What therapy could help my 12 year old son?

[Chelsea26]

I’m a bit worried about DS1 and hoping to get ahead of the curve if he does need some help.

For background he’s always been a bit anxious, loves a rule and worries about things. He’s not a natural at making friends but very sociable once he has them. This makes him a bit try hard at first but he’s fine once he relaxes.

He started a new school in September and it didn’t go well, he didn’t make friends (didn’t know anyone previously) and ended up getting bullied. He moved at Easter to a different school and appears happy there and is in a group of friends.

However I think the bullying might have affected him more then we realised. He has developed a temper (only with me and his dad at the moment) and can absolutely lose it to the point of hitting himself in the head, trying to run away from us and crying to the point of hyperventilating. There is no reasoning with him when he gets like this and he won’t tell us what’s wrong.

When he calms down he says “Oh nothing’s wrong, I was just being silly, sorry mummy, I love you” and you wouldn’t think it was the same boy.

I do think he is ok at school, he’s been invited to sleepovers and I’ve had them at our house and seen them all interact. His behaviour is fine at school and at home most of the time but these episodes are getting more frequent and they are worrying.

Is it just normal teenage hormones or is there some sort of help that we can get him to hopefully nip any potential problem in the bud?

Didn’t want to read and run.

Sounds like overwhelm. All the work I’m doing at the moment is around listening, being with them where they are compassionately, not making the part of him that is enraged in that moment ‘wrong’.

Also sometimes I find it helpful to think ‘be the parent you needed as a child’.

Thank you for your reply. We are trying to be calm with him but I was more asking what professional help we could look into.

hopeful bump for the evening crowd

Hello I mean this in the most gentle way. some of what you describe may be suggestive of autism. I wander if you have any family connections. It can appear so different for each individual. Often secondary is a time when those that previously coped well ‘ unravel’ don’t be alarmed, some support and adaptations would help if this os the case.

I thought it may be helpful if I was clearer in my response.
social challenges- common in autism bullying- common in autism
’ fine in school’ look at camouflaging and masking
hitting self- self injurious behaviours
anxiety - highly common in autism
‘ loves a rule’ - common in autism

his language also sounds potentially ‘ different to other 12 year old boys

That’s interesting @Strawberryfieldsforever12345 I have never had any concerns or thoughts about him being autistic but I don’t have much experience of it admittedly. No family history either side.

The primary school he went to were pretty good on SEN and picked up on my younger child’s needs before we did and they didn’t have any concerns either.

I’m willing to look into it of course but I really don’t think that he is.

My 11 year old has similar outbursts always seem to be in evenings when over tired and fighting bed time. Seems to be self loathing but has also hit his head on something or punched himself.
He too seems to quickly change back to sweetness and nice.
New to me as well, wondering if it's hormone surges. A colleague at work has a daughter the same age who has emotional melt downs.
I do hope things settle for you soon.

I would start with your GP, if you can get an appointment, as well as speaking to the school SENCo team to see what they suggest or if teachers have noticed anything.

I don’t like to jump to autism, but I agree with a pp that there are a few things in what you’ve said that could possibly point to that. Obviously you would need to get him assessed by a team for that, which a GP can refer you to but there’s huge waiting lists. If private care is an option, you could get him to seen quicker by a therapist to talk about what’s going on with him and see if they think it’s just ‘normal’ pre teen/teen issues or whether he would benefit for ASD assessment etc.

I would be slightly cautious of a private therapist having enough knowledge to signpost to autism …but not a private autism assessor . Sorry . I say that with Some knowledge !
also Tony Attwood… a world lecturing professor in autism, highly regarded, didn’t recognise autism in his own son until he was in his 20’s I believe. When thinking of celebrities such as Chris Packham, it’s clear to see that autism isn’t always ‘ easy to spot’ he’s also a great example of someone who has made a living out of thier topic of interest. ( not suggesting that everyone on the spectrum has the opportunity to, nor a specific skill or interest )

*30 years!!

The therapist my child spoke with, and most of the team that assessed her privately for autism, also worked for the NHS. Many seem to, or have in the past. You have to research who you see but that goes without saying when it comes to healthcare for your kids I hope!

It just means you don’t wait for 3 years for assessment.

Thank you all so much. I do have private healthcare with BUPA so I could start there, I think they have a self referral for mental health so there might be some suggestions on there.

I just have never accessed this kind of treatment and don’t know what the different types are, psychiatrists, psychologists, occupational therapists, CBT etc - I was just wondering what to ask/look for

I was a bit like this, masking massively as an adolescent. As a young adult I had DBT, a very specialised and specific form of CBT- and it had a profound positive effect for me. There are courses/therapists specialising in adolescents, eg the below

www.mind-reframed.com/dbt-adolescents/

Ah that’s a nice share.
also Cbt can be really beneficial, if it honours an individuals autism ( if this were to be the case )

Good luck OP. It can be daunting and a real struggle to get the right care for mental health and neurodiversity but definitely worth investigating so your son gets any support he may need. You sound like a caring and pro active mum so your son will be just fine. 💐

The primary school he went to were pretty good on SEN and picked up on my younger child’s needs before we did and they didn’t have any concerns either

I honestly wouldn't let this influence your decision on whether to think about getting him assessed for ASD.

The Primary school that my DC went to also pride themselves on SEN support and inclusion. Completely missed the fact that they were both NT probably because they're bright and were more or less compliant at Primary.

Like others have said, you shouldn't automatically jump to thinking it's ASD but from what you've said about him it seems that it might be beneficial to start reading up on how it presents in Boys and maybe speaking to the School's SENCO.

Sounds very much like an autistic meltdown to me, triggered by being overwhelmed by starting secondary.

He could just be overwhelmed of course, but I'd seriously consider if there's any neurodivergence at play.

Running away from you, hitting himself (which is a form of self-harm), shouting at you...I recognise this from my daughter.

Out of the blue last year she started doing the same things...she has been diagnosed with ADHD and autism and was in autistic burnout. She hasn't been to school in six months and is now on anti-anxiety medication.

It's worth looking into; the CAMHS waiting list is likely obscenely long though. We went private. If we hadn't I'm not convinced she would still be here.

I'd be wary of jumping to professional help (which will take ages unless you're going private anyway.) The first response you had, about staying calm with him while he experiences these overwhelming emotions, is vital for all distressed children. You're teaching him to regulate his emotions. Any professional help would be an extra on top of him having this parental support.

I think this woman's approach is helpful, she has both ND and NT children:

fb.watch/lT-O_NRu2I/

www.facebook.com/100044608261563/posts/pfbid0vMSNZwbDGxErPJiLnKfH4ewe7QgCe4qwoAtAmrxJ5758eL5usegKEH3U74PdMV2jl/?d=n

Look into CBT
I've been where you are and wish we'd done it early doors

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/?gad=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIwqXvlMWJgAMVLy4GAB2Znw3AEAAYAiAAEgJBXPD_BwE

This will help you find the most appropriate person

Make sure they are babcp registered x

I don't know where you are based but there is an organisation called Off The Record that offers counselling for 11-25 year olds. You self-refer and the waiting list is not too long. It is Hampshire based, counselling can be online or face to face. The other organisation to consider is Kooth. They offer young people counselling via text or online messaging, discussion boards and articles. Both these organisations were recommended to me by school and CAMHS.

It would also be worthwhile contacting school and speaking to the ELSA who may be able to offer counselling at school or other advice.

@Chelsea26 how are things now?