Knowing when a crisis is a real crisis, and what to do

[coatonthewashingline]

Two of my children are having an extremely hard time at the moment. Needless to say, this means I'm also having an extremely hard time, and I am really afraid that I'm not doing what they need, or supporting them effectively. Both have been self-harming, one has had suicidal thoughts. The not-suicidal one is profoundly unhappy.
I think I need some coaching, or a course - I'm totally out of my depth. Or even a book?? I feel so isolated too.

The unhappy child doesn't believe I love them, and there seems to be nothing I can do to communicate how deeply I care. I'm becoming afraid that all the coaxing and cajoling and forgiving horrible behaviour that I do is making things worse not better.

This one's behaviour (and their feelings) are deeply affecting the whole family. It's brutal.

Can anyone who has been anywhere similar tell me what helped you/your child, and give me some ideas of where to turn?

Might what they're crying out for actually be boundaries? Might they need you to be the strong one and make good, fair, consistent decisions on their behalf because they just can't do it right now? Thy might need to feel you're in control and on top of their situation because they don't feel that they are.

Also outside help. This is too much for you to handle alone.

Hey there,
I am really hoping someone else comes along with some good reading advice. I am not at this stage of parenting yet so a bit clueless. One thing that is a quick fix, is diet and sunlight.
Take a look ar Georgia Ede on Youtube, for an overview of diet and mental health, and get them out in the sun as much as possible. At this time of year, I know, maybe Vit D supplements is more realistic.
Best of luck.

What support are you getting?

I would speak to your GP or children's school to find out what support is available for both you and your children.

My Ds's school held a mental health 'roadshow' with all the different local charities and organisations that can support you.

One of our local charities has parent groups which are fabulous - it was a mix of information giving plus opportunities to chat.

Child refuses support… Nobody can do anything, really, without their cooperation.

I’m not sure boundaries have much to do with things - child behaves well outside the home, does schoolwork, is pliant.

I have been seeking support for them - which they reject. I need support for me, to bear this, and to learn what I can do to make things better - or at least not worse.

www.youngminds.org.uk

www.familylives.org.uk

www.papyrus-uk.org

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/

These are some of the uk based websites we were recommended. However I found our local ones helpful particularly TIC+.

The photo is a handout we were given - sorry the writing is small!

It is so difficult when the children won't accept help. I hope you find some support for yourself.

I hear you. I have had one teenager hospitalised for anorexia and under CAMHS for years. The other teenager is trans, autistic ADHD and the latest development is under the local police early intervention scheme. Where the fuck did I go wrong? They were both early teens during lockdown and I was out working in a school everyday. I'm sure that had something to do with it

Contact your local council social services team. They should be able to provide information about children mental health. Also the young persons team should be able to help. You are not alone, Samaritan's can offer help and support. I'm going through similar with my teenagers x good luck 🍀❤️🤞

Social services are not as scary as they used to be. I was under SS as a kid and it was horrid but as an adult they've been brilliant in terms of getting me help from other places. If you have the opportunity get a social worker, they will know all sorts of tips, charities, support groups and peoples names to support you as well as your children. They are underfunded as hell but they still have the contacts.

How old are they? Are you able to tell them you're worried by their behaviour as it may cause them to assess themselves or will that be risky?

Google support groups in your area there likely are some, there are so many of us parents that everywhere I've lived theres been something in terms of a group. Even if just a FB group.
Whether it helps is different.