Children refusing contact with father

[SingleMum00]

Hi all, my two children (ages 10 and 12) have refused contact with their dad. For background info, i ended my marriage to him 2.5 years ago. He was a terrible husband and father. I’ve now realised that everything I was feeling during the relationship was down to emotional abuse. I ended the relationship when I realised how unhappy the children were around him and constantly treading on eggshells. I knew I did that but it wasn’t fair for them to have to.
I initially encouraged contact between the kid and their dad. He never had them overnight. He would see them for a few hours a week and they always asked to come home early. As the months went on they were expressing that they didn’t want to see him. I continued to encourage them until an incident happened when they were with him. My son (was 10 at the time) asked to come home early and was shouted at, called names, pushed and swore at. I picked him up and he refused to see him again. That was nearly two years ago. My youngest continued to see him for a few more months and then she told him she didn’t want to go. Initially he said fine.
after all this time he is now demanding they see him. His words were ‘I don’t care what they want and I have rights’. He’s saying he’s going to take me to court. I fully believe they have been subjected to psychological abuse from him too. When I was encouraging them to see him, they were both suffering from anxiety and anger outbursts. Since contact stopped, they are the most happy, clever contented children. Both adamant that they are happier without him in their lives.
I’m trying to respect their wishes as I feel they are valid. Their reasons for not wanting to see him isn’t just because it’s boring. They had always been scared of him and it took so much for them to stand up to him and say no so I’m so proud of them but I’m terrified that he will take us to court and the children won’t be believed or listened to and he’ll win contact against their wishes. They’ve both said even if it’s court ordered, they won’t be going with him and will call the police if he lays a hand on them.
what would anyone else do in this situation or has anyone been through similar? I don’t have proof of abuse which makes this so much harder than if it had been physical (although they both said he has hit them in the past too).
thank you if you read this far.

I think you have to let this reach court.

From what you've said, there isn't a chance of reaching an agreement between the two of you.

You need to be very clear that you have never prevented contact (and indeed encouraged the DC to see him - do you have anything that shows this is the case, or will you have to rely on your own assertion?)

Your DC are of an age where their wishes should be taken in to account, so an official will need to talk to them to find out their views

Could you come up with any compromises? So it's clear you are really trying to provide opportunities for the DC (as is their right) to have a relationship with their father? Shorter contact? Presence of grandparents? You are the reasonable one here, make sure it's obvious that you are.

Your ex does not have "rights" - he has responsibilities. The ones with rights are the DC, and that includes the right to a relationship with their father. If they do not want to exercise that right, then (when age appropriate) that should be respected. If he wants to explore the issues via the courts, then let him. Yes it's a PITA and may be stressful. But you can't actually stop him going down that route, so you may as well make the best of it

OP, mine were 10, 14, 15/16, we had our own house, I said they could see their father whenever they wanted and I would not censor nor interfere.
Truthfully I believed this was the fairest scenario - that none of them ever wanted
to I expected but refrained from remarking on.
We had a clean break settlement so no fiscal power plays from me.

Our situation was that he moved back in with his mother on the other side of
the park.
My MiL was the cause of much of the marital discord, btw.
At first I would cajole my children to go on a Saturday morning to visit.
This occurred a few times when they soon returned looking sombre and moody.

I asked the eldest what had/not happened. Apparently Dad opened the door slurping. a mug of coffee, didn’t ask them in, spoke briefly.
What he wanted was to come to our home/haven to see his children which none
of them wanted.

Next thing I knew we had a court summons as he was demanding to see his children as I was keeping them from him

The judge?peered at me over his half spectacles and instructed me that my husband was entitled to see his children.
I said I never disputed this but not in my house.

That he could take them all out for the day which would never occur to him, not something he ever did anyway. They were not wanted in his mother’s house, he was interviewing his children on her doorstep.

Anyway, I wrote a letter stating my case to husband, sent recorded delivery, my name and address on the back of the envelope, saying, the children are free and able to visit or speak to you whenever they want with no impediment.

When the absolute came through it was such a relief, a new start by which time
children were happier, content, not so stressed, two away to University, young’un
more relaxed, doing well at school, life picks up.

I think your husband is bluffing re Court but if you do have to attend, it isn‘t that terrible. I didn’t have legal advocacy.
Your situation is not unique, no reason to be fearful.

Good luck !

At the bottom of this page were a few similar threads to yours, did you read them?
matter of factedly saying the same thing.

Let him spend his hard earned money taking you to court.

The children are old enough for the judge to hear their views and rule accordingly. They will need to tell the judge that their father will have to physically force them to see him, to emphasise how much they don't want to see him.

It's out of your hands, there is nothing you can do to stop him. Hopefully the fact he has to spend his own money might do that. Good luck

It’s hard to offer any sort of compromise because my children are point blank refusing to see him. I asked them if they’d be willing to try just an hour with him to see if things are better than they were before and maybe he’s changed. Both said no. When I pushed it they got very upset. I have told them that going through the court process could be very stressful and upsetting and I don’t want them to have to go through that. Their response was that they’d rather do that than see him. I even put to them that the court may not listen to them and cold instruct they have to see him. They both said they still won’t see him. I feel this could go on for months if not years. I’m so anxious and stressed. I’m not eating or sleeping and just constantly worrying about what’s going to happen.
I can’t afford legal representation either. I also am terrified of doing mediation with him. He’s a bully and he always manipulated me. Just the thought of sitting with him makes me feel sick with worry. I can probably refuse due to emotional abuse but would that make me look bad if I don’t attempt mediation?

