Am I "trying too hard"?

[WashingBasketFiasco]

Brief history: DD is 14, has been off school for a year with severe anxiety. Very bright - has somehow kept up skills academically (at least in maths and english) - and school per se isn't a priority for me. I just want her to feel happier.

She's made great progress over the last year with the anxiety, with gradual exposure work. She has recently been able to tolerate some time in school, which is amazing. But now, her mood and energy are getting so low.

Over the last year, I got pretty bossy, and really tried to focus hard on helping her mental health. Constant cajoling to get out for a walk, eat regularly, get sunlight, see friends, get to a tutor and some exercise classes. I think it worked, although at times she hated me for it. The thing is, she's now started to seriously resist anything I suggest, and I feel I don't have control over any of it any more. She's just deciding to stay in her room all day, and there's nothing I can do about it. She now says I've been horrendous, and she just "wants to be a normal teenager" and stay in her room on her phone all day. I actually wouldn't give a monkeys about this if it genuinely kept her happy, but I can see her mood going down and down with it.

Right now, I feel close to breaking point. I don't know what to do. DH says I have to take my foot off the gas (and what's the other option?), but how? I'll hold my hands up to being a bit of a control freak when it comes to the kids and their wellbeing, and I do try to reign this in. Do I just have to let her do this, and learn the consequences herself?

I have tried to talk with her again and again, by the way, and she knows my reasons, etc.

Yes, you need to rein it back.

She may well be feeling under a lot of pressure from you to "be well" and to do the right thing.

That can be very counter productive, and will usually result in the person simply refusing.

It will also cut all communications between you - she has almost certainly stopped telling you things because you are anxious and need control over her anxiety.

Does she have anyone to talk to? She needs to have someone she can open up to and clearly from what you have written that won't be you. Your partner? A therapist!

You’re in a very difficult situation so hugs to you.

Does dd have a therapist ? Are they the ones that encourage gradual exposure therapy ? Are they the ones that recommend walks etc ? I hope that you don’t mind me saying this but it’s not really the best time of year to be going outside. Is it possible that even if she’s sat in the car, that counts as progress and she gets the vitamins and change of scenery that might be good for her?
I would see if there are any compromises that can be made to make her happier. For example would she feel better going out at times of day when teenagers are generally asleep ? If she worries about bumping into someone she knows could you travel further away ? These suggestions might be way off but not wanting to go out with a parent is common teen behaviour to the extent that my ds wakes up to go to the barber at 9am so he doesn’t see anybody he knows.
She’s made progress and you say that you aren’t bothered by grades so maybe it’s time to cruise at the current speed. This time of year is stressful for people who don’t even have anxiety so pushing is going to backfire imo. Resisting what adults are pushing is common teen behaviour. I know it comes from a place of desperation but your dd will be feeling worse and wishing that she was normal and live a normal life of school and shopping etc

Thanks @Octavia64 . Yes, she does have a therapist and is beginning to open up to her. She also does talk to me a fair bit at times. Not sure how much you can conclude "clearly" from a very short post, with respect!

@BoohooWoohoo thank you so much for your very kind reply. Good ideas there. Really appreciate the gently encouragement to let up. It is very hard.

I'm in the same position with my older teen ds who has suffered with his mental health for the last few years, but significantly so in the last year.

I really struggle with stepping back from it all (probably because he's needed me so much to even survive over the last year, so it's hard when to step in and when to back off).

School non attendance is the worse for me - i find it really hard not to nag on this front. He does study hard at home though and is doing well academically.

My dh says I need to change my behaviour as I can't change his - and although i know this and agree with it, I find it so hard to do in practice!

But I think this is the way forward - change your behaviour around her and just be there when she comes to you - see if this makes a difference (and if it doesn't then neither of you are worse off!)

Easier said that done, I know.

I feel for you OP!
I have a teen DD who is on anti depressants and she is someone who can just lock herself away lying in bed staring at the ceiling all day.
I am also desperate to get her some fresh air, good food and companionship every day in the hope it helps her mood.
She hates our nagging and wants to be left alone which I really struggle with.
Every suggestion is a No from her. When I ask what she would like to do it's a "I don't know".
I have no answers...common sense tells me time and patience are what is needed but I find it very hard to just ignore her missing school and just spending all day in her bed and doomscrolling on her phone.
However, DD does go to her Saturday job and she will meet with friends outside of school.

Does you DD meet or socialise with anyone outside? Does she have a young, fun aunt who could take her for coffee or cake?
Sometimes they are just fed up of us mums..

Xx

Thank you so much @clement17 and @DarkChocHolic. I'm sorry you both have reason to understand the difficulties of trying to strike this balance.
@clement17 your husband's advice sounds wise (even if tricky).
@DarkChocHolic great that your DD does her Saturday job and socialises. Our DD does still see her friends, which is a relief, although she's been less keen on that when very low on energy.

Thanks again.