14 yo DD constantly apologising

[manoeuvre]

DD is very anxious, quite possibly on the spectrum. Over the last few months she's started to apologise constantly for anything and everything. If I ask her to do anything she says sorry, if I ask her opinion on anything she says sorry, if her brother is being annoying she says sorry, if she's poorly she says sorry. You get the picture...

I never (consciously) do anything to make her feel bad, always try to listen and see things from her point of view, and constantly tell her how amazing she is and how much we love her. She's had some very tricky friendship issues this term and seems to be unable to stand up for herself or to have any boundaries. She's very easily swayed and very worried about other people's opinions of her - to the extent that she seems to have lost all sense of her own needs.

Has anyone experienced similar? Or got any advice about how I can help her?

I wish I had advice. We are going through the same thing. We tried a program that didn’t help.

1. could it be a change in hormones? Women during menopause lose confidence due to hormonal shifts so maybe teens can too? Diet? Many kids get depressed 11-14 as there needs for good fats increase as the brain grows. Nuts. Seeds. Olive oil. Avocado. The brain is largely fat and it is pruning fast during those ages.

maybe my comments seems out of left Field but my son improved at this age when we gave him Fish oil, vitamin b12 and magnesium. There is a book I read for guidance. sounds like our daughters are a bit different but sorry a lot over here and gives her friends more power.

@NettieRE what kind of fish oils please?

I was like this for years - the diet stuff all sounds worth trying but one insight that might be useful - my parents put a lot of effort into telling me how much they value me etc.. and how great I am but actually it had the opposite effect to the one intended. It was really disempowering for me to be told things I didn’t believe when I knew the intention was to fix something about me - rather than notice something IYSWIM.

what’s great is if you can find ways for her to experience feelings of value and self worth first hand rather than hear about them - easier said than done maybe but even little things like being asked her opinion and then that followed, or for her help with something she’s good at etc.. not focussing loads of attention on it at the same time.

sorry - I thought I had a clearer idea when I set off! Good luck with it, she’ll get there.

Have you got any support for her from school or camhs? It's a defensive behaviour as she's clearly struggling with her emotions and self belief. Is she on the list for autism testing? The wait can be long but knowing why you feel different can make it easier to understand yourself. I have 2 diagnosed, and ine definitely missed diagnosis through lack of knowledge at the time. Anxiety disorders are far more likely in autistic people, I have one on strong meds due to secondary diagnosis of generalised anxiety disorders and have had three go through camhs for various mh issues. It can be a battle to get help but her behaviour suggests she may need you to get her into the system. School can normally refer or you may be able to yourself. Check out the groups that can help locally via your local authorities "local offer" online.

I AM NOT A DOCTOR...let me just be clear. I am sharing from our experience with our son who was a completely different human than he had been at age 12. He stopped laughing and felt guilt all the time. I have no idea what is going on. Very stressful.

I am not a doctor, a psychologist . These are just things I learned when I was trying to figure out how to help me son. Our doctor recommended the b12, magnesium and DHA and EPA fish oil but I have no idea what your child needs. For us, it was a nutrition issue as our son was very picky. For my daughter, I have no idea. her diet is great. Different children, different issues. Still tying to work it out. We got her into weekly therapy appts. She likes it. I do not think there is one right answer and that is what makes it so hard. I felt/feel sometimes like I am throwing darts at a dartboard in the dark and trying to get a bullseye when figuring out what to do to support children.

There was a chat here about a free organization to look for resources. HMMMM. Let me see if I can find it.

I do agree with the other woman. Sometimes telling people they are great is not effective. It does not work when my husband says it to me.
Mel Robbins suggested once that when a child is struggling and we do not have all the control to stop it, We keep working to be happy and healthy (like you are) as an example for your child as they struggle. Keep being that role model ( I KNOW it is hard when we worry and is easier said than done) of being healthy and happy and showing her things will be better. It will get better.
https://www.scripps.org/news_items/4211-what-are-the-best-foods-for-brain-health#:~:text=Healthy%20fats%20for%20brain%20health&text=Monounsaturated%20and%20polyunsaturated%20fats%20are,olive%20oil%2C%20avocados%20and%20nuts.

I found the resource. It’s the Charlie Waller trust. Free resource.

we were the same thing though. That our daughter is always apologizing for having needs. Maybe instead of us telling our daughters, they are great. It’s reminding them that they have needs and that they deserve to have their needs met. I think sometimes is women we can be ashamed of having needs.🤷‍♀️ no idea. I’m empathetic but not enlightened 🤭🤭❤️❤️ no great advice just Brain storming and sending best wishes as I know it is tough

We use the Cytoplan

Thanks a lot@NettieRE