Hand hold please, DD self harming

[GretaGarbled]

Got told by the school on Thursday that DD(15) is self harming/cutting. Apparently it’s been going on since before Xmas. Only found out as as one of her friends noticed and dragged her to the school counsellor.

We’re beside ourselves. Trying to be calm and supportive for DD but my god. She’s agreed to therapy (assuming we can get some), but seems unwilling to try alternatives to stopping, and doesn’t want to use anything to heal her scars.

I am completely at sea. I feel sick. No idea what to do, how to be. By her own admission she’s been really good at lying. How can I trust her to leave her in the house by herself?

Don’t know what I’m asking really, but could use some support and any advice.

I’m in a different position as it’s my partner who has self-harmed previously but I didn’t want to read and run.

I’ve found the resources from both Mind and Young Mind helpful for how to support someone who self harms and what to do when you find out someone is self harming.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/for-friends-and-family/
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/self-harm/

There might be something useful for you, I’m sorry if not. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, I hope someone comes along who can give more direct support and advice.

I am so sorry that your DD, you and your family are going through this.
I self harmed as a teenager, so although it might be completely different for your DD, I hope this might give a slightly different perspective for you, or at least something to consider.
I self harmed because I felt like my emotions were to big to keep inside. It felt like a way to let them escape, like air being released from a balloon. It also gave me almost a dose of reality, that there were still other things to feel that weren't just sad and depressed.
Like your daughter, I had a wonderful friend who spoke to our guidance/pastoral teacher. I will be forever grateful to her.
The things that I found that helped were a councillor/therapist etc that I felt actually listened, and tried to understand - the first councillor might not be the right one, and that's okay. (Equally, I completely understand that these resources are stretched very thin). I also found that pinging an elastic band (or very thing hair bobble) gave me some of that feeling of release, without actually self harming.
I cannot imagine how awful it was for you to receive that call, and as a mum myself now I can't imagine how my own mum felt either. However, the best thing my mum did was like listen. Without judgement, or any form of expectation. She just let me get things off my chest and rant and vent at the world, and didn't necessarily offer advice if she could tell I just wanted to vent and rage.
I sincerely hope that your daughter is okay, and that you and your family are too. There is a way through and past this. I was incredibly lucky to have wonderful family, and fantastic friends to help me through, and by the sounds of it your daughter does too.

Hi there

I work with at risk students (suicidal and self harming etc) in higher education

Ask for a meeting ASAP with the designated safeguarding lead at school

Ask for an appropriate member of pastoral staff to help her to write a safety plan & a risk management plan (this outlines the risk, protective factors, signs of escalation etc)

She can print the safety plan out, put it in a drawer and read through it next time she has strong urges to self harm.

I would be pushing for a CAMHs referral

In the meantime you can look for a private child counsellor or psychotherapist specialising in self harm. Look on the BACP website (British association of counsellors and psychotherapists)

Battlescars is a really good charity, based in Leeds but they do free online training and webinars for self harm

The best thing you can do is have open and honest conversations with your child about self harm, so they are encouraged to reach out to you when they have urges, or tell you if they have acted on the urges.

I would also recommend that you make a GP appt.

Good luck x

Don't push her on the scars. They fade any way

If it helps for me it was when I got so angry or upset I couldn't deal with the emotions. You can cut and then deal with the physical wound rather then the emotional wound if that makes sense?

Two things that really helped me was a thick elastic band on my wrist so I could ping it hard, and also punching stuff so I did boxing classes. Exercise helped a lot

Thank you all for your replies, I can’t tell you how helpful all of that is.

At the moment she doesn’t want to talk to us about it at all, or consider any alternatives. She wants everything to carry on as is. But she does seem to willing to try a therapist so that’s positive.

I will definitely take up all this advice. Thanks you so much.

Thats good. You could emphasise safety so clean, have plasters and dressings available and encourage her not to hide a wound if she's worried about it
It goes against everything in your brain as you want to stop it but it's better to be safe and not get infections

Thanks again @bonfirebash, yes I’m just about getting into a headspace where I can help her with this I think. I really value your experience here, thank you so much for sharing.

Do you think it’s possible to set some ground rules for trust? Eg I promise to just listen as and when you want to talk, support, and not judge, and I’d like you to promise to tell me if you’re worried about any infection, or if you feel worse? Or am I just missing the point that this is such a private or complex thing she can’t make that promise?

Part of the the problem is that I was so sure she would tell me anything ‘serious’ and now that bedrock of trust has gone. If I knew where she was at then it would be so much easier and I would know how much space to give safely.

I think it worth saying. She will hear it, even if she doesn't listen (teenagers...)
Maybe say there are supplies here if you need them, if you are worried about anything or hurting then tell me or write it down if you can't say it
My mum said she would never be angry or judge, and then she screamed at me so I just stopped saying anything
If I could have gone to her and said I need a doctor/I think this is infected/I want to talk to an adult who isn't you it would have helped
Sometimes another adult relative is better because they're more distant (I trusted my godmother a lot)

@bonfirebash Again very wise words, thank you a million times 🙏

💐 from me to you
She hasn’t told you because she doesn’t know how / understand it / want to hurt you too.
without alarming you mine escalated horrendously from here. If I had a Time Machine I would push to find someone else for her to outlet to. Be more invasive not timid about it. Get a hold and take control. I feel like I let it happen - to the worst end.

@Summersend I’m so sorry, that must have been so hard to go through. I’m
not sure I can ‘take control’ as such, as this is literally out of my control and knowledge. But I’m certainly doing and going to do everything I can to get DD through this, and try to get her to start communicating a bit at least.

I went through serious depression at a not too dissimilar age to DD (although very different home circumstances), and I’m wondering if it might help to tell DD this, so she knows I might get some of these feelings perhaps. Even if she isn’t depressed but has other emotional issues. I’m uncertain though, as this is about her, not me. And (one of) the problems is she doesn’t talk about herself. So hard to know what will help and what will make it worse, hence the eggshells approach.

We’ve got a triage appointment to get directed to a therapist on Wednesday, and she’s also got a name of another one from a friend. So we are all over that angle, and she seems positive about talking to someone she doesn’t know at least. I know her friends are supportive as well.

@DiaryOfaTTCer (and for anyone who this thread might be useful for in the future) just wanted to say thank you for the Battlescars recommendation. It’s by far and away the clearest info I’ve come across and I’ve signed up for their support group.

Excellent advice here.

My ds self harmed when he was 16/17. A course of CBT therapy (after a few other therapists) gave him the strategies he needed to cope and after 5 months he decided he didn't want to do it anymore .

Scars on arms have faded & I can only see them because I know they are there (6 months later) some remain on top of legs but they are mixed in with childhood ones from falling over etc and luckily he will always wear knee length shorts as a bloke.

He still struggles with his mh but we are at the start of his recovery. He actually asked to have some more sessions with the therapist so he's definitely owning his recovery.

Glad there is so much advice here and that you are finding it useful - so many of us are experiencing this with our kids, it's so terribly sad.

@mayflowergardens thank you 💐

Ah that’s fab to hear, I’m so glad you’ve found it useful.

I’ve done a few of their online webinars through work and found them to be great.