autistic DS lashing out at pets

[overstepped]

Really worried about DS12 who hits things when in autistic meltdown. He's hit pets a couple of times, not hard, but clearly in a mean way. I'm not sure what to do.
Autistic meltdown doesn't excuse you from responsibility but he's says he doesn't have any choice in how he expresses his frustration.
Is that right?
Do I have to give our pets away?

Yes, please re-home them responsibly and urgently.

I would rehome the pets. They don't deserve to be abused no matter the reason. One day the pets might decide they've had enough too and attack back, so better for your son's safety too.

Yes, you need to rehome the pets before one of them is seriously injured or killed.

💐OP, it sounds like a tough situation for you.

yes I would rehome the pets

Please take them to a no kill shelter today.

Yes, you need to rehome your pets as quickly as possible

As others have said, no matter what the reason, if you can't provide a safe home for the pets please find them a safe place.

It sounds very hard for you, and yes, you probably should re-home your pets.

But...and as gently as possible. The fact that your son knows that acting violently towards animals is wrong but at the same time says he can't help himself when he's having a meltdown, means he probably can. Does he hit people? Does he hit classmates? Teachers? You?

If not, then being violent towards animals is an active choice he's making and you perhaps need to remove his autism out of the equation.

But do remove the pets. And tell him why.

Does your son hit people? Other people's property? I'd be concerned and find help for this if he does. He's getting bigger, stronger and more adult looking. One day he might hit the wrong person or damage their property and might get back more than he bargained for. Or hit someone, do serious damage, and find himself on the wrong side of the law. That's not a position you want him in either. Can you get him a punching bag? Teach him another way to direct his frustration? Occupational therapist?

@HerbsandSpices yes, all the things you list are the things I'm worried about.

He has never hit another child, or anyone else's property. Just me and mine. He also hit's himself.

It's a tough position to be in. I feel for you. I hope you find a solution for redirecting his frustration in ways that are better for everyone.

He's hit pets a couple of times, not hard

You need not to minimise this. Animals should never be subjected to any level of attack from humans. Very dangerous ground and ripe for escalation, especially as your ds grows bigger, stronger and perhaps even more prone to (hormone-fuelled?) aggression.

It’s the responsible thing to do, to re-home your pets out of danger and at the same time protect your son from the potential dire consequences of his unregulated outbursts. Sorry you’re all having to deal with such an awful situation, op, but you must get your animals out of harm’s way, as it sounds like they’re sitting targets at the moment.

Please rehome your pets. Imagine how you would feel trapped in a house with someone several times bigger than you who occasionally lashes out at you for no obvious reason that you can understand. It would be terrifying. As your DS grows at some point they will either be seriously hurt or hurt your DS.

can't he learn that he can control how he reacts and expresses frustration?

Personally I wouldn’t put any animal at further risk. It’s unfair on the animal and totally irresponsible as an owner.

If he can articulate that he knows he shouldn’t hit them but that he ‘doesn’t have a choice’, he probably can refrain from hitting them as he actively chooses not to hit people or animals outside of his family unit, but I wouldn’t take the chance and hope that he learns to control it as he might severely injure or kill one of your pets next time. I’d rehome in your situation.

As far as the pets go agree with PP, rehome. As far as your DS behaviour goes the answer is a little more complex. My DS lashes out in meltdowns, there can be a point where it becomes outside his control yes, I've seen him completely out of control, been hit, headbutted, kicked. Ive also seen him use the situation to hit out, it felt like he was giving himself permission to lose it.

It's one thing as a child, a completely different matter as he grows into a teen and an adult, he could do serious damage. It's unlikely the premise he can't help himself is completely correct. With the right support over time and hard work, involving you as well as him, I expect he can be taught to recognise when he is getting overwhelmed and use strategies to stop himself from getting there, remove himself front the situation, seek help. He can learn to recognise and avoid/minimise triggers. He can learn strategies to help keep himself calm. There are likely points before full meltdown where he can step away. There are things he can do if sensory issues are at play. One strategy I'm working with DS on recognising when he's had enough, which he's starting to voice now.

It's a long term process, but it can be and does need to happen. At some stage you or someone else may get seriously injured if he continues to believe it's ok to hit out because he can't help himself and then never tried to help himself. I'm teaching my boys that even if you can't help yourself in the moment you're still responsible for working on not getting to that point.

I'd get professional help from a psychologist if you can afford it. Maybe school can provide some help. If you can't access any professional help you can still work on something like zones of regulation with him.

^^this my autistic ds hasn't touched the pets since I seriously began contacting rescue to put all our cats into he screamed at me I was being nasty I said its him leaving them leaving or him stopping he CHOSE to stop

Wether he is conscious of what he does, or what degree of consciousness he has during a meltdown, is unfortunately not relevant to the pet situation. They are in danger and need to be removed from harm's way for their safety and wellbeing.

DD has been working on recognising her triggers and feelings of build up before a melt-down. This combined with coping or distraction strategies, has helped reduce the number of meltdown she has. It's not perfect but with both of us looking out for and recognising rising anxiety or precursor cues, we have been able to put coping strategies in place before things go to far. But every child is different.