Autism and gaming

[Longsuffering123]

Autistic DS is nearly 14 and very passionate about gaming. Over the past year or so his usage has steadily increased and now most evenings and pretty much all weekend is spent on his playstation. DH is very unhappy with the amount of time spent on this.

A bit of background- DS has a lot of anxiety and we've dealt with school avoidance on and off since year 7 (he's now year 9). Currently he is going in with minimal persuasion and I feel I can finally breathe again as it has been extremely stressful as you can imagine.

DH feels DS spends far too much time gaming and it's fried his brain. My argument is it helps him regulate after a very stressful day and it's his coping mechanism. He also socialises through gaming as he won't go out to see his friends. Since going low demand on general I feel he's much happier. DH believes gaming has negatively affected his executive functioning skills, but I'm convinced it was due to burnout in June 2022 which he's never fully recovered from.

The gaming has slowly become a contentious issue between us and DH feels I'm not doing him any favours. Admittedly he does rush through his homework and refuses to go on most family outings but then he'd do that anyway, gaming or not.

I should add DH is also autistic, however him and DS rarely see eye to eye. I've always been the main advocate for DS so perhaps my viewpoint is a little skewed but then I feel I'm more in tune with DS's needs and emotions. In my opinion, DS is okay at the moment, why rock the boat? Why risk spiking his anxiety?

What are your thoughts please? Should we restrict DS gaming? Anyone else in a similar situation? Thank you if you got this far!

Is there any evidence to support DH's suggestion that it has 'fried his brain'/ impacted his executive functioning?

Why do you think he is saying this?

DS doesn't interact with us like before and limited visits to grandparents etc. He isn't bothered about outings unless it's someplace to eat. But this is typical teenage behaviour? I'm pretty sure he isn't the only sullen 13 year old out there.

Also re the executive functioning skills, DS helped out a lot at home before but other than having zero interest now he genuinely seems to have lost the ability to do certain things. He reckons it's because gaming is all-consuming. I know teen horomes can also affect these skills in autistic children as well as burnout.

I am suspected autistic, not diagnosed. However, I spent my entire childhood gaming online, back when it was deemed bad. I had few real life friends, I struggle with social interaction and online gaming was the only source of friends. I actually had hundreds of friends that lasted years, and some still now decades later, some I met in real life too.

Gaming isn't what it seems like or portrayed as, it doesn't rot your brain, the opposite. There were studies years ago that showed it actually improved intelligence and thinking, logic, decision making etc and it's also stress relieving. Not only that, in my opinion you are mixing with a wide variety of people from all different parts of the world. You understand more people, create friendships and learn about their culture too.

Bear in mind gaming has been changing at a rapid pace, it's not the same any more and it could actually be a career that earns a lot of money. My parents didn't believe me all the way back but the timing was wrong, tech wasn't there. Now, you have professional gamers, streamers and content creators earning multiple thousands if not more, out earning a regular career path. If he is skilled he could be very successful.

My opinion, leave him be and don't start taking things away. That was the worst thing in the world, my only source of enjoyment was taken at times and in turn my only source of friends. However, make him take breaks, make him understand the necessity for family time and going outside, his health.

A lot of this sounds like typical teen stuff. Most teens are messy and don't want to hang out with their parents

I dont think all games are equal so it depends a bit what he is playing.

When we saw Camhs they were fine about gaming to help re-regulate after school and as a structured environment to play games with people for our autistic son.

How's his sleep? Too much gaming and sleep issues often go hand in hand ime.

Some of your son's behaviour is typical age appropriate behaviour and I would be happier with some games over others. Is he socialising online with friends or random people ?

There is a recorded webinar on low demand parenting and screens - it's £30 but worth it IMO. Naomi Fisher is excellent and I found the session extremely helpful, especially as DH watched it with me and it has eased some of the tensions between us about screens.
it's on this page if you scroll down a bit:
https://naomi-fisher.mykajabi.com/low-demand-parenting

My advice is to watch it with your DH!!

It's a way of regaining some control and order in a world that is otherwise stressful and confusing.

We went through all this and eventually realised it wasn't such a bad thing. It's still important for him now he's an adult.

Teenage years are the pits for so many people with autism. Average advice doesn't necessarily apply so be flexible if you want to stay sane.

My teen is a similar age and it’s difficult sometimes to split out what is the teenage behaviour and what is autism.

My DC sleep goes to pot as well as his ability to regulate his emotions when he gets too much screen time. Things like a simple chore he has done thousands of times becomes impossible for him. As he gets older I loosen up as much as I can, but he needs sleep so I can’t completely let him off with no screen restrictions. He’s n our situation I suspect DC father is autistic also and unfortunately doesn’t seem to be able to tell when DC is starting to become overwhelmed or is dysregulated. We usually disagree on these things. I try to take ex’s thoughts into consideration, however my actions are guided by DC and meeting his needs.

Go by your child OP.

You're not doing him any favours by allowing this. Needs some boundaries on time spent gaming IMO

Gaming was an excellent way for my autistic teens to socialise without pressure. Lots of friends made via gaming both kids from school and kids all over the world.

it was also something they could be good at which did wonders for their self esteem.

I don't find any screen related entertainment regulates my autistic DD. She is absorbed by it but not regulated. She is 'jangly' as we call it when coming off the screen - meltdown approaching.

She is co-regulated by nature, gross motor activities and animals. She finishes these sessions at ease with herself and the people around her.

The contrast is revealing.

It all depends on how long they spend on and how much of their lives it is. Our family is living proof that gaming impacts kids so badly. Our 13 and 15 yo are as hooked as can be, there was a day I was at work and they spent the full time on screens, ignoring everything else. At the end of the day they could barely detach and were irritable and wrecked. We took everything away for a few days, after the initial moodiness they started taking part in life more, were chatty, helpful, screens back (with time regulating) and everything became about getting back to the games, barely talking, cranky. And repeat. When 15yo is left to it his eyes are tired and red, he can’t regulate himself. Yes they’ve gained so much problem solving, skills, met people etc etc but just leaving kids on screens is leaving them to rot essentially, you’re taking them away from the world they live in. And honestly some people will pff because their kids can take them or leave them, but for kids like ours who see them as their life- it’s a problem. Look in the eyes of any YouTube gamer- not healthy 😅