written at least 3-5 email complaints, each one probably at least 500-1,000 words long!

On social services, ours is really rubbish.
She hasn't managed to clarify or organise a single thing for us. No help with schools, LA or mental health teams. It was a complete waste of our time engaging with her.
She was meant to bring services together but honestly the people helping us the most are the intensive home treatment team.
They have organised dbt for my DD and family therapy for us.
They will hand us over to camhs pretty soon and I am sure things will be rubbish after.
To be honest, apart from psychiatrist, I am happy to look privately for therapy but because my daughter is deemed high risk after 3 suicide attempts, many private professionals want to avoid us

Social services are short-staffed. The hospital one my daughter had was good. The community one after she was discharged just checked I was taking her to her CAMHS appointments.

I think maybe you are correct and it is a postcode lottery with social services. Our dd has adhd and at one point police were involved which triggered social services which linked with Camhs and school. I am very sorry this has not been the case for others. Yes it would be a good idea to start another thread and then maybe someone from ss may have some advice.

I'm glad the new meds seems to be calming your dd

Regarding your comment on attention

My dd is asd and adhd
She has many age behaviours
Sometimes she is like a 3 year old
Sometimes a 13 year old and sometimes really mature and older than her real age of 18.

She doesn't demand attention constantly but when she does she expects a result or response immediately or she will get stroppy.

She seems conflicted at times. Like the adhd wants to do stuff and try new things but the asd doesn't always cope with this.

This is also greatly affected
By her hormones pmdd and the week before her period she is very tired anxious and can't cope. The rest of the time she will push herself more.

How this helps you with your dd a little.

I understand about money. I was willing to pay for 'something' privately, but what?? It's the advice, pathway, cohesion that you're hoping for. I am a fan of getting diagnoses and assessments done privately and then going back into the system / nhs with what I've found.

I did this with sen assessments for schooling because I wanted faster answers. But to pay for 'something' (without knowing what you want /need) long term / forever is too much.