As PP said, you're not denying him contact, let him take you to court - he's likely bluffing anyway. Don't push your children if it upsets them. My ex threatened me with all sorts, like you I was terrified and sick with worry. One day something clicked in my head and I took back control. As you say he is a bully, google grey rock, and a book called BIFF communication for co-parents. If he is trying to control and manipulate, remove emotion from any communications with him, choose your words carefully. Keep all communication by text or email, keep a diary or screenshot messages (I export WhatsApp text as a record in case it is needed as evidence). Another really good book is 'how to annihilate a narcissistic the family court'. It helped me change my mindset. Good luck.

Looking for some advice
I have a 3 month old baby with ex partner but we separated when I was pregnant. Since our baby was born things have become increasingly volatile between us and we do not speak to each other or communicate at all. He wants 50/50 custody but I don’t want that especially as I am off on maternity leave and breastfeeding at the moment.

I’ve had several false allegations made against me by my babies father to the police and social services. He has contacted social services many times accusing me of not being able to look after our baby, saying he feels baby isn’t safe living with me because I have mental health issues (I do not have any mental health illnesses) It’s all lies and he is doing anything he can to make me look like a bad mum. Constant mud slinging from him. Social services have spoken with me over the phone a few times after he makes an allegation and they did tell me no further action would be taken against me however now they are having to do a home visit and further assess me because our baby has been brought to their attention a number of times. He has also accused me of selling drugs which is also a complete lie.

Dad has contact 3 days a week with baby twice in the week after work until 8
mom and 9-6 one day at the weekend. I send expressed milk for baby to his house. Not overnight yet but I suggested weekend overnight once we start weaning onto solids.

I am now terrified of sending her to him because the last few days he has escalated his concerns about me to social services again, and this has led to them having to assess me further.

I have a gut feeling that if I send her he will keep her from me and stop me seeing her because of how many times he has reported me to social services. I don’t want him to not see his baby but I feel he is trying to prevent me from seeing her and doing anything he can to get me in trouble when I haven’t done anything wrong. I feel he wants social services to take her from me there’s no reason for him to keep reporting me to them

im a good mum I work hard I’m an NHS nurse I come from a nice family and I don’t want to be a woman that stops a father seeing their child but I’m so scared he will keep her from me. I want to take him to court so we have child arrangements order for us both. He keeps saying he’s taking me to court but I haven’t heard anything still.

I would love to hear some advice from people on here.. what would you do? would you send her back for contact ?

Thank you

@ShyasminW I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You might get better advice if you start your own thread. Best of luck.

I’m sorry I didn’t even realise I was using your thread apologies
thank you I appreciate your kind words

Seek support from their school. Ask if they can speak to counsellor. Then you have an independent opinion and support.

I'm so sorry you are going through this 😔. Try not to worry so much. Let social services come in to do their assessments. Be open with them about everything and work with them. Since you are not doing the things he said you have nothing to worry about.

If I were you I would stop all arrangements now. I would send an email saying duevto him making constant reports to social services, he needs to get a court of for child arrangements. Just block him. There's nothing he can do after that than keep reporting to social services/ police. All this will count against him in court. Maybe offer supervised visits only.

He’s probably met another woman who is surprised that he doesn’t see his kids. He wants to impress upon her what a nice, but put upon guy he is.

Let him take you to court.

Ask for CAFCAS to get involved if they don't automatically when or if this goes to court;they are there to speak to,listen to and advocate for your children.

The children can tell them about the abuse,the children can tell them they've not seen him in two years,in the courts eyes your children are old enough to be listened to and their opinions taken into account by a judge.

I think if they tell CAFCAS about the abuse they've suffered then the best your ex will get IF any custody arrangements are enforced is supervised custody.

My kids were 13 and 10. They refused to see their dad after he threatened to chop my partner up. They were terrified of him. He took me to court the children were listened to and we all (including exh) had to work with Cafcass. She could see through him from the beginning. He got no direct contact. Kids are so happy now he's not in their lives

He's probably bluffing, make sure your kids know they can see him if they want to but don't force them.
My DD hasn't seen her dad for 2.5 years now ( her choice ) but knows she can if she wants to.
He's still an arse who says i'm to blame but my point is your children need to come first .

How old is your daughter?

That does seem to be a pattern!

What happened? Did he apply to court?

When I did mediation with my abusive ex I did not need to be in the same room with him. The counsellor would go between rooms and we had our sessions that way. If you get to the point where you need to prove you went to mediation just say that because of previous abuse you cannot be in the same room as him and they should accommodate you.

@VisitationRights you DO NOT have to do mediation where abuse has been involved. I refused any type of mediation so he took me to court. I was sick with nerves as I could not afford a solicitor and was not entitled to any help at all. He thought he could get his way by throwing his money around with solicitors and interpreters (which he didn't need BTW). Took 1.5 years and he thought I'd back down cos I had no money etc. He didn't even turn up to the final hearing cos he knew he didn't stand a chance after the evidence I provided to the court.

Go to court! It may seem scary but it’s best for your kids in the long run. Because you’re a victim of domestic violence (still counts if it was emotional) you’ll be entitled to legal aid and get representation. You are their voice and the fact he threatens to take you to court is also a form of abuse.

even if the courts allow contact in whatever form or order that may be. If your children become distressed or come home saying they don’t want to go you can still withhold contact (with good reason) and go back to court. Let him take you, the judges always see through people like him. Good luck 🫶🏻

Hi I have just read your thread. I'm currently going through the same thing my daughters age 10 and 12 can't stand their dad and his wife. They want custody of eldest but have no interest in youngest. I'm so worried the courts would not listen to my girls. There is some great advice on here. Did u end up going to court